DAY 1

Hello,

my name is nick (nicole), I´m from Vienna (Austria) and 35 years old. I understand a lot, but my writting is horrible- so please, excuse

Where I stand

With 17 (maturity journey) I had my first panic attack. I also had it in my childhood, but only at sleep (sleep/night walking, i hope you know what I mean)

Ok, it all starts, when I was 19 or 20 years. I had pain in my right crossbone, hip and buttocks. I got an x-ray, which shows nothing. After a few months, i did sports, it went away.

Form 20-33 years there were 5-7 episods of pain, but with sports and not thinking about it, it went away. Between 17-27 I had panic attacks, but with a psychotherapist i learnd to handle it.

After this episod I had neck and shoulder problems, but I didnt care about it.

At the age of 33 years I had a massive attack in my right buttocks, lower back and leg. And so I decided to look whats going on with me. At this time a was sad and felt a lot of anger about my work, so i decided to make a break and got a new job. I thought after that my pain will be better, but it doesnt. I was very frightend and scared, because my mother has morbus bechterew and morbus crohn since I m a four year old girl. It scarys me a lot. Nobody found her illness over 10 years. So I went to the doctor. She made x-rays and blood test. The blood test shows nothing, the x-rays shows: hip dysplasia, starting athrose in the hips and iliosacral joint. I got very nervous and started a physio. I didnt helped me so I got NSRA medication, with the same result. I was so scared that I made a MRI, which shows a little bit a sacroalitis (only one doctor saw this, the other one not). For me it was clear that I have Morbus Bechterew so I met a reumatologist. He didnt see any inflammations, so he decided to start zero. New MRI, blood test and gentest. Nothing, but HBLA 27 pos. He gave me medication, but it didnt helped me. So I tried, radon-bath, TCM, sports, diat, chiropract., 2 other doctors, … . Nothing helped. So I went back to the rheuma-clinic. They gave me for 3 months Immunosupressants, without reaction on my body. Wow! I felt very depressed, so I got to the physio and backpain center. I had a very nice physiotherapist. She helps me a bit, but not for a long time. I was also in psychotherapy (my old one) but it doesnt helped and so I cut. She told me nothing new, I known her for 7 years.

Now I live with this nagging pain. I get more and more depressed. There are good days and bad days, but I m always in pain- what the h….!

About two weeks ago after I felt better and do some meditation, run and jump … it was nice, cause I imagine that I can run without pain …and in real (Monday and Wednesday), so it was ..but than on Friday I had a job interview and got neck attack, but that is ok for me. On Saturday I got a horrible pain on my right strip. That was new. I couldnt walk, it was so bad. I got to a physican doctor again (yess i know ) and he also think there is no inflammatory rheumatism- but it is hard for me to believe it. It feels so real and it is may trauma. Next week I will go to a new psychtherapist to help me with my doubts and troubles.

My pain is in my buttocks, hip, knee, food, leg. Today on the right side but it changes the side mostly after sleeping. Ist so weird! When I get a massive neck or shoulder pain, than Im painfree on my leg- ahhh?

I believe in a mind-body context really!!! But there are many fears, doubts, and this terrible pain.

I know it sounds very depressed. And yess I am … there are al ot of changes an stress by the last two years … work (now there are changes again), doctors and diagnosis, with my friends( 2 close friends are parents now, and I dont wont a own child), people died, became cancer, … . The last two years were very hard form me. I wont to break this circle of fear, hopelessness, … I know I had a lot of good ressources!

I found myself in Sarnos book, Im perfectionist, a stressed person and do more and more and more. Relaxing is hard for me … it boreds me, I dont know. One sentence about the last two years are in my mind: from the outside everything looks perfect, but inside everything breaks.

Hope: evidence sheet

-for two days i stand up with a pain on the left side, walked with the dog, came home and cried about my lost friendship, my life, my work … after that i felt so much better … the pain moved away or by 1 to 10.

I hope this suffering will end! Today is my first day!

Thank you for this forum and for listening …

Nick

 

I am sorry for your losses and it sounds like you have gone through a lot. Most of us have also. This forum has been great support. Don't lose hope!

 

thank you I dont give up! day 2 was good and bad ...there are hours with nothing or less pain and than it starts high ...maybe my feelings? today it starts high when i was tired at work ... so i lay down for 20 min and i felt better ...after work i did a lot and now it is intensive again ... maybe i have to relax and the pain reminds me ... i dont know ...

 

Hi, Nick. Welcome to the TMSWiki healing forum. You've come to the right place. I'm 86 and recovered from severe pain three years ago. I attribute that to Dr. Sarno's book, Healing Back Pain, and the SEProgram, especially journaling which helped me to discover I had been repressing and anger and other emotions since my parents divorced when I was seven. It led me to understanding them better and forgiving them. I've found that forgiving is one of the best ways to become pain free. You write that the past two years have been rough for you,
losing loved ones. I'm glad you have a dog. My dogs, four over the years, helped keep me going and happy. I hope you can modify your perfectionism, and also slow down and not put emotional stresses on yourself.

I visited Vienna years ago and loved it. My mother was born in Landeck and I went there, too, then her mother's birthplace high in the alps. Try to enjoy your beautiful city and country.

 

Hi Walt,

thanx for your post! I read Dr. Sarnos book and it makes sense ... i do all activitys, thats not my problem. I think one reason are my repressed emotions und also my fear of having a rheumatic diseases. But I m working on it. My symptoms are switching ... so I think thats not inflamed joints ... thats my muscels, nerves with not enough oxygen.
yes, i also think forgiveness is very important.
I have two dogs ... parson russell terrier and a one year old mixed breed terrier from the animal station... i love them, they make me happy, but also angry sometimes hihi
I dont know why I stress my self ... I think Im a high sensitive person and because of my moms illness in my childhood- sometimes she was in the hospital and she doesnt wanted to speak about her diseases. It was tabu ...brrr Also she put a lot of pressure on me ... she does not have any education, so she pushed me. I was at the university and i make my exam ...learning was not the problem, but i felt alone, cause nobody in may family was there and it was hard to orientated. It helps me a lot to see things on a other way, but also it was hard without financial support and understanding.
maybe i can be proud of myself and slow down
yes vienna i a nice place and the mountains gives me a wide view ...
Im thankfull about this forum and it helps to leran better english .. thats greatfull

 

Your English is a lot better than my German. Sounds like you had a difficult time with your mother and felt alone. But you definitely can take pride in how much you accomplished on your own. I didn't get much encouragement from my parents but enjoyed my independence. Love those dogs of yours. Take them for walks and play with them.