Day 1

[futuredancer]

I think I might be getting close to convince myself 100% that my back/hip pains (and other ailments) are TMS. The increase in pain felt as I was reading about it over this week and the dramatic decrease in pain after I had a rage episode yesterday really points me in this direction. This morning pain was back but it fluctuates. I am trying to do an outcome independence exercise when feeling the pain, though I haven't been really sucessful at it. Pain comes and goes and my unconscious still thinks he (or she?) has it all. Yesterday, when meditating on the whole thing, I came to the epiphany that i am REALLY rough at myself. It is amazing how hard and despotic I am on myself, compared to the "apparent" people pleaser (amazing post by Alan on the subject, BTW) I am toward others. No wonder there is pain.

 

[Gigi]

Welcome, future dancer!
I tend to resist journaling, but when working my way through the SEP I had a lot of interesting insights that resulted from putting pen to paper and reflecting on things.

I can really relate to your being very hard on yourself. I've said things to myself that I would never say to another living creature, and that's probably one reason I'm predisposed to TMS. My subC has had a lot of practice at bullying over the years.
Wishing you lots of "aha!" moments as you heal.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, futuredancer. Your TMS name says a lot about you... you are a positive person despite being hard on yourself. Be grateful you are someone who cares about others. Just try not to knock yourself out for others. Most people need to stand on their own two feet and solve their own problems. Too many people take advantage of those who care and push their problems on them. Not fair!

I hope you will write down a list of thing you've done for others and see how you should pat yourself on the back.

As for being angry with yourself, instead of a rage, try laughing. Most of the reasons we go into a rage are really things we should laugh at.