Day 18: Most prevalent emotions in my Journal entries: Rage with some sadness

[Calum]

I've been looking back over my journal entries and the vast majority of them end up morphing into rage filled rants with plenty of colourful language. I can see why I am angry about being bullied at school and at the time I felt serious impotent anger at those who tormented me. Most of the bullying was verble particularly in secondary school and I really wanted to lash out at the bullys, I may not have won, but I wanted to hurt them hurt them badly. But I was too scared of getting into trouble at school, because I was afraid of how my dad would react. I grew up in fear of my dad and his agressive temper. I remember feeling angry and resentful against my dad whilst growing up and I think alot of my problems start with him. From a young age I wasn't allowed to show sadness wasn't allowed to cry unless I was physically hurt, unless he deemed me in enough physical pain to cry. If I cried over something emotional then he would tell me "what are you crying for? are you hurt? no. Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about". I carried this fear of him and inability to express emotional pain throughout my childhood and teenage years. I remember when me and a girlfriend broke up when I was 17 and she acused me of being heartless and cold, because I could not express or even properly feel the emotional pain I was supposed to be feeling. It is still that way, when writing about sad things that happend to me in the past I can't seem to feel sad, its only when I'm caught off guard and say lisening to a sad song or watching a sad film that I ever seem to feel sadness. Anger is much easier I feel that all the time over little things. And when I journal sometimes I do feel the anger I felt in the past whilst been tormented by bullies or grounded by my parents. I usually feel a stiring of anger which will quickly dissapate if I concentrate on it, its like something hiding in my periferal vision that dissapears when I focus on it properly, the only way I can even start to reach it properly is to journal, let it stir, put on some angry music and work on my punch bag in my room.

 

[Emily]

Thank you for sharing, Calum. It sounds like you have done some amazing work identifying the source of your repression with your father. Continue allowing yourself to feel these previously repressed emotions (such as sadness), being mindful of how they manifest physically in your body.

 

[Ellen]

My father also used to say "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about". How awful to threaten a child for expressing emotion! No wonder we grow up repressing our emotions and eventually lose touch with them completely.

 

[Calum]

Emily, identifying the issues was the easy part actually feeling the emotions attached to them is quite hard, maybe because I am so desensitised to them?

Ellen, its a terrible thing to do to a child, I'm actually really angry about it, not sure how to let go to be honest.

 

[NolaGal]

Calum, I was also terrified of standing up to bullies because it was such a HUGE deal to my mother if I ever got in trouble. I'm sure even getting a couple of teeth knocked out would've been better than feeling so helpless all the time. In her own way my mother was a bully, and so was your father. I know my 'inner bully' usually has my mother's voice...

 

[Calum]

NolaGal, I agree with you my Dad was a bully, yet I'm definitely conflicted about being angry with him for example reading what you said about him being a bully initially caused a spike of anger, which was unecessary, because conciously I agree with you, but unconciously there is still a part of me that will jump to the defense of my Dad, I think this is causing internal conflict within me leading to symtoms. Do you find you have a similar conflict?