Day 2 Things that Make Me Mad, Sad or Both

I am on Day 2 now. I started the day determined to go to the gym for spinning class and do my grocery shopping and ignore any pain in my back, neck or knees. I have been going to the gym several times a week for a couple of years or more, but most of the time, I have some type of pain - either in my neck, back or knees.

I kept telling myself on the way to the gym, during the class and while I was shopping that any pain I was feeling was TMS and there is nothing wrong with me. I had to keep up this internal monologue the entire time, but there were brief moments when I thought I had actually made the pain go away. That's good.

I have so many things that make me mad from the past and the present. Starting with the past, I am mad at both of my parents for adopting two much younger siblings for me, then subsequently getting separated which left me in charge of them when my mom had to go to work. I blame my mom more than my dad because she was fooling around with another guy who was also married and made my dad move out. If they had not adopted these younger siblings, I would have not had to take care of them all the time.

I am mad at my mother for having a mental illness, trying to kill herself several times, and leaving me in charge of things while she went to the psych hospital. I am especially mad that she would take a bottle of pills, then tell me about it and leave me to call 911. I actually don’t even remember most of this, but my old neighborhood friends remember it very well.

I am mad at my mother for letting her psych ward friend move in with us, whose son tried to molest my brother. I witnessed this, chased the kid out of the house and beat him up when I was just a kid myself.

I am mad at my father for being so pathetically weak that he would not take us away from our mother. I once asked him about why he didn’t take custody of us and he said that he was afraid that she would actually succeed in killing herself. So, he sacrificed his children instead. How pathetic is that?

I am mad at my father for literally beating my brother when he was just a little kid. My brother wet his pants in Dad's car and Dad took some piece of wood and beat the crap out of the backs of his legs in a hotel room at the beach. I was so upset and left the room. I could hear my Dad beating him and my brother screaming from down the hall. I think today, he would have been arrested for child abuse. He never hit me, but my sister claims that he hit her many times.

I am mad at my sister for always being the bad one and getting away with it. She stole my clothes, stole money from my brother, ran away several times, got involved with the wrong people, ended up in a psych ward and a private girls’ school and has always just generally been a complete “f” up as far as I am concerned. Most of all I am mad at my mother for always making excuses for her. I haven’t spoken to my sister in a least two years and I really don’t want to rekindle a relationship with her. She has lived with our mother off and on for years and (she’s now 48 years old) with and without her various husbands. She is currently living with Mom. Mom says that she moved in with her current husband to help after Mom’s knee replacement surgery, but there is always an ulterior motive with my sister.

I could go on and on about the past…but now for the present.

I am mad that my husband ended up on disability for a severe anxiety disorder almost 20 years ago. I have to do all the shopping, bill paying and pretty much anything that involves leaving the house since he has agoraphobia. We don’t go on trips together since travel is just too stressful for him and I would honestly just rather go visit my friend by myself. And I do that several times a year. My husband is a very good man and very loving. He has been a wonderful father to our 24 year old son. So then I feel guilty for being mad. It also makes me sad.

I am mad at myself for not trying to get ahead more at work. I feel pressure because my husband will soon only have social security and it will be up to me to support us until we can start tapping into our retirement savings in 10 years. I actually like my job and what I do, but I feel compelled and pressured to work toward a promotion so I can make more money for our future. I am of course mad that my husband hasn’t contributed anything toward our retirement in 20 years. We are fortunate that we inherited money from his parents which we have invested and we should be fine. But I still stress about it.

Overall, I think I am more mad about things than sad. However, I would have to say that the thing I am most sad about is that I didn’t have a mother who could be there for me emotionally. My former therapist has diagnosed her with Borderline Personality Disorder which makes it very difficult for us to get along. We have gone through periods where we don’t talk at all. Now we are talking again, but I am always very cautious because I never know when she will make a comment that will hurt my inner child in some way. She has made comments that I will remember forever. That hurt me to the core. I know she is a hurt child herself and I just try to remember that and let it go. I have written her letters many times to tell her how I feel and how angry I am, but she will never admit anything. She always has a convenient excuse. All I ever wanted to hear is I am sorry I failed you.

She is much better that she was when I was a kid and has not attempted suicide since I was a teenager (so almost 40 years ago). She actually had a brain tumor when I was 17 and that caused some of her issues. She is convinced that the tumor was the cause of everything and refuses to see anyone or take anti-depressants. She can be bitter and angry sometimes and when she goes off on a tirade, watch out. I have always tried to lay low and not cause any issues. The good child always, but I don’t get recognized for it most of the time. Recently she told me that I did a good job raising my son which was unheard of. Maybe she is mellowing in her older age.

I am sad that my husband can’t do the things he wants to do because of his illness.

I am sure I will think of more things that make me sad as time passes.

Here's to Day 2. I hope someone will read all of this and be able to identify with what I went through and how it made me who I am today.

 

Hi Cat Lady 13,

Fascinating reading and a straightforward rant! A very clear, even refreshing expression. Thank you.

You have a lot of reasons to be mad, sad, and frustrated. I wish you strength and love in your endeavors here at the SEP. Your clarity and honesty will get you far, in my opinion.

Sincerely,

Andy B

 

Hi, catlady13. I agree with Andy. You have a lot to be angry about and it's no wonder you feel sad that your life so far has missed a lot of good things. I think you need to work on forgiveness. Forgive your mother for foisting the younger siblings onto you. Forgive your father for being so weak (standing up to a strong woman can be too much for some men).
I learned from journaling that I had been repressing feelings of anger against my parents for divorcing when I was seven. Journaling helped me to put myself in their shoes and realize they had their own TMS pains. If you do some deep thinking and writing about it all, you might find ways to forgive them. There are some good videos on YouTube about the miracles that come from forgiving. It is one of the bedrock themes of the Bible.

If your husband has not read Dr. Claire Weekes book, Hope and Help for Your Nerves, I urge him to read it. It offersthe best advice for overcoming agoraphobia. It suggests exposure therapy. That can be very challenging, but also can be successful. I think we are given these obstacles in life to make us stronger.

I am confident that the SEProgram is going to help you become a happier and healthier person than you ever thought you could be. Have you considered asking your husband to take the program too? Good luck and keep posting about your progress.

 

CL, you are clearly a survivor, and someone with a lot of love to give. Now you are loving yourself by not just surviving, but choosing to recover, so don't forget to give yourself a lot of credit and to love yourself even more for that. You deserve it!

I had the same thought as Walt - to encourage your husband to join you at some level. He may not be ready for the SEP, but Walt's book recommendation is excellent - Hope & Help For Your Nerves was the second book that changed my life, after Dr. Sarno. It stands on its own, and would be a great place for your husband to start.

All the best,

~Jan

 

Walt - How do you define forgiveness? Because I am now communicating with my mother, I do feel like I have forgiven her. I talk to my dad regularly. Can one still be mad and forgive st the same time? If forgiveness means no longer being mad then obviously I have not forgiven anyone.

 

Walt and JanattheCPA - I understand what you are saying about my husband but honestly I want to focus on my healing. I have spent almost 30 years of marriage always worrying about him, his problems, etc. He has had a fantastic therapist for almost 20 years so he has plenty of help. And one way I have been able to deal with his issues all the years is that I know it's not my responsibility to fix him. I am supportive and caring but I can't get overly involved when he is going through a rough patch or I would get too depressed. I learned that in my own therapy. And he doesn't expect me to get down in the dumps with him. I just have to do all the shopping.

 

The best thing I ever heard about forgiveness is the following: You can forgive the perpetrator for any number of reasons (such as being mentally ill or not knowing any better) but you do NOT have to forgive their behavior, because the behavior is unacceptable.

And you're absolutely right - you need to this for yourself.

 

I am trying really hard to focus on myself and do this work. I have been through therapy so many times, but obviously something is not connecting. I have spent most of the last 20 years taking care of my husband and my son and their needs. After my son moved out (and got married last year), I finally felt like I could focus on ME. Ironically, when my son was in college living at the dorm was I believe that this back pain kicked into high gear. I am still trying to figure out why. Maybe I was afraid of focusing on me. I do know that I was afraid of being alone with my husband without my son to focus on. I know that many couples go through that "empty nest" syndrome and wonder what the heck they are supposed to do with each other now the children are gone.

 

Hmm, check out this post where I describe the concepts of Existential Psychotherapy:
http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/help-being-indifferent.16027/#post-83748 (help being indifferent)

Meaning, Mortality, Freedom, and Isolation (aka Abandonment). I can see ways in which all four of them might be playing a part in your life, your symptoms, and why you're stuck.

 

Jan - I don't that's the correct link. I don't see any reference to those four terms or existential therapy. ?

 

Sorry, it was this one: http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/feelings-are-a-bitch.16008/#post-83738 (Feelings are a bitch)

 

I think this is a great line of inquiry! Without the "distraction" of your son, and with more time to attend to "you," all kinds of feelings might come up which "don't want to be felt."

 

Yes I agree. I know that I have s hard time with my feelings about my husband. I am sure I love him or I would not still be married after almost 30 years but it is hard to be affectionate for some reason. He is a good man and makes me laugh but his illness wears on me. His inability to do things with me also makes it hard. I can't talk to him about this because it will only make him feel bad so I have to keep it inside. I can't tell anyone how I really feel. I am afraid of saying too much to my friends.

 

Just the inner conflict, the unspoken, the "resolvable" --that you describe, is enough to cause TMS. It is caused by "inner psychological tension." Knowing the real cause of your symptoms, they can't have the same persistence.