My acceptance of the TMS diagnosis is a pendulum. It swings from absolute certainty when I’m doing the work and thinking consciously about my history and symptoms, to extreme doubt when my symptoms worsen or new ones develop. When symptoms are bad, my automatic thought patterns - even though I am trying to challenge them - are “it’s different this time, this is not normal, something is wrong.” Intellectually, I fully accept TMS - I know in the rational part of my brain that I would not have this wide variety of symptoms (fatigue, autonomic dysfunction, pain, anxiety, OCD) for decades if it were anything other than a mind-body problem. Emotionally though, my nervous system is so fried and the pathways of fear and catastrophizing so well developed that I don’t (yet) have the control over my subconscious thinking that I believe is necessary to recover.
My doubts and worries are centered around my fear of never getting better, of never living the life I want to live, that I don’t have the inner tools to recover. I often feel like something didn’t get wired correctly within me and that for whatever reason it’s not fixable. I’ve been doing therapy for 20 years (multiple therapists and techniques), dabbled in different forms of spirituality, tried medication. I started TMS work in late 2025. My worries are that TMS is just the latest thing I’m clinging to for hope and that it too will pass into the dustbin heap that contains my failed attempts at getting well.
And yet, as I noted above, rationally - I know there is not another explanation. After 25+ years, I'd already be dead if all these symptoms were serious pathologies. Furthermore, I am so much better than I was last summer, even last fall. Just a year ago, I was having debilitating “adrenaline dumps” almost nightly, heat intolerance so severe I couldn’t do anything outside most days, GI reactions to so many foods that my doctor started me on a mast cell stabilizer. Now I eat whatever I want, almost never have “adrenaline dumps”, and while I still have heat sensitivity, it is much improved. I notice that I am worse when I am thinking about my symptoms and problems. The busier I am, the better I am. However, I still don’t know how to listen to my body. I think every signal is an alarm, and then I panic. I am fatigued and sore constantly, never recovering from exercise (which I do most days) and am worse after intense exercise or hard yard work. I am not good at approaching it with indifference, always worrying about the symptoms meaning something catastrophic for me.
All things considered, I think I mentally accept TMS as the diagnosis but I lack the confidence to believe I can fully overcome it.
My doubts and worries are centered around my fear of never getting better, of never living the life I want to live, that I don’t have the inner tools to recover. I often feel like something didn’t get wired correctly within me and that for whatever reason it’s not fixable. I’ve been doing therapy for 20 years (multiple therapists and techniques), dabbled in different forms of spirituality, tried medication. I started TMS work in late 2025. My worries are that TMS is just the latest thing I’m clinging to for hope and that it too will pass into the dustbin heap that contains my failed attempts at getting well.
And yet, as I noted above, rationally - I know there is not another explanation. After 25+ years, I'd already be dead if all these symptoms were serious pathologies. Furthermore, I am so much better than I was last summer, even last fall. Just a year ago, I was having debilitating “adrenaline dumps” almost nightly, heat intolerance so severe I couldn’t do anything outside most days, GI reactions to so many foods that my doctor started me on a mast cell stabilizer. Now I eat whatever I want, almost never have “adrenaline dumps”, and while I still have heat sensitivity, it is much improved. I notice that I am worse when I am thinking about my symptoms and problems. The busier I am, the better I am. However, I still don’t know how to listen to my body. I think every signal is an alarm, and then I panic. I am fatigued and sore constantly, never recovering from exercise (which I do most days) and am worse after intense exercise or hard yard work. I am not good at approaching it with indifference, always worrying about the symptoms meaning something catastrophic for me.
All things considered, I think I mentally accept TMS as the diagnosis but I lack the confidence to believe I can fully overcome it.
