Margot!!
Peer Supporter
This past Saturday I went to test drive the bike. I had difficulty lifting my leg over the already low step through, but I did it. I was embarrassed and I started to cry in the middle of the store. I hate crying in front of people, especially strangers. I didn't run out of the store covering my face like I wanted to. I rode the bike but decided to go with a bike with a lower step through for now. I realized that this sensitivity to embarrassment and judgment stems from some childhood stuff--surprise surprise!
In addition to my mother being a harsh critic, my parents teased me all the time. They thought it was playful, but I absorbed every negative word, every laugh at my expense. They primarily made fun of my physical ability and my body. Dad would pinch the fat at my waist and call me fluffy. I was called lazy, clumsy, messy, dramatic and sensitive, because the name calling would make me cry. I am so afraid of feeling that embarrassment and judgment. As I grew older, I learned to keep my emotions to myself. I would say that I am the Stoic type in addition to the people pleasing, perfectionism and self critical ect ect. My mom taught me that my feelings were too much. My emotions made her angry. I also learned that sharing my emotions was dangerous because it opened me up to criticism. I could be asked to justify my feelings or be told that my feelings are not valid. Over time I started to believe that my emotions were too big for everyone and stopped sharing my inner experiences. In the last 5 years I have begun to work on that . Every time I start to share how I feel, I get this twinge of fear that tells me its unsafe. I push past it, however, if someone isn't listening to me or if they interrupt me while I am talking about how I feel I immediately want to shut down and I get angry. I don't like how sensitive I am to these things, I judge myself before others can... a work in progress. Progress not perfection.
The article on clean thinking was great. I really liked "Wouldn't it be nice if.." tip. Its similar to something I try to do- When anxiety points out all the things that could go wrong, I try to imagine what I want the outcome to be, instead of focusing on what I don't want to happen. I have figured out pain increases when I'm in a negative head space. It's hard to catch myself, but I'm working on that too.
I took the Social Readjustment Rating Scale... wow... The last year has been alot and I think I underestimated the impact of the "current" life stresses. The score was well over 300. When I think current life stress, I don't think back a year. The questions were helpful. My father passed last March and I still haven't processed it. at the same time, My mother was diagnosed with cancer and COPD. I was bullied at work so I started a new job in April. There were so many things happening, and I didn't process any of it. Better late than never. In other news, I have had some pretty annoying brain fog the last couple of days, any suggestions with how to work with brain fog?
In addition to my mother being a harsh critic, my parents teased me all the time. They thought it was playful, but I absorbed every negative word, every laugh at my expense. They primarily made fun of my physical ability and my body. Dad would pinch the fat at my waist and call me fluffy. I was called lazy, clumsy, messy, dramatic and sensitive, because the name calling would make me cry. I am so afraid of feeling that embarrassment and judgment. As I grew older, I learned to keep my emotions to myself. I would say that I am the Stoic type in addition to the people pleasing, perfectionism and self critical ect ect. My mom taught me that my feelings were too much. My emotions made her angry. I also learned that sharing my emotions was dangerous because it opened me up to criticism. I could be asked to justify my feelings or be told that my feelings are not valid. Over time I started to believe that my emotions were too big for everyone and stopped sharing my inner experiences. In the last 5 years I have begun to work on that . Every time I start to share how I feel, I get this twinge of fear that tells me its unsafe. I push past it, however, if someone isn't listening to me or if they interrupt me while I am talking about how I feel I immediately want to shut down and I get angry. I don't like how sensitive I am to these things, I judge myself before others can... a work in progress. Progress not perfection.
The article on clean thinking was great. I really liked "Wouldn't it be nice if.." tip. Its similar to something I try to do- When anxiety points out all the things that could go wrong, I try to imagine what I want the outcome to be, instead of focusing on what I don't want to happen. I have figured out pain increases when I'm in a negative head space. It's hard to catch myself, but I'm working on that too.
I took the Social Readjustment Rating Scale... wow... The last year has been alot and I think I underestimated the impact of the "current" life stresses. The score was well over 300. When I think current life stress, I don't think back a year. The questions were helpful. My father passed last March and I still haven't processed it. at the same time, My mother was diagnosed with cancer and COPD. I was bullied at work so I started a new job in April. There were so many things happening, and I didn't process any of it. Better late than never. In other news, I have had some pretty annoying brain fog the last couple of days, any suggestions with how to work with brain fog?
