Day 19 - What needs changing

[Adam Coloretti (coach)]

Hi guys,

Going through this myself (more for educational purposes) and I fully agree with Dr Bob Evans and what he said in response to the question "To what extent is it necessary for a person to change who they are in order to overcome TMS?". This is such a common question and whilst in a sense we are what we carry, I've never fully been on board with the notion that someone is the people pleasing tendencies they had to adopt in order to survive for example, I think we are in our truest sense what's underneath that It is a change in a way but all we're doing is returning more to who we truly are. Reposting his response here:

"We are born with our 'True Nature'; the very basic essence, the beautiful natural core of who we are. In an ideal world, through the natural flow of energy through all aspects of our experience, IE., interpersonal, intrapsychic, spiritual, etc., (Sensations, Images, Behavior, Affect and Meaning - SIBAM) we continue to grow and evolve more and more into this true natural free flowing beautiful self.

Due to environmental stress, 'small' and 'large' traumas, 'attachment' disruptions, Autonomic Nervous System adaptations and the like, over the years, many 'layers' are added to and tend to cover up this natural core. Through the process of growth and change, my experience is that we 'shed' these unnatural, unwanted, negative aspects of 'self' and become more and more that beautiful self that we truly are!

I think some people 'fear' the idea of 'changing our personalities' because our experience of self, of who we ARE, is tied up in and interwoven with those negative aspects. One fear is that we might 'lose' the sense we have of ourselves if we 'change our personalities'. This could not be further from the truth. As we 'shed' the unwanted, unnatural aspects of self we 'picked up along the way', we 'become' more and more who we really are. We do not lose ANY aspect of ourselves that we do not want to lose. And, more good news, This is a natural process. We do not have to work at all at deciphering which parts to keep and which to let go of. Our Autonomic Nervous Systems simply, naturally shed, or in the language of 'Somatic Experiencing', 'discharge' the previously 'stuck' negative energy that was manifested as unwanted aspects of our personality, and thus interfering with the natural flow of who we really are."

 

[BloodMoon]

I've never fully been on board with the notion that someone is the people pleasing tendencies they had to adopt in order to survive for example, I think we are in our truest sense what's underneath that It is a change in a way but all we're doing is returning more to who we truly are.

I think you’re absolutely right. People-pleasing, withdrawing, or acting quieter than we really are can begin as survival strategies—ways we learned to stay safe, avoid conflict, or gain acceptance. Over time they can become so automatic that they feel like who we are.

It reminds me that twin research more than suggests that we each have an underlying temperament: identical twins raised apart often show surprising similarities in personality, interests, and ways of being. At the same time, upbringing and experience can dampen, or disguise those natural tendencies.

We can’t “delete” the wiring that bypassed our natural tendencies, but we can gradually revive and build up those more authentic ways of relating, so they become more available and ultimately stronger than the learned survival behaviour.

I really like that you’ve highlighted this—it’s a very hopeful reminder that things are not set in stone .

 

[Margot!!]

Through the process of growth and change, my experience is that we 'shed' these unnatural, unwanted, negative aspects of 'self' and become more and more that beautiful self that we truly are!

I love this quote, its beautiful.
I agree, these "personality traits" are adaptations and what I like to think of as normal reactions to abnormal situations. In my case of childhood trauma, my immature brain and immature nervous system were not able to process what it was confronted with. I adapted to survive and developed ways to cope. Mostly, I blamed myself for everything, but People pleasing was a big part of survival. If I could make my mom laugh or do something for her that made her happy, I could stay safe. If I could keep my parents from fighting by acting out, or by singing and dancing, I could stay safe. Later I learned that it was equally important to help my parents maintain relationships, relationships outside my family helped me stay safe.
Everyone loved me, I was a chameleon, but I really struggled with who I was outside of the relationships. I thought being a chameleon was my personality as @BloodMoon mentioned, now I know it's a survival strategy. I have been working to shed the survival behaviors for most of my adult life. Happily, A work in progress.