Day 18 Day 18 - mother's love?

[Ruth_L]

A couple of thoughts today. A very good online friend of mine in her 30's is really obsessed with her mother. Her mother loves her but is much more independent of her. She's very needy - so am I, hence our friendship I think.

But I don't have this needy relationship for my independent mother anymore. I get that she's got her life, I was never a real priority. She IS much better to me now that my stepf is gone. I mean it's like night and day, but I give her her space, I don't need her, plus I have a DH that completely totally loves me so much.

And I'm glad I have him.

My friend too has someone in her life, her fiance who loves her so much in spite of all the issues, but she really has serious serious TMS, and it's almost painful to see how much she's doing to herself with this mother thing.

Which makes me think, how many of us with super-painful, or horrible tms, say PF/Fibro/stomach issues/etc have a pretty bad relationship with our mothers? There there is a correlation between unconditional mother's love and a mother who is not "there" for us, therefore we're in pain, physically, emotionally?

Like TMS is a physical manifestation of our pain from not having a loving, dedicated mother? These are painful thoughts, I am just throwing them out there. This probably doesn't apply to everyone but maybe some of us are in pain, literally, from a f*cked up mother that just never met our needs?

My mother used to tell me "You're too needy" all the time. And I heard it from various men that I had been involved with till I met my husband. Now I don't feel so needy all the time of anyone or anything, he's there for me all the time and I feel so much better about life and things in life. Makes a big difference.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

I loved my mother and believe she loved me, but she was a hard person to please.
Especially as she grew older, she wore out my sister and then me. Our older brother never
tried to please her. He had his own family and spend his time and energy with them.
He told me once, "I love Mom, but I don't like her."

Maybe we expect too much if we expect a lot from our mothers.
I did the best I could to please her, and that brought me some TMS pain
until I told myself no one could do more. Then I let it go.
I forgave her for wanting so much and myself for not being able to do more.

Maybe mothers are meant to give us love as children and look after our physical needs but
not so much our emotional needs. My mother never cared to be around her grandchildren.
It was a superficial grandmotherly love. I saw other grandmothers loving being with their
grandchildren, but not my mom. Her main focus was always on the man in her life
and if there was none, looking for the next one. To each his own.

 

[yb44]

I have a mother who was always emotionally absent. Cooking and cleaning the house took precedence over human relationships. She didn't work outside the home or have a social life. I happened along 9 years after my brother and 12 years after my sister. Was I an afterthought, a mistake in her eyes? It certainly felt that way. Rather than being needy, I chose the other route and ended up fiercely independent. I still am when it comes to my mother. Although I have tried to contact her over the last four years, she hasn't made any attempt to get in touch or show any interest in a relationship with me. This hurts a great deal and there is no doubt this hurt is fueling my pain. I also have complicated relationships with my own daughters but I would rather stick hot pins in my eyes than give up on them like my mother has done to me.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Yb44. It's sad and painful when we don't get the love we expect mothers to give. But I have begun to
think maybe the reason is they have their own TMS and repressed emotions are causing them pain
so they can't bring themselves to be loving to you or others. Don't give up on her, but meanwhile keep
giving your own love to your daughters. They may also have repressed emotions.

How old are your daughters? If young, or teenagers, they may need time to grow up and appreciate
you more and return the love you are giving them.

Try not to let them think you're hurting from them not showing you love.

My mother pushed away my adolescent feelings of love for her, as most boys feel for their mothers.
She did it so abruptly it was like she threw a pot of cold water in my face. I was too young to
realize it was not really rejection, so it hurt.

We cannot please some of the people all of the time, as Abraham Lincoln said, or even please some of the
people some of the time.

One day, your daughters may have daughters of their own. Then they will understand what mother love
is all about. Too bad we sometimes have to wait so long for it. Life is not as perfect as we'd like it to be,
and neither are people. Thank God for dogs, who are perfect. haha

 

[nancy]

Walt, I loved your post, it is so very true. I have been absent for a little while, a bit
of depression during the season. You are wonderful and I miss talking to you, I will
come around as I am strong. Fondly to you, Nancy

 

[nancy]

I loved my mother and believe she loved me, but she was a hard person to please.
Especially as she grew older, she wore out my sister and then me. Our older brother never
tried to please her. He had his own family and spend his time and energy with them.
He told me once, "I love Mom, but I don't like her."

Maybe we expect too much if we expect a lot from our mothers.
I did the best I could to please her, and that brought me some TMS pain
until I told myself no one could do more. Then I let it go.
I forgave her for wanting so much and myself for not being able to do more.

Maybe mothers are meant to give us love as children and look after our physical needs but
not so much our emotional needs. My mother never cared to be around her grandchildren.
It was a superficial grandmotherly love. I saw other grandmothers loving being with their
grandchildren, but not my mom. Her main focus was always on the man in her life
and if there was none, looking for the next one. To each his own.

 

[nancy]

Walt, I know exactly what you are and have felt for many years, I had the same feeling
and just want you to know that you are not alone. I am lost for words through the holidays
but will be back soon. I care about you, you have been so supportive and caring. You are a
good and loving man. Fondly, Nancy

 

[yb44]

Hey Walt,

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I haven't given up on my mother. She's given up on me. Despite attempts to get in touch she still remains as cold and unapproachable as ever. As for my daughters, they are young women, aged 21 and 27. Despite not being youngsters anymore, they still have plenty of growing to do!