After more than a month on the TMS Wiki site, and nearly two months after reading The MindBody Prescription, I started the SEP today. Oh, I have been meaning to, and I did Day 0 a couple of weeks ago. Procrastinator? Yes, big time. It's all part of my Perfectionism. Also, I sort of thought I didn't need to do any more than I was already doing. I read MindBody, am nearly finished with The Great Pain Deception. I get TMS. I do. My pain was lessening, and I found that when it did arise, I could re-distract myself enough not to panic. Last week I had two days that were amazing. No pain. I did things I hadn't done without fear or dread for years. Like lifting my couch high enough to slide coasters under the legs, things like that. Little things that had sent my shoulders, back, torso into wiry knots of pain for the past several years. When the pain came back, I was still confident that I had TMS handled. The past few days have been challenging, though. Expecting houseguests for the coming week and feeling too crummy to prepare for them caused even more stress, more pain. A couple of days ago, I read a piece by Steve Ozanich where he talked about people not being ready to heal. Of course, it didn't apply to me. No, it didn't because I know all about the mind-body connection. It makes so much sense. Of course, the mind controls how we feel. Of course, I have lots of anger and stress and emotions beneath the surface. Of course, I am dealing with them. Except... There I sat with growing pain, starting to wonder if there is something 'really' wrong with me. I know there isn't and yet...maybe. I want to believe in TMS. It makes so much sense. But why didn't I heal instantly after reading Dr. Sarno's work? Some people do. And I get it!! I really do. Why not me? Thinking of Steve's article and re-reading it, I realized the truth about myself. A truth I didn't want to acknowledge. I had to admit to myself: I hadn't accepted the diagnosis. Not 100%. 95%? Sure. But in my perfectionistic way, my SuperEgo (I think it's the SuperEgo, if not, somebody set me straight) was ready to bail when it didn't see immediate, resounding success. I have a long, long track record of this kind of behavior. So, today I regrouped, started on Day 1. Watched the John Stossel/Dr. Sarno video. I cried when the patients featured talked about their recoveries. The beauty and ease of Dr. Sarno's recovery system is all there for the taking when we are ready. Yes, this is true, this is real and someday it will be me.