I had a very important discovery during my journaling today. My friend that I have known for 20 years is not who I always thought she was. She has very similar personality traits as my mother who has an extremely narcissistic personality. My Friend is a wonderful caring person but she is somewhat opinionated and bullheaded. She is certainly not narcissistic but has "similar" traits. I have also put her into a substitute mother role for many years and didn't realize it. My husband picked up on how I behave around her and saw the similarities. He just never said anything. Friend is 14 years older than me and I have always had a difficult and strained relationship with my own mother. Friend became more than just my friend. And what's even more important is that this pain all started when she was planning her retirement and deciding where to move in my state. We would be living within a short drive for the first time since my family moved here 18 years ago. All these years we had a long distance friendship with short occasional visits. My last two visits to her resulted in a migraine and terrible back spasms. And I have discovered that I am afraid of disappointing her and also that she is not as deep as I thought she was. I am a very deep person and I can tell it sometimes makes her uncomfortable when I talk about deep emotions. So now I have to come to terms with this and I am sad.