Day 10

I've reached day 10 of the SEP program. My unsent letter was to my guitar player, who continues to be a source of frustration. Today we were supposed to rehearse and although he confirmed this morning, when we showed up at his house to play he was nowhere to be found. He hasn't answered our texts or our calls. I'm sure he's alright, and I have a cold so it kinda worked out for the better, but I have to acknowledge how angry I feel towards him. I hide my emotions from him because I don't know how to express them. I don't want to be uncool or get into a big blow out with him or get outcast from the group. I've become aware that it all comes down to a feeling of abandonment for me. I feel abandoned when he doesn't contribute to the band. We've had band meetings expressing that we need him to communicate and be present but I can't let my sanity depend on him changing. I don't want to leave the band but something has to change. We have a manager that is working to get things together so hopefully that helps. I've also been feeling really anxious about migraines. For the past few months they've been happening every 3 weeks and I'm currently on week 4 since my last one. Reading Sarno's 12 daily reminders just now did remind me that the fear is what controls us so that helped a bit. I've also been trying to say "yes" to the pain. I realized that so often when I feel pain, or anxiety or fear of migraines that my inner voice has a tendency to say "no", "let those feelings go" or "I don't want to feel that way" and then try some sort of technique to relieve the feelings or pain. I see now how that is repression in action. I've also started playing a lot more guitar and singing songs. I wrote a song about my feelings and I've been learning cover songs that resonate with how I feel. I got so focused on being a "good" drummer that I lost touch with using music as a tool for expressing feelings. Since guitar is not my main instrument I find myself able to emote more without worrying if I'm playing "good". Lastly, I'm so thankful for this forum. I never realize how much I have on my mind until I post here. It's great having a place to vent and just talk about what's happening in general with people who understand what we are going thru.

 

Hi, BamBam. You may be getting the migraines because of frustration and anger at that thoughtless guitar member of your band. But try not to let it get to you. He may have some problems of his own and needs time to deal with them. You might have to give up on him and find a replacement.

It's great to be able to play the guitar and to write songs. Maybe try writing happy songs to lift you spirit. So many new songs today are downers.
We need more uppers.

Hope you have a very Happy Easter.