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Day 18

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by Mermaid, Jan 8, 2016.

  1. Mermaid

    Mermaid Well known member

    Hi Everyone

    I'm on day 18 of the SEP, following a relapse after being almost totally recovered from severe FM, migraine and anxiety. I'm not following the SEP to the letter, just the educational part; I've gone "off piste" with the journaling, because I'm an old hand at this and have really excavated my history and personality, the first time around. I'm working on self compassion and the current issues that brougt on my relapse. As I mentioned in an ealier post, my mum being diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and planning too much for myself to do over the summer set me off again.

    My hormones are giving me hell too (I'm 50 years old and in perimenopause), which seems to exaccerbate my TMS symptoms before I get my period. This isn't conditioning, because I never know exactly when it's going to be anyway, and don't keep track of it. It's more that I have a bad couple of days, then get my period and think "Oh that's what it was". I think my ANS is still sensitised to the extent where my hormones have an exaggerated impact. When I was still in withdrawal from all the medications I was prescribed the "time of the month" was a living hell for me. It's over 3 years since I've taken anything, and it was the best and hardest thing I've ever done getting off it all. I couldn't have healed otherwise.

    The good news is I'm back to feeling OK 90% of the time. I had a major breakthrough a couple of days ago; I was meditating on self compassion by visualizing myself at various difficult times in my past, being soothed by the older and wiser me, on a beautiful beach at dusk. I felt a HUGE wave of sadness and compassion for "old me", which obvioulsy made me cry. Since then I've realised that I've being trying to be way too stoic, I've NEVER grieved about any of the awful experiences I've had, I considered it wallowing. I've been beating myself about having TMS, and all the "mistakes" I made that caused me to develop it. I'm sure lots of us perfectionists fall into the same trap. Anyway, I'm working on not downplaying (repressing) things that cause me emotional distress. I've always been a "pick yourself up and dust yourself down" type of person, but I wasn't giving myself enough time to deal with the emotional impact events had on me. Now if I feel anxious or sad I explore it then let it happen without fear, knowing that it will pass, as it always does.

    I've also upped my exercise, which always helps a great deal. It gives me confidence that I'm healthy.

    Today I woke to a snowy dark moring, when I had to struggle through traffic to get to work. I was grumbling along to myself, cursing my journey, when I went over a hill where the clouds were starting to lift, revealing the most beautiful golden sunrise. It was utterly breathtaking; perhaps a reminder from God that life is never all bad, and it's full of surprises.

    Be well everyone, and remember God loves you all just the way you are :joyful:
  2. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi, Mermaid. I join Stella and Ellen in liking your post. You are living in that golden sunrise you saw this morning. Your faith in TMS and God will heal you. Some people prefer not adding God to their healing, but I think it worked for me and still does. I wrote a book with Eric Watson, another of this TMS healing community, you might want to read:
    GOD DOES NOT WANT YOU TO BE IN PAIN, best ordered in paperback from Createspace eBooks. But we can be TMS friends whether you read it or not.
    Mermaid likes this.
  3. Moppy

    Moppy Peer Supporter

    Hi Mermaid I just had a lightbulb moment reading your post just now. Self compassion is a really big journey for me at the moment and when you mentioned it, i suddenly realised that i have never really grieved for some of the awful lot experiences I've had either. When we first had to develop our TMS past experiences for journaling, i actually forgot to list my divorce 10 years ago and only remembered to add it the next day ...now how repressed must all my emotions be about THAT if i forgot it?!! Travel gently....
    Mermaid likes this.
  4. Ellen

    Ellen Beloved Grand Eagle


    I'm so glad that you are feeling better! And your insights about self compassion and grieving for our painful experiences are very relevant for me right now. So thank you for sharing your thoughts on that.
    Mermaid likes this.
  5. Mermaid

    Mermaid Well known member

    Hi Walt,

    It's helped me to know that God is with me in my healing. Knowing that there is a purpose to everything however difficult makes bad times easier to bear. Thanks for the tip about your book, Herbie was a huge help to me as your were, when I joined the forum.
  6. Mermaid

    Mermaid Well known member

    Hi Ellen,

    Thanks for your good wishes. I always amazes me that no matter how deep I think I've dug already, I'm still finding more stuff to work on. I've really got into the self compassion deal, it's my new "thing"! It seems to be working great too. Let's love ourselves better.
  7. Mermaid

    Mermaid Well known member

    Hi Moppy,

    I'm delighted my post struck a chord with you. I've been divorced twice, both very messy, so I've a had a lot of digging to do around the whole issue too. I'm not surprised you repressed your divorce, it's very painful isn't it. I feel I'm at peace with that part of my life now though. My current husband is a sweetheart, we've been together 11 years, so I got "the one" in the end.

    All the problems I've had in life stemmed from my childhood, I've always had an absolute terror of humiliation and rejection. When I journal about current issues, the bottom line for me is ALWAYS fear of rejection. I'm working on self love at the moment, and trying to be kinder to myself.

    Bless you, you are stronger than you know.
  8. Moppy

    Moppy Peer Supporter

    Thank you Mermaid....i like the way you signed off and i might adopt it for a mantra for myself ie "I am stronger than i know". I dont feel very strong at the moment.

    Re self love: I'm reading a great book at the moment that Andy recommended to me called Soul Without Shame by Byron Brown...A Guide to Liberating Youself from the Judge Within. Its very challenging but I'm learning a lot about how i have sabotaged my real self most of my life by living in fear of rejection...both by others but also by my inner bully. Blessings and peace!
    Mermaid likes this.

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