DAY 13

I read that article. I cycle in and out of pain. Usually very bad at night. And getting up and down from toilet, so I have to just be gentle. I think I sometimes just let myself cry. Or I read something spiritual. And I say I am going to get up pain or no pain. It's like I associate something that natural or simple with pain, so I do the tapping, and the reading. And the gentle self talk. But sometimes it's all so much for me. You are reading, watching pod casts, de-stressing your life, and life just comes at you. And you feel it, and you just gently re-treat in your brain. Whats wrong, what do you need. Yes there are a lot of people, it's ok. "I have your best interests at heart." Its ok to feel vulnerable. It's ok to be scared. It's all ok, I know growing up you had to take care of everyone, you were surrounded by a lot of violence and your parents were ill -equipped. They loved you, but they had their own problems, I will parent you, you don't need to fear. All of this. And you try and be loving and then distract yourself, and you feel like you are going nuts. Then I try and stay present, hearing the birds, the cars the sounds of people talking, anything but focusing on the tightness down my leg, except saying. "I am stronger then you, I have had quite enough, stop that." And something that simple seems to work. Does anyone have any advice on what takes away there pain. When I write an unsent letter, filled with anger and rage, it then turns to shame, that I allowed it for so long. And then I get to the core. I just wanted to be loved. And then I go to compassion. You have a huge heart, put the bad memories back into the universe, feel what sadness, grief and anger and shame feel like, what is happening to your body, ok heart is pounding, eyes are watering, and brief, breath in love to the areas that hurt. Breath in compassion. And then for the lists. It was heartbreaking to write some of the memories, but even more how I still shame myself. I have not said anything negative in 13 days about myself. No tyrant living in my head, my health depends on it, so I also listen to ted talks on mind/body stuff. But I can't work this too hard. But when you are pain free you feel so proud of yourself, and you want to help as many people as you can, but when it returns, the aniexty creeps in. So that is what I am dealing with and trying to be gentle with myself. And do my mindfulness meditation. I also put myself first. If I have a call that will cause aniexty, I check in first before i make the call. And I try not to self judge too, I keep saying we are changing the groove in the brain, and breaking up years of repression, some you needed to survive, but you don't need it. See pain as a blessing that your body is trying to heal you. Looking forward to hearing back. Sorry there are typos, I have to run out today and have a ton of errands to do. Vanessa

 

Hi, Vanessa. One way I deal with pain that may come and go, and I always know it is from anxiety, one worry or another, is to
turn off the telephone and computer at about 5 or 6 pm every evening. I hate unwanted phone calls and email. I can handle them
much better the next day. I spend evenings thinking about or doing things that I enjoy. It really helps to take a nightly vacation from technology.

I am 85 years old, so I remember my boyhood before television and computers and even before we had a telephone in the house.
We listened to the radio... music or comedy shows... or in nice weather sat outside and just listened to nature, or someone up the block playing the piano. Ah, those really were the good old days... kinder and gentler. We can have them again, if we tune out technology when we can.

A few summers ago our neighborhood had a power outage that lasted four days and nights. I really enjoyed myself... reading, listening to quiet music on a battery operated radio, taking walks with my dog, just sitting out and listening to nature.