I know that when the pain started last September it was a particularly stressful time in my life. I had finished my masters program and had to enter the field of my degree. A lot of expectations after spending most of my adult life in school. And I enjoyed school. No jobs were available for my actual experience level and I was forced to take the undesirable work that I cringe at the thought of. Interviewing was torturous, because I'm overly critical and hard on myself. And I felt that I did not deserve any job I actually wanted. I reluctantly took a job I felt I was highly over-qualified for and that did not pay nearly what I needed to cover my bills and student loans. During that same time I also obtained sole custody of my son. His father was busy with his incarceration, so I get no help or financial support. But back to the job search.
The pain started during the application and interview process. I'm not surprised. I worked at a job I detested, enduring the relentless pain everyday, until I couldn't do it anymore.
I quit that crappy job I hated.
Now I'm discovering anger I never realized I had, for people I didn't realize I was angry at. I'm imagining taking my rage out on them. And I want to feel the sadness. But I'm so used to locking it away. I locked it away after my mother died 6 years ago. The only person I was close to. Who really knew me. My father has always been emotionally distant... I hate my boyfriend's 7 year old daughter because they are close and he is overly nurturing. I feel like it's being rubbed in my face... because I feel parentless. Un-nurtured. Alone. The pain moves around my head like it's desperately trying to hold on to me somehow, like stinging tentacles on a sadichistic octopus that feeds on my misery. As I come to terms with how unkind I have been to myself and how angry I am, I fight back against this beast inside me that has held me captive for far too long. I am tired, but I am not giving up.
The pain started during the application and interview process. I'm not surprised. I worked at a job I detested, enduring the relentless pain everyday, until I couldn't do it anymore.
I quit that crappy job I hated.
Now I'm discovering anger I never realized I had, for people I didn't realize I was angry at. I'm imagining taking my rage out on them. And I want to feel the sadness. But I'm so used to locking it away. I locked it away after my mother died 6 years ago. The only person I was close to. Who really knew me. My father has always been emotionally distant... I hate my boyfriend's 7 year old daughter because they are close and he is overly nurturing. I feel like it's being rubbed in my face... because I feel parentless. Un-nurtured. Alone. The pain moves around my head like it's desperately trying to hold on to me somehow, like stinging tentacles on a sadichistic octopus that feeds on my misery. As I come to terms with how unkind I have been to myself and how angry I am, I fight back against this beast inside me that has held me captive for far too long. I am tired, but I am not giving up.
