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Day 10 - question to ponder

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oetam_dude

New Member
The one person that I feel that I need to hide some of my true emotions from is my wife, and it is perverse in a way, since I really do share SO MUCH with her! But some of my emotions/thoughts would REALLY hurt her, and I don't see any benefit for us when I consider telling her. In fact, I feel like I need to hide these emotions from her, as a sort of duty to be good to her. I know that this is probably counter-marriage-advice or whatever... and I'm not sure if I want to get into the specifics of these thoughts on the internet... but it is a sort of conundrum! Where I'm at is that basically I feel that for me to be the best husband to her, I must hide these emotions/feelings, try to improve them if possible, and make the best of our situation, for the both of us.

I general, I do not hide emotions from her or from anybody in fact (even stangers, really), but these specific thoughts/emotions are WAY more delicate.

If I have difficult emotions and/or thoughts that I hide from her, I assume that it is possible for me to not hide them from myself, and acknowledge them sufficiently to alleviate or prevent any TMS that results from them. Even if I can't solve all of the problems that cause these emotions or thoughts... hopefully acknowledging them is sufficient?
 
Well, this is certainly why we engage in writing practices! We write that shit down, and then we ultimately throw it away with the rest of the trash because there's no reason to keep it. It's the very premise of the Unsent Letter writing technique.

But let's get into this a bit more. So you write down the shit so you can get it out and see these things that you're carrying around, you acknowledge and accept them, and maybe sometimes that's good enough. Or maybe you spend some time contemplating why these things are so negative for you. Why are they triggering you?

This is where the emotional vulnerability comes in, because you have to access the inner child in you, the one that really wants to lash out, whining and crying and even kicking and screaming, because whatever it is that you're actually upset about is So Unfair and It shouldn't be happening to ME, waaaaaah!

Just some thoughts...
 
I’m 70. Had dinner with my 42 year-old son recently. He said…”Why didn’t you tell me before I got married just how difficult marriage is?”. I asked him how he handles “difficulties” that he has with his wife. What does he choose to share with her about how he’s feeling and what is her reaction when he does share. His reply: “oh…I learned very early-on to DO THE MATH.” So before he delves into an issue with his spouse he tries to determine if the outcome of that particular conversation will be worse than whatever it is that he brought to her attention. I should have been the one asking him for advice. Some things are better kept to ourselves, I believe that’s a given. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t voice issues like this to a counselor or in writing to be tossed after we get it out. Journaling is where we let our minds think the unthinkable. You asked a great question. Thank you
 
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