Day 10

I am dog sitting, so that made me have to run out and walk the dog. I assoicate mornings with pain, so it happens, I did it anyway, I cleaned last night. My triggers are always shame based. I start beating myself up, when I am getting dressed, body issues. So I immediately forgive myself and say, YOU LOOK MAVALOUS!!!!! And I panic if i am running late, so I say, "youll get there when you get there." And i worry about money. I say, your rent is paid. And today, I was nervous because I am rushing and I said, "you are a live, yo love to do a lot of stuff at once. it's ok, and was able to ease up. I wrote my letter to a friend that always needs financial help when I have a hard time helping myself, so i do what i can do, but I secretly am so angry at her husband, for leaving her and the kids, so I started my letter to her, and it was this rage towards him. And my dad left so i know that it kicked stuff up, but when I practice compassion. I think do what you can for yourself, and do all that you can for your friends. And her husband is who he is. And I ask God to forgive him, I can't and I can't act like its ok. So that was my unsent letter. I also try and put aside 5-10 minutes for mediation) V

 

Hi, vanessa. You're doing everything right for TMS healing. You believe in TMS and are dog walking and are going on with normal activities despite any pain. That's the way to heal.

You are obviously a caring person and that can be overdone so as to create TMS pain. In TMS it's called "goodism," wanting to help everyone and liked by everyone. You wish you could do more financially for your friend, but have to cover your own expenses first. I'm sure she understands and is grateful ylu are there for her emotionally.

Why are so many men such a-holes and leave their wives and children? I know some of them. Separation and divorce are too easy these days. Men should think of their wives and children and to stick to their marriage vows. I've never married, probably because when my parents divorced when I was seven,
it left me with feelings of abandonment and insecurity.

It was helpful to you to have written that letter to your friend and not sent it, but let off steam about anger regarding her husband. Maybe write him a letter like it, and also not send it.

But remember, we can only lead our own lives, not others. We can just help as best we can, then leave the rest to the Lord.

 

I did that. So much letting go, of old ways of thinking and behaving. I listen to my body, but immediately check in with my thoughts. I don't deny them. I have been in and out today, but doing stuff anyway. I don't like big crowds or not being able to get away. That is a new feeling. So I am not getting into big crowds unless I travel for work, or I acknowledge, i don't like and just stay with it, and say, you live in a big city there will be a lot of crowds. It's okay. Alot of kindness and compassion. This little dog is so sweet, so that' been nice. Thank you so much for talking the time to write me back. V

 

Vanessa, it sounds like you are really doing some great stuff. There is nothing like a little puppy love. What kind of dog? They sure know how to stay in the moment don't they?

 

They sure do. She is a little mutt. And such a sweetie pie. Thank you for beautiful quote and encouraging words. I am in and out. And it's so frustrating, and I just try and calm myself down. I try to practice acceptance, and compassion. I have asked myself what anger feels like, what anxiety feels like, what loss feels like and have cried a great deal, and miniumized as many stresses as I can. But today, when I was really hurting I asked myself "what does compassion feel like." So I could not just intellectualize but feel it. How are you doing???? V

 

Day 16 of SEP.
I did the dialog, and what came up, was so much guilt it felt. And I started to cry. It did not take away the pain. And I did forgiveness. I than had to go to work, and was in pain, and just accepted. I made myself where heels. And did kind affirmations to myself. I read as much as I can. Some people understand, others do not. The important thing is I understand. I realize I have horrible stress around money and finances, and I am constantly worried about being fired or not doing a good job, so I am trying to just say, my best is enough. It doesn't help that my field is so competetive. I get down on myself with writers block. But I try and write anyway. And the the SEP program with the assignments can be a lot. Especially if start crying. I find myself just emotionally exhausted, and then if the pain doesn't lift, i feel like a failure, but I immediately start tapping, or forgiving myself for simply learning new ways to think and calming myself down. Sometimes just reading john sarno, or just reading tends to distract me. But I am getting a little depressed. I would like to see a TSM therapist, but the charge 175.00 to 200.00 an hour. so thats why I am so willing to do the SEP, in the hopes that I can makes some really positive changes. Also, sometimes I feel life is hard and I feel lonely. And now I let myself be sad, and I also focus on gratitude and helping others so there is some balance. But it's hard to know when to sit with feelings, when to say no and when to show up for other people. When I work I have to show up late at night no matter what. so I try and do self talk. You might be under stress and it's ok.

 

It sounds like you are doing really well Vanessa!! Thinking of you! *hugs* I have found it useful to practice self compassion as well, so sometimes I talk to myself and say, "It's all going to be okay" or "Remember that God is loving you right now". Also, sometimes when I have a bad hair day and feel unhappy with my appearance, I remind myself that I am beautiful and gorgeous… and that God sees me as beautiful, no matter what. After saying those affirmations, I often start feeling more confident and people can tell!

Have you considered looking into free or cheaper counselling through a charity or spiritual organisation? I found a very good counsellor through the Salvation Army here in Australia, and she only charges me $30 per hour because I don't have a job. There are also websites with lay volunteers who are willing to listen if you need to vent. Here are a few you can choose from:

Seven Cups of Tea

Blah Therapy

Groundwire Spiritual Coaching (this is a Christian based website, so it's best if you have a prayer request or spiritual issue)

 

Thank you so much for this information. Much appreciated. I really try and practice kindness to myself. All new. but it helps.

 

Practicing kindness to ourselves is a great idea.
I like the free Youtube videos of JP Sears, an emotional healer, and one of them called "How to Be Happy and Increase Self-Esteem."
And another, "Happiness and Self-Acceptance."

 

It's good that you're addressing all the worries you have before they have a chance to mess up your day.