Day 1

[ashljunk]

I am a 38 year old woman who has been told my whole life that I should expect to live with back pain. My brother had back surgery at age 21, my mom has had intense back pain since age 40 and regularly gets spinals steroid shots. She has also had surgery. My aunts and cousins suffer from back pain, and one of my cousins even got addicted to drugs because of starting out with pain medication for her back pain.

So, from childhood until now, I have been told by my mother and family that our genetics are bad with back issues, and I just need to accept it and move on. Thankfully, I have a contrarian personality, so when I am told that I "have" to accept something, I immediately challenge it. I read Nicole Sachs book "Mind Your Body" last year, and by implementing her Journal Speak exercises daily, I eliminated several chronic pain issues that I had been dealing with since age 20.

This past fall, we found out that 3 of our children have a very rare genetic disorder that affects multiple systems in the body. We also found out that one of our sons with the disorder was diagnosed with moderate intellectual disability and will likely need care for life (this damage to his brain was caused by the genetic disorder). My husband and I went through some mourning over this, including blaming ourselves for not catching this when they were infants. Early treatment could have prevented many of the problems they have today.

After receiving all this information, one morning I was in the kitchen on my hands and knees wiping up a big spill. When I got up, I immediately felt intense pain in my lower back. Thinking I had "pulled" something, I went about my daily business. For weeks I waited for the pain to get better. It never did. Then months went by. I was doing journal speak daily, so I didn't understand why this pain wasn't getting better. I tried stretches and physical therapy, and I have an MRI scheduled. My doctor expects to see a herniated disc.

I know Journal Speak and Mind Body techniques work, because I have seen it in my own life. So I found this Structured Educational Program and decided maybe I need to dig a little deeper to help this intense back and leg pain, which is sometimes so bad I can't walk. I have 8 children, age 13 and under, so I need to be physically able to take care of them.

I do worry that this will not work. I worry I will be the 10% of patients that will not take to this. The voice of my mother and family keep creeping into my mind: this is genetic, you have to just accept it. But I do believe deep down, especially with the timing of this "injury", that there is something psychological going on here. Having a perfectionist personality certainly is contributing to this.

So, I will continue to try this program, and continue to pray to our Lord who has given us this wonderful knowledge. Thank you for prayers and support.

 

[Kira790]

Hi - I was getting ready to make a day 1 entry myself when I saw yours. First I'd like to say I'm so sorry for what you are going through with your children. When you have responsibility for the wellbeing of someone else, it's a different ballgame than just "assuming responsibility" for others who can reasonably take care of themselves. Being a caretaker of children, or an adult who for whatever reason cannot fully take care of themselves, is an enormous responsibility and that translates to pressure, and for many of us leads to guilt when something bad happens. For those of us more prone to TMS, we tend to broaden that responsibility to mean it's our job to prevent every bad thing possible from happening, to completely eliminate risk and if something bad happens, we believe it's our fault. With that in mind, you have to know that the diagnosis of your children is not your fault. If you willfully neglected them - refused to take them to the doctor, refused treatment, knew the risks and ignored symptoms, things like that - OK, that's different. But not catching things you didn't know to look for - especially something that is very rare, that is unfortunately how the cards are dealt sometimes and it just is. It is not your fault.

Regarding having a hard time accepting TMS as your diagnosis, I think it may be helpful for you to read more about how common herniated discs/disc abnormalities are if you randomly pull people off the street and scan their backs. Drs. Sarno and Schubiner both wrote about this. If I recall correctly, I think Dr. Sarno called them "normal abnormalities". The implication is that the disc abnormality likely doesn't cause the pain because there are tons and tons of people walking around with the abnormality who do not have pain. Yes, still get the scan and make sure there isn't something that is definitely not TMS - but it's worth thinking about in the context of "do people without pain also have this finding if they are pulled off the street and scanned". If that answer is yes, it's a good sign it's TMS.

Wishing you the best on your journey.