Day 2

[nowa]

3 things that make me angry:
1. I am angry because I have had another very bad night.
2. I am angry about the way that my mother smashed my doll, it was a porcelain doll, and my mother smashed it against the wall, when I was 5 years old and had gone downstairs at night to try and stop the argument that she was having with my father, that would have ended with violence towards her. I went downstairs and said that I needed a drink of water, and that triggered her anger. I never had another doll afterwards, although they were offered to me.

3. I am angry about the way that I allowed drugs to ruin my life.

3 things that make me sad:

1. I am sad about any ill treatment of animals

2. I am sad about the way my life has been ruined by drugs

3. I am sad about the way that I treated my two cats when they were ill, I told them that I wished they would hurry up and die. (I couldn't stand the stress of their illness)

 

[nowa]

I am angry about my father who behaved like an arsehole for his whole life. He used to punch me when i was a child and stood up for my mother, I hate him because he went on to have 4 more children, after me, and when I was a teenager said to me 'IF it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have this lot round my neck", he never gave my mother enough money for food for us, so I often went hungry. I am not able to sleep tonight because i remembered an incident when we lived in Scotland, in a house in an old quarry, which meant that the back garden went straight up, and my father was using a hose up at the top and I was down below near the tap to which the hose was attached, and my father said "Touch that tap and see what happens", so I did, and he threw a stone at me which hurt, because I hadn't understood that he was threatening me. I want to kill him for this (he and my mother have been dead for many years), and I can't forgive him for the way he NEVER showed me the slightest affection, and he caused me to break my nose at the age of three, by letting me fall out of my pram, so I have still got breathing problems in my 70's. And I hate him because when I asked my mother why she kept on bringing more children into or world of misery, she said that "with some men, you don't have any choice". I am angry about how he insinuated that I would end up a prostitute. when, at age 17, I started going out with my first boyfriend.

and I am so sad and angry about how one of my schizophrenic brothers used to burn my clothes and smash up my possessions and terrified me so much that I had to lock my bedroom door at night, and when I was with my boyfriend, he used to throw a wet flannel against my window over and over again, so I never had any peace. I am angry about my mother, who was always talking about getting a divorce, but even after I had made an appointment with solicitors, she never did anything about it. In fact I behaved more like a mother to her than she ever was to me. I can't go on with this, I am too tired, and it isn't giving me any relief. so I will go on with it another time, (I want to forgive them, but I can't)