day 18: confusion

Day 18: what emotion do you see most : fear!

started the SEP enthousiastic
too much maybe so slowed down a bit
because I noticed i was overdoing it..reading to much ..to much focus
now realise I stopped 10 days and that's not so good either
too much time in between

was starting slowly increasing activity
and gotten extra pain on other places
a first was not too freaked about that
but : then got the flu
then realized i was totally thinking psychological on that too
what maybe is a bit much : we have a big flu epidemic here, and around me a lot of sick people
when i got sick too: i totally started to think this was also tms : and this was not good idea
made myself even sicker by thinking about ' what was the emotion behind it'


i always got stressed when ik got sick (that is something i discovered lately but must remember that is it also
normal to get sick every now and then like everybody else ! i think that being sick makes me scared because of lack of control
i just have to let it be and wait for it to pass : that is really hard for me
(no wonder that the whole footpain + disability from that is making me so stressed too)


i realize since staring tms work and the sep : i am back to focus on my footpain a lot more
i think i was at a point after 4 years i build my life around the pain
my husband driving my places etc et c, i just did not do a lot of thinks anymore and
was at some sort of acceptance with that (because i had to, to lead some sort of life)
i do other things i can do and that took the focus away from walking
now i am trying stuff : and get more pain , more thinking about all of it
and it is harder, i feel more scared ..think about my foot more

so not sure where to go from here
fear is the name of the game
and that is making my scared extra : fear of my fear..how crazy is that
for now : try to figure out how to progress with this tms work
to much focus is not got , to little like it did last 10 days will not give progress i think
must find some balance , something in between
maybe this whole flu thing got me out of balance and after i am better
just pick up where i left ?


Karina

 

Hi, Karina.

Lots of people have a problem with fear. You have to think positive and live in the present moment, not the past or future.

Flu is going around where you are, and that is not TMS. Just treat flu as you normally would and you'll get over it.

Try not to spend too much time each day thinking about pain or TMS. Keep busy mentally and physically in doing things you enjoy
and that lift your spirits.

When I have nothing else to do, I like watching Youtub pn the computer... videos on relaxation, dealing with fear, funny stuff, animals, nature.

Hope you have a very Happy Easter!

 

Hi Walt,

Yes you are right: Keeping the spirit positive is important: And i do try that.
Was also down because of our dog was ill.got medication now and is doing a lot better already. But was really frightened about the fact i could loose him. I know someday i will but please not already! Love him so much. I knew always i was a dog lover..grew up with a dog also: But this dog is so special to me. It's amazing how much they feel and know..can so much learn from them. I can tell you this..without feeling bit oversensitive : Because i know you love your dog just as much hope to get back 'on track' ..thanks Walt.wish you a happy easter too

Greetings
Karina

 

Maybe you are afraid the fear will give you more symptoms, so that you are afraid of the fear. Try to witness the fear, say "hello fear, there you are, fear." "fear of pain, I see you." "fear of fear, I see you." Fear is part of the human condition, and it is not the end of the world! Or the end of TMS healing. Observe, dismiss, see through the fear as best you can. We are fearful monkeys. Don't let that scare you

 

Hi Andy,

I am not only afraid that i will get more symptoms : I really do.
And that's my problem now : I noticed since i began with the SEP i am more focused on pain and symptoms and that is not good. Ofcourse it is a logical thing : The sep is making me think about it: Why..how..when etc.
It made me realize that i was doing not too bad before on that part (was at a point that it was not the center of my days anymore totally) : Now a lot more thinking about it and that gives me fear: Because i know there is a reaction coming from that.

So my real fear is now: What if this will not improve: Than i only made matters worse?
Being more scared is not what i was going for ofcourse. What of digging in reasons..past events..etc will not help me but hurt me? It is really strange to notice that i seem to be rather staying in this 'place' now, than trying to keep working on this. While on the other hand i would be so happy to get back to normal moving.
Confusion
Envy at those here who are so sure.
I am scared to picture myself walking normally and maybe having to face the fact that it will not happen.

Asking myself the question : Am i too early to start having doubt..and should i go with it and just move forward and keep trying?
Maybe it is a familiar fase in this proces..two steps forward and one step back.

Karina

 

Hi Karina,
I saw some things that stood out to me, so I wanted to reply to you. I have dealt with moderate to severe neck and back pain, along with extreme overall body-tightness for over 20 years. I have often thought about why I never get sick. I can't remember being sick in the last 15 years. I reasoned to myself that I was too concerned with my pain, and just did not fear sickness. TMS in reverse.
From reading your post, you seem to have a good understanding of TMS. It seems you might be too focused on getting rid of the physical pain. I hope I don't come across as a know-it-all, because I really don't, but as many of the TMS Docs and Therapists have mentioned that you really have to think Psychological not Physical. Try concentrating on making progress with things you can control, such as increasing a little physical activity and still doing it despite any pain. Or decreasing a little medication, whether it increases your pain or not. These things worked for me by increasing my feeling of control (empowerment), thereby increased my confidence and decreased my fears. My pain didn't decrease when I first did these things, but I have a good understanding how the body adapts to stress, and it wasn't long after, my pain started decreasing. It's all about empowerment, confidence, and feeling in control....not what's happening physically. That will take care of itself in time. Hope this helps, and our journeys are successful ones.

 

Hi fbcoach!

Thanks for your reply!
And yes i do think i am starting to understand in some level how tms effects me. Finding the right tools to deal with it is my goal now i guess. You are right about the confidence part and : Getting back some control. That is a big one for me! I lately realized i have litlle confidence in my body and more in the strenght of my mind. That does seems strange somehow to me.
Not sure how that relates to tms? I feel that my body is letting me down ..is not so strong and robbed me of many things: I never felt that way about my mind: Always thought i did have willpower etc..
So thinking about my body as being capable and fit is much harder to me. Thanks for your reply and sugestions ! Karina

 

Yes!! When I first went to the desert with The Divided Mind, to contemplate Dr. Sarno's work, a friend said to me: "Andy, you have the strongest mind of anyone I know. If anyone can use this method, it is you." I don't think he's really right about my mind, but at the time, with all my pain, and heading for surgery, that comment gave me confidence. It was a very nice boost for me.

So, Kariana your recognition of this willpower and strength of mind in you (vs body, at least in your self-perception) is wonderful. I am glad you have this recognition. Great help, I think from fbcoach. Focusing on the body/results/ in TMS is can always be a trap, except to track exceptions, progress. The trick is to track the goodies without getting attached to them.

 

Hi andy,

Interesting..the fact i think of myself of having willpower but not 'bodypower' never meant so much to me (the willpower part) i was never proud or confident because of it..it just felt like i had it. But now in the tms progress it made me doubt that : Because if i really have it: Why would my mind give me bodypain to have me avoid feelings ? Then my mind actually thinks i cannot handle these emotions. On the other hand: Living with cronic pain anyone anywhere does ask for a strong mind and will..as you know very well. I like the remark about only tracking the 'goodies' !

Karina

 

Hey Karina,
Something you mentioned stood out to me. You said you had more confidence in your mind than your body. Think about that for a second. It is your mind/brain causing your autonomic nervous system/body to produce those painful symptoms. And since you have confidence in your mind/will power, you have control over this. Wherever your mind/brain goes, your body will follow. Maybe not perfectly at the beginning, but once it learns those pathways, it becomes second nature. Think about when you first learn to ride a bike. You didn't just hop on it and go. You thought (mind) about it, then tried it. It probably took a while to create those neuromuscular pathways. then, before you know it....you don't even think about it. I believe this is exactly how we get to the pain-free destination. We all will do it in our own time, if we don't give up. Just like learning to ride a bike. We don't think about each individual step in the process. We know in our mind what we have to do, and we do it. A little at a time.
Just so you know, I am pushing myself to exercise more and increasing my physical activity. I expect to have some increased pain, but isn't that normal? Everybody has some pain from physical activity/trauma, but then the body adapts and gets stronger. Trust me when I say this....I am not pain-free, yet. But, as I get stronger, both physically and mentally/psychologically, I will be pain-free eventually, and so will you, if you stay with this. It is how all human physiology/psychology adapts.