Cat Lady 13
New Member
I am on Day 2 now. I started the day determined to go to the gym for spinning class and do my grocery shopping and ignore any pain in my back, neck or knees. I have been going to the gym several times a week for a couple of years or more, but most of the time, I have some type of pain - either in my neck, back or knees.
I kept telling myself on the way to the gym, during the class and while I was shopping that any pain I was feeling was TMS and there is nothing wrong with me. I had to keep up this internal monologue the entire time, but there were brief moments when I thought I had actually made the pain go away. That's good.
I have so many things that make me mad from the past and the present. Starting with the past, I am mad at both of my parents for adopting two much younger siblings for me, then subsequently getting separated which left me in charge of them when my mom had to go to work. I blame my mom more than my dad because she was fooling around with another guy who was also married and made my dad move out. If they had not adopted these younger siblings, I would have not had to take care of them all the time.
I am mad at my mother for having a mental illness, trying to kill herself several times, and leaving me in charge of things while she went to the psych hospital. I am especially mad that she would take a bottle of pills, then tell me about it and leave me to call 911. I actually don’t even remember most of this, but my old neighborhood friends remember it very well.
I am mad at my mother for letting her psych ward friend move in with us, whose son tried to molest my brother. I witnessed this, chased the kid out of the house and beat him up when I was just a kid myself.
I am mad at my father for being so pathetically weak that he would not take us away from our mother. I once asked him about why he didn’t take custody of us and he said that he was afraid that she would actually succeed in killing herself. So, he sacrificed his children instead. How pathetic is that?
I am mad at my father for literally beating my brother when he was just a little kid. My brother wet his pants in Dad's car and Dad took some piece of wood and beat the crap out of the backs of his legs in a hotel room at the beach. I was so upset and left the room. I could hear my Dad beating him and my brother screaming from down the hall. I think today, he would have been arrested for child abuse. He never hit me, but my sister claims that he hit her many times.
I am mad at my sister for always being the bad one and getting away with it. She stole my clothes, stole money from my brother, ran away several times, got involved with the wrong people, ended up in a psych ward and a private girls’ school and has always just generally been a complete “f” up as far as I am concerned. Most of all I am mad at my mother for always making excuses for her. I haven’t spoken to my sister in a least two years and I really don’t want to rekindle a relationship with her. She has lived with our mother off and on for years and (she’s now 48 years old) with and without her various husbands. She is currently living with Mom. Mom says that she moved in with her current husband to help after Mom’s knee replacement surgery, but there is always an ulterior motive with my sister.
I could go on and on about the past…but now for the present.
I am mad that my husband ended up on disability for a severe anxiety disorder almost 20 years ago. I have to do all the shopping, bill paying and pretty much anything that involves leaving the house since he has agoraphobia. We don’t go on trips together since travel is just too stressful for him and I would honestly just rather go visit my friend by myself. And I do that several times a year. My husband is a very good man and very loving. He has been a wonderful father to our 24 year old son. So then I feel guilty for being mad. It also makes me sad.
I am mad at myself for not trying to get ahead more at work. I feel pressure because my husband will soon only have social security and it will be up to me to support us until we can start tapping into our retirement savings in 10 years. I actually like my job and what I do, but I feel compelled and pressured to work toward a promotion so I can make more money for our future. I am of course mad that my husband hasn’t contributed anything toward our retirement in 20 years. We are fortunate that we inherited money from his parents which we have invested and we should be fine. But I still stress about it.
Overall, I think I am more mad about things than sad. However, I would have to say that the thing I am most sad about is that I didn’t have a mother who could be there for me emotionally. My former therapist has diagnosed her with Borderline Personality Disorder which makes it very difficult for us to get along. We have gone through periods where we don’t talk at all. Now we are talking again, but I am always very cautious because I never know when she will make a comment that will hurt my inner child in some way. She has made comments that I will remember forever. That hurt me to the core. I know she is a hurt child herself and I just try to remember that and let it go. I have written her letters many times to tell her how I feel and how angry I am, but she will never admit anything. She always has a convenient excuse. All I ever wanted to hear is I am sorry I failed you.
She is much better that she was when I was a kid and has not attempted suicide since I was a teenager (so almost 40 years ago). She actually had a brain tumor when I was 17 and that caused some of her issues. She is convinced that the tumor was the cause of everything and refuses to see anyone or take anti-depressants. She can be bitter and angry sometimes and when she goes off on a tirade, watch out. I have always tried to lay low and not cause any issues. The good child always, but I don’t get recognized for it most of the time. Recently she told me that I did a good job raising my son which was unheard of. Maybe she is mellowing in her older age.
I am sad that my husband can’t do the things he wants to do because of his illness.
I am sure I will think of more things that make me sad as time passes.
Here's to Day 2. I hope someone will read all of this and be able to identify with what I went through and how it made me who I am today.
I kept telling myself on the way to the gym, during the class and while I was shopping that any pain I was feeling was TMS and there is nothing wrong with me. I had to keep up this internal monologue the entire time, but there were brief moments when I thought I had actually made the pain go away. That's good.
I have so many things that make me mad from the past and the present. Starting with the past, I am mad at both of my parents for adopting two much younger siblings for me, then subsequently getting separated which left me in charge of them when my mom had to go to work. I blame my mom more than my dad because she was fooling around with another guy who was also married and made my dad move out. If they had not adopted these younger siblings, I would have not had to take care of them all the time.
I am mad at my mother for having a mental illness, trying to kill herself several times, and leaving me in charge of things while she went to the psych hospital. I am especially mad that she would take a bottle of pills, then tell me about it and leave me to call 911. I actually don’t even remember most of this, but my old neighborhood friends remember it very well.
I am mad at my mother for letting her psych ward friend move in with us, whose son tried to molest my brother. I witnessed this, chased the kid out of the house and beat him up when I was just a kid myself.
I am mad at my father for being so pathetically weak that he would not take us away from our mother. I once asked him about why he didn’t take custody of us and he said that he was afraid that she would actually succeed in killing herself. So, he sacrificed his children instead. How pathetic is that?
I am mad at my father for literally beating my brother when he was just a little kid. My brother wet his pants in Dad's car and Dad took some piece of wood and beat the crap out of the backs of his legs in a hotel room at the beach. I was so upset and left the room. I could hear my Dad beating him and my brother screaming from down the hall. I think today, he would have been arrested for child abuse. He never hit me, but my sister claims that he hit her many times.
I am mad at my sister for always being the bad one and getting away with it. She stole my clothes, stole money from my brother, ran away several times, got involved with the wrong people, ended up in a psych ward and a private girls’ school and has always just generally been a complete “f” up as far as I am concerned. Most of all I am mad at my mother for always making excuses for her. I haven’t spoken to my sister in a least two years and I really don’t want to rekindle a relationship with her. She has lived with our mother off and on for years and (she’s now 48 years old) with and without her various husbands. She is currently living with Mom. Mom says that she moved in with her current husband to help after Mom’s knee replacement surgery, but there is always an ulterior motive with my sister.
I could go on and on about the past…but now for the present.
I am mad that my husband ended up on disability for a severe anxiety disorder almost 20 years ago. I have to do all the shopping, bill paying and pretty much anything that involves leaving the house since he has agoraphobia. We don’t go on trips together since travel is just too stressful for him and I would honestly just rather go visit my friend by myself. And I do that several times a year. My husband is a very good man and very loving. He has been a wonderful father to our 24 year old son. So then I feel guilty for being mad. It also makes me sad.
I am mad at myself for not trying to get ahead more at work. I feel pressure because my husband will soon only have social security and it will be up to me to support us until we can start tapping into our retirement savings in 10 years. I actually like my job and what I do, but I feel compelled and pressured to work toward a promotion so I can make more money for our future. I am of course mad that my husband hasn’t contributed anything toward our retirement in 20 years. We are fortunate that we inherited money from his parents which we have invested and we should be fine. But I still stress about it.
Overall, I think I am more mad about things than sad. However, I would have to say that the thing I am most sad about is that I didn’t have a mother who could be there for me emotionally. My former therapist has diagnosed her with Borderline Personality Disorder which makes it very difficult for us to get along. We have gone through periods where we don’t talk at all. Now we are talking again, but I am always very cautious because I never know when she will make a comment that will hurt my inner child in some way. She has made comments that I will remember forever. That hurt me to the core. I know she is a hurt child herself and I just try to remember that and let it go. I have written her letters many times to tell her how I feel and how angry I am, but she will never admit anything. She always has a convenient excuse. All I ever wanted to hear is I am sorry I failed you.
She is much better that she was when I was a kid and has not attempted suicide since I was a teenager (so almost 40 years ago). She actually had a brain tumor when I was 17 and that caused some of her issues. She is convinced that the tumor was the cause of everything and refuses to see anyone or take anti-depressants. She can be bitter and angry sometimes and when she goes off on a tirade, watch out. I have always tried to lay low and not cause any issues. The good child always, but I don’t get recognized for it most of the time. Recently she told me that I did a good job raising my son which was unheard of. Maybe she is mellowing in her older age.
I am sad that my husband can’t do the things he wants to do because of his illness.
I am sure I will think of more things that make me sad as time passes.
Here's to Day 2. I hope someone will read all of this and be able to identify with what I went through and how it made me who I am today.
