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Day 2

X

Xara

Well known member
There is something that confused me somehow the first day. In addition it gave me much much food for thought. There is a question at the end: What would a life without TMS mean to you?
Well, I live like this almost 3 years - with much improvement the last year. Sometimes it got really disappointing, I wondered how long could I live with so so nasty symptoms and even now I wonder how did I get through it.
When I imagined myself without any manifestation of tms I saw a person rushing here, rushing there, doing more and more and more. Firstly, one part of me doesn't like this anymore. Secondly, this image insinuates that I am not ready yet to heal, because the doer inside me wants to do, to work, to learn, to help, to give, to have, to... to..., a non stop accomplishing. I am addicted in working and doing. I have forgotten how to stop, enjoy, feel. And thanks God, my body says no.
Because of these manifestations I was obliged to change the way I live, to do things that really matter (eg binding with people, understand myself and my feelings) and to have rest during the day. I really was a labourer, almost a slave, working all day or doing chores.
Even now, I feel guilty about having rest.
 
This is a very deep insight and something that resonates with me. I've had this thought of "I wish I could feel and do everything I was doing prior to these symptoms." I never noticed how I keep so busy and go, go, go rather than doing as you say to "stop, enjoy, feel." I guess I never noticed the doer inside of me and how that plays into all this. Thanks for your post and I wish you all the best on your journey!
 
I know what you mean about feeling guilty about taking time for yourself. I feel there were people in my life who told me that taking time for myself was wrong--not my parents, a different relationship--and wonder if you have heard that message also. It is hard to get out of one's mind when we aspire to be good and kind people, I think.
 
@needs_caffeine I think I am prone to this belief!!! When someone used to tell me, you need rest, I felt offended, because I would feel like I am lazy. Not anymore
Besides our society urges to do everything, to accomplish fast, even when leisure time is concerned. You ask someone, how are you? The answer is: o , well, nice, I did this, I have this job, x children, x houses, I am doing this at my free time ( whatever), I cooked, I am going to do this. I used to do it, too. How are you asks how do you feel right now ( am I right?). Few answer in a sincere way, not deliberately though.
So, we need to know what we really want to be/ do/ have in our lives. I am still on my way !
 
You don't have to feel this way. Just think that the job you have to do now is more important for your well being than any career.
I have made the same mistake again... Beginning to feel good, I engaged to more things, responsibilities and of course, symptoms returned back, probably because of the anger that I don't care for my needs and that I didn't say no when needed.
I am quite blaming myself for this.... The same mistake again and again. Like I am not worth if I don't do things, like it is threatening to just be instead of do...
 
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