Day 1

Right now doing day 1. Been so horribly sick for 8 years. Bedridden, chronic headache/brainfog/seizures etc. Been on disability pension for many years. Lost ability to drive after dizziness/disembarkment syndrome and seizures set in 2 years ago. In and out of hospital, too many doctors, specialists, blood tests, biopsies, medications, all kinds of therapies from acupuncture, cupping, bloodletting, physio, hypnosis, counselling, psychology, hypnotherapy, etc too many to count and name I cant anymore. Everyday I have been in agony and despair, lamenting how it is completely inhumane for this kind of pain to exist and for any human to even have to experience this kind of pain. Literal hell on earth. Wtf. And being mad about the inhumanity of the pain just makes me more mad. Soo, thats great for me.

In the past 2-3 years I had to grasp at air to find ways to live and not die. I asked God to let me die, to kill me now, and I was angry when after another week, month, year I was still so sick and in more pain. Though deep down I didnt want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. And it wasn't. The fear and sense of hopelessness, never-ending nightmare feeling was so tormenting and overwhelming I was just ... no words to describe that kind of fear and sense of darkness. And now the sense of doom and terror still tries to pull the rug from under me. Ok this is very strange but right now there is pain in my fingers and forearms that I've never really had before. This is the first time I've had this pain here. I understand with TMS it says that the pain can move to different places when going through this. This is so weird honestly.

My level of acceptance of TMS diagnosis: umm somewhat yes high for me to be writing this post, though that doubting 'what if not' part of brain still wants to poke its head out every so often but watching the 20/20 video alot of things clicked in my head and I related alot to it.

My doubts/worries are the feelings and thoughts of doubts and worries I have about this not working lol. But then I see how that could actually be the issue that is fixed by following Dr Sarno's work.