Day 1

I found "Healing Back Pain" through Amazon and I am very intrigued. As I was reading I kept seeing myself in what he was describing, especially with personality traits. I have always been a pleaser and very much a perfectionist. I'm generally really good at most things I try and rarely have failures. This makes me generally try harder and revel in people gasping and wondering how I'm able to do it all. Even writing this makes me want to rewrite it to sound less conceited... I'm currently a teacher, working on my masters degree and have been promoted to an administrative position. I would like to say work stress and school stress is probably what's causing my repressed emotions but I think there's more going on. I grew up chubby and lost the weight my freshman year of high school. All of a sudden I was smart and pretty. I still don't really believe I'm attractive and I have very, very low self esteem about my appearance...especially with my weight. I realized I've gone through quite a few undiagnosed eating disorders like anorexia, bulemia and chewing/spitting. I'm obsessive with my hair, makeup, clothing and fitness. I stopped taking my birth control a couple months ago and the hormonal changes have caused me to gain about 20 pounds and lots of emotional stress, anxiety and anger for letting myself gain weight. Luckily, I have an incredibly supportive husband who tells me I'm beautiful everyday.

Now, about my back problems....

I was very active in high school sports and when I was 15 I started having back pain. It's interesting as I write this I realize that's when I lost the weight. My MRI showed two herniated discs at L3 and L4. It progressively got worse and I tried it all for month. Two shots, physical therapy, rest...I couldn't go to class and sit and I couldn't be social. Pretty much the worst for a teenager. We decided on surgery in 2006 and my pain was instantly gone. I healed up really well and I had absolutely no pain until 2014.

With my second experience it was not gradual. I woke up instantly with pain. The kind where I was just barely making it to work, even on heavy painkillers. It again got worse, but much more rapidly. I couldn't do anything with that one. It was all the way into my foot and I experienced foot drop. I was barely out of bed and I needed to get back to work. Being a teacher makes it so hard to miss work. I had surgery within four weeks of the onset of that pain for a large L5/S1 herniation. Again, I woke up pain free. I didn't heal quite as thoroughly as my first surgery though. I had more mini flare ups, limited flexibility and I didn't work out as hard. But I think a lot of it was hesitation to re-injure.

Now the reason why I turned here...

Three weeks ago I traveled to the coast with my family to camp. It's about a four hour drive. I had been seeing a chiropractor for SI joint pain and tailbone pain and he was hesitant that I should drive in a car for that long. I had done it so many times and wasn't worried. Two days after arriving I again woke up with identical pain to 2014, lower back and leg pain. So bad I could barely move. I rode home immediately in the passenger seat all the way reclined to rest and take painkillers. I've seen the chiropractor every day since and remarkably I'm improving this time. I saw my doctor and I have another herniation at L5/S1. I like to give the chiropractor credit for it but I really think it's because I mentally believe that I can get better without surgery. I need a solution to my problems that doesn't require surgery. I have some hesitation because surgery has been so successful and chiropractors and acupuncture has been successful for me. But I believe in the power of the mind and I do think I have a lot of repressed emotions.

I'm slowly starting normal activity again but some things still hurt so much. Is this something I'm supposed to push through or can it be a gradual re-entry into the world?

I'm excited for this journey, thanks for the safe space to share

 

Hi, Twentiesgirl. If you don't mind some comments from an 86 year old bachelor...

I had severe back pain I thought came from lifting something heavy... a case of 36 cans of beer at the supermarket!
It turned out that was my subconscious mind giving me pain because of repressed emotions that went back to my childhood.

You know you are a perfectionist... I was, too. I learned to modify that... not to expect so much of myself. My book publisher boss is a super-perfectionist and for some time that was hard on me. TMS has taught me to live easier with my boss' perfectionism (He's fr from being the perfectionist he thinks he is).

You also seem to be overly concerned about your weight and looks (hair, etc.). I guess most girls are, but I say who cares about looks? Some of the nicest girls and women I've known were either over-weight or too thin. It's an old cliche, but it's what a person that counts... That's where the beauty is. You sound like you are a beautiful person inside.

I would avoid surgery no matter who tells you it could help you. Most doctors prescribe medication or surgery for everything, and neither rarely helps. Believing in theTMS MindBody theory of Dr. Sarno was the better, smarter way for me to go, and for many thousands of others.

You've just begun the SEProgram. Keep at it, keep journaling and you will become free of pain and be happier and healthiere than you ever imagined. And love yourself, or at least like yourself.

 

Thank you for the encouragement!