Day 16

[shirleypm]

I haven't yet noticed significant changes with the pain, but I've begun to see how I tense my body when I get upset. When I began reading Dr. Sarno's book, the stiffness and pain in one of my joints loosened enough so that I was able to bend my left knee for the first time since I injured it over 17 months prior.

I see a lot of myself in Dr. Sarno's books, and am hopeful that years of back pain, SI joint pain, and my fairly recent knee pain will subside. When I reflect further, I see that I've had bouts of pain in different areas of my body since I experienced a severe case of septic arthritis as a 6 year old child. To tell you the truth, I am not sure if the illness itself caused the trauma, or the scary procedures used on me. It has been a 40 year journey.

I've learned a lot about PTSD in the past year or so, and I am curious if anyone else in this forum has experienced trauma. Now I see why I was developing so much anger inside in recent years - it's finally surfacing and I am determined to expunge it.

 

[Lizzy]

I was diagnosed almost 20 yrs ago with PTSD. Mine was from ongoing childhood trauma. I was in phsycotherapy for 3 years. Is this similar to you? I don't know if my experince is at all what you're asking about. Oddly my first memory of an emotion is when I was 6, it was fear. Anyway, happy to share....let me know

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

My best friend's wife overcame severe mental illness through psychotherapy. It led to her realizing how
she had been repressing emotions since childhood stemming from her mother not loving her.
She healed so well that she was able to forgive her mother and even flew to visit her in another state when her
mother was dying. So it works and some people need it. I hope that between your experience in psychotherapy
and journaling you can resolve your childhood issues. It really does often go back to our childhood, as it did with me
when my parents divorced when I was seven. It left me with strong feelings of insecurity. I've come to learn that
no one really has security except if we feel secure in God's love.

 

[shirleypm]

The emerging emotions have been a good thing to process. I am trying not to be impatient in waiting for the pain levels to go down. At least I have finally figured out what has heen causing years of pain. Thank you.

 

[shirleypm]

Lizzy, yes. Do you think your pain stemmed from that experience?

Walt, you are right. It also amounts to learning to let go of the past and feeling safe to do so.

 

[Lizzy]

Hi Shirley, I had an episode of plantar faciitis that I think came from several things, the childhood trauma, current issues and the power of suggestion. If you have read other posts of mine you might have read that a Dr wasn't careful in what he said to me. He was very careless in how he threw words around about what was simply a broken bone in my foot.

I believe I have had TMS symptoms since I was a teen. I am positive my relationship with my parents, especially my dad, is what started it. While there may have been other symptoms before, the first experience I remember was when I was 14.

I went to a friend's house and her adult brother said she was in her room. She had a large family and in 7 years the house had never been empty, but it was. He attempted to rape me, but I got away. I went home, told my dad what happened and he said it was my fault and he didn't want it brought up again. This is just one of many examples. I then developed anorexia, bursitis in shoulder and headaches. My brother had bleeding ulcerative colitis as a teen. Even 30 yrs ago the Drs thought stress, but along the lines of: my brother stresses, rather than who might be causing it. He moved out of state, but returned after 10 yrs. He didn't see my parents very often, but was sick every time he did. After 2 yrs he decided to move out of state again. At that time he had a virus that Drs at the University of Washington couldn't diagnose. When he gets stressed it pops up even after 15 yrs.

I do believe my personality has contributed to my TMS, but I think the trauma shaped my life. Growing up I hated my dad. I don't ever remember wanting a good relationship with him because as far back as I can remember I wanted him out of my life. It seems most people mourn what they wish they could have with a difficult parent. I just wanted him gone. I'm sure I had lots of conflict because the price for admission into my passive extended family was to put up with him. 3 yrs ago I paid the price and no longer see my parents and most of my extended family on his side. The relief is worth it. I am so aware of my anger toward him, but what about my mom? She has just sat quietly while my dad has alianated his friends and kids. Last I heard he has not one friend. I wonder if there is more buried toward my dad, or if my sub c is full of resentment toward a mother who never protected us.

I think there is a ton of conditioning involved in my TMS. Oddly I don't feel emotion while journalling about my dad, but the few times I have posted about him causes lots of emotion. Truth be told, I get overwhelmed by the feelings, and I don't know what I feel or think about that. I can say I am getting better at stopping all the little nagging symptoms that I have going on. I guess, as is said here, my TMS IS on the run.

Sorry this is so long, the floodgates kind of opened! I hope you are able to gain something from my experience.

 

[shirleypm]

Thank you for your insight. Mine is a long story as well, and the medical trauma (the illness, the procedures) were only part of it. If you grow up in an anxious, fearful family only to have a traumatic event added to it, you can imagine the consequences. Add to that my perfectionistic personality and an ethnic culture that trusts NO ONE (i.e., keep it in the family), and you have a recipe for what I do suspect is TMS.

When I look back, I see all the signs. Leg joint pains years after my illness was cured, an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, eczema, night terrors, IBS, and different pains throughout my body. Like you, my doctors (and my parents) made the big mistake in how they approached the situation ("If you don't use your limbs, you'll lose the use," etc.). That lead to exercising to extremes out of fear I'd lose my ability to walk, on top of the urging by my pediatric surgeon (actually a kind man, but not perfect), who kept emphasizing early on in my illness recovery (when I was 8) that I had to lose weight (I started to gain weight in the next 6 years after my illness - probably depression).

Years of back spasms (some which traveled to my chest - fun visits to the ER), etc. The docs only suggested drugs (Lyrica, Cymbalta, etc.), which made did nothing but add on weight and mess with my body. You eventually get sick of being sick, enough to do something. Yoga and yoga nidra were the road to my healing. The anxiety levels went way down, and I started to find inner peace. I'm now using my experience to develop a different career as a yoga instructor and wellness coach who helps "recovering perfectionists," trauma survivors, and those manifesting symptoms of TMS (though I don't mention TMS). I now blog about my experiences on my website, and have gotten some great feedback from trauma groups on LinkedIn.

So much has changed, but the body pains are the last to go. I was "diagnosed" with SI joint dysfunction and blew my knee doing a rehabilitative exercise for the SI last year. It was the last straw. I was told by the Physiatrist and PT that I'd "never be able to...." including yoga. Triggers anyone?

I somehow stumbled onto Dr. Sarno's books in January, and am hoping to finally rid my body of the last vestiges of suppressed emotions. I took off the SI Joint support belt and knee brace back in January and resumed my yoga practice last month. The pains aren't yet gone, but they aren't worse We'll see.

In the meantime, I use what I've learned to guide others on their healing path.

Thanks for sharing. Hope my rambling wasn't too much.

 

[Lizzy]

Shirley, I appreciate that you went into some detail. I find it encouraging. I am seeing that so many things distract me. My brain is so afraid of letting the emotions about our stuff come into the present. I thought I learned how to stay well in therapy and that I was done. Ha! I wish.

I agree, your family's anxiety and keep it in the family "motto" is part of the perfect TMS storm. I think fear is the sub c's super weapon. It seems we will march in lockstep for years, unless we learn it isn't all that impressive behind the curtian. Sort of like the wizard of oz.

I am thinking you are onto the right thing for your pain.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

No one, least of all medical people, should tell anyone they will never heal or practice yoga, etc.
There are so many TMS recovery success stories to refute them.

We need to erase those bad thoughts from our minds and keep working on discovering what are the
emotional causes of our TMS. Shirley, you're doing great and it's wonderful to know you've taken off the support stuff and
are doing yoga again.