Today I sat through a panic attack almost the whole time while working. There were moments when I wanted to give up and run far away, scream, cry. I didn't. The main fear was the person I developed the attachment to, the fear that he will make me feel more guilty by talking to me or realise what was going on in my head. I saw him as what he actually is, a replacement of all the things I miss at the moment and that made me see him as he is, not what I thought he was. It was a relief, an understanding, a step forward. I feel so exhausted right now, and when I came home and started my daily TMS recovery routine I smiled to the title of the 13th day Fostering Empowerment that also talks about Perseverance. I'm not sure if that is what I did today and am even more respectful of Steve O for how perseverant he was. It takes great courage to do all this, all the people who fight against TMS deserve such respect, it is amazing what you do. The panic grew smaller after lunch and became a dizzy feeling with moments of anxiety in my stomach. In waves. What I think I will never master is how not to react like this to stress, how to make my subconscious not recall all the traumas, how not to seek acceptance and love from my parents in all that I do or the people I meet?