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Day 1 - What would a life without TMS mean to me & what I need to say to TMS

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by Mikey, Jan 6, 2016.

  1. Mikey

    Mikey Newcomer

    Cheers Kevin
  2. Walt Oleksy

    Walt Oleksy Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi, everyone. A friend who is a psychiatrist says that before he gets out of bed he does two things. One, he gets into a fetal position, which he says brings back memories of his mother's love and care when he was a baby Then he tells himself: "This is going to be a great day. No pain. It's going to be the best day ever!" Maybe give those things a try. I live in a Chicago suburb when every day in winter is a surprise... cold, rain, snow, ice, no sun. I don't think about those things in bed. I think about sunshine. I dreaded using the snowblower to clear my driveway of snow that had turned to ice... But it got into the low 40s overnight and rained. The rain washed away the snow and ice and the driveway is clear again. Thanks, Lord. You do work in mysterious ways.
    Susan1111 likes this.
  3. Mikey

    Mikey Newcomer

    Thanks Walk will give it a try, I live in Windsor in the UK, pretty chilly here as well, peace
  4. Mikey

    Mikey Newcomer

    Hey guys day 6 now. Things are going well but started journaling last night about when my mum left when I was 7. Brought up some stuff I didn't know was there. Was instantly hit with some pain which lasted nearly 24 hours, also had a recurrence of fear of posture etc. Took me a while to realise that it was probably bringing up those emotions that brought on the attack.
    The pain has stopped moving around and is sticking to one area now, I think the tms is trying to be more subtle so I buy into it, but I won't be. I keep reinforcing my belief in the syndrome and trying to do everything without fear. I've started getting stomach aches this week, did anyone have back pain move to the stomach during recovery? I think maybe it's just that I've read about all of the peptic ulcers etc.

    Thanks guys, Mike
  5. Mikey

    Mikey Newcomer

    Hey guys Day 8 now and i'm suddenly really struggling. At Day 0, I was in various different types of dull and achy pains but I felt strong and capable of navigating the many potholes in my life that I will have to encounter. Now I feel vulnerable, irritatable and frail. When I started to understand the diagnosis I felt elated for about 5 days and all my pain gradually disappeared, until for one day I had no pain fo 90% of the day. I was challanging TMS to let go. Since I started journaling it has gone from bad to worse. 2 nights ago I awoke from a nightmare which consisted of me being very angry at my ex girlfriend, yelling and screaming. Pure rage. This isn't something that I have journaled about yet but long story short: Last year my anger and pain was solely pointed towards her. This wasn't a casual relationship, we were together for 9 years and had a mortgage together. Later in the year I reached out and forgave her and said a lot of nice things about what I had got out of the relationship and that I hope she will have a great life and that I appreciate all she did for me. In my heart I really do believe the things that i said to her and it felt great as I am not the type of person who holds grudges and I knew that she was in pain, acting out because of guilt and even though her actions throughout the year were in most people's eyes insane and even evil towards me. I always stuck up for her as I knew that she was in pain and was just dealing with the breakup in her own way. I let go and forgave her consciously but I think deep down I am still angry and maybe even angry that I forgave her as in most people's eyes she probably didn't deserve it. When I woke up from this nightmare my hips were in agony, i've started trying to sleep on my side again as I know that I am healthy, it is agony though and as much as I try to push through the pain in this matter it only gets worse. Last night was even worse as I suppose I was expecting pain and it was also very cold, couldn't sleep all night and at 5am I let out my first burst of anger in months because of this. I felt that I had failed and set myself back but after the anger I used some of the new techniques I've learned and managed to regain a positive mindset rather than hanging on to that anger for the next 24 hours.

    I am going to try sleeping on my back again as even though it takes longer to fall asleep it is comfortable, until I am more in control and then try the side thing again. I have many things to worry about, but im not a worrier, i'm a risk taker and I 100% believe in the will of the universe and everytime i'm about to have a disaster in my life something happens in the knick of time, this is something I have come to realise is a strength. I have just moved into a new place owned by a good friend, I may struggle with rent this month as i'm a freelance, editor, mgfx artist and actor, so work in January is always sparse. Deep down I know that I will be ok but I think that my subconscious is freaking out and that is why for the last four days I have had a constant ache below the scapula. I have continued to think psychologically, not giving into fear or being intimidated by the pain, nor getting angry about the pain. However, I feel as though my greatest anger deep down is caused by having pain in the first place. I'm anxious about having pain and my tms gives me pain because i'm anxious, it's a viscious cycle and I am so irritated by how illogical my TMS is acting. It's not helping me it's making my life so much harder. Now I feel worried about going to work on a freelance contract or to an acting audition because I am not centered at the moment because of the nature of this program. I 100% believe I need to do it but now i'm worried my mind and body are going to be in too much turmoil to deal with a high pressure job in the next few weeks. That said I need the money and want to prove to myself that I can deal with things better than last year. Last year when freelancing I would take 8 ibuprofen a day to stop my lower back spasms and was terrified of pain, at least now I know that it's not real and I don't fear it. Maybe if I get one of these opportunities I will surprise myself in the way that I deal with it just like I did at the cinema. Knowledge is power me thinks lol :) Thanks for listening to my ravings guys, good to get it out there...
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2016
  6. Walt Oleksy

    Walt Oleksy Beloved Grand Eagle

    Life without my book publisher boss would make my day/year/life, but I need the work.

    Mikey, I know what life as a freelance is like, being a fulltime freelance writer for more than the past 40 years (I'm 85 and still working, two online writing and editing jobs) and earning below poverty level. But hey, I'm not under anyone's thumb and can't be fired. Acting can be stressful, like freelance writing, but if it's your passion, keep at it. You have editing and art to help you with work gigs. I always say success is talent, but mostly perseverance.

    Keep deep breathing and thinking positive. You might be one of next year's Oscar or Emmy nominees. You just haven't been discovered yet. Keep working at it and you will be.
  7. Mikey

    Mikey Newcomer

    Thanks for the kind words Walt, nice to hear from a kindred spirit. Yeah I used to act a lot when I was younger, I was in a movie and a few TV shows in the UK. I have been out for a decade; growing as a person, experiencing life and expressing myself creatively through different mediums. A number of fateful events have put me back onto this path again, when I least expected it last year. It's always been my dream and there hasn't been a day that I didn't think about it. Now I feel as though I have so much more to draw from because of the intensity of the last few years and I have fire in the belly and a drive to make my dreams a reality which I never had before. The main worry for me was whether my pain and fear of pain would hold me back as it was causing doubt, that's why I'm so glad that I found out about TMS on January 1st. I've had a feeling that 2016 would be my year and would completely change my life. Finding out about TMS on Janury the 1st seems like fate to me and it has given me the knowledge I needed to make me truly believe and remove all doubt. As far as Oscar's and Emmy's go it's just a matter of time, belief, hard work and a little bit of luck along the way :) Bring on 2016, the year of the Scorpio!
  8. Mikey

    Mikey Newcomer

    Hey guys i'm on Day 10 now. I've been getting very deep when journaling and I have had a recurrence of pain in a place that I haven't had it for months. It's gluteus medius pain and at it's worse it was my most severe type of pain. Is it logical to assume that this pain could be linked to one emotional trauma in particular and that is why it has returned as i've started to journal about that issue? I think this because when the gluteus pain was at it's worst for me it was that issue that was really upsetting me. I also want to know if you guys had any recurrence of pain when journaling and how this is meant to be a good thing? I know it has to get worse before it gets better but it is getting quite scary as i'm feeling pain that I wasn't expecting to return. Also how do you guys calm down and release tension when you are actually in a pain attack?

    I'm still having lots of pain when sleeping and now i'm trying some different positions and the use of pillows, is this going to feed the TMS? The thing is that I have never been that comfortable in my default sleeping position and using pillows between the legs does feel more comfy, I just don't want to end up having to sleep in some very specific and elaborate way as it makes me feel a bit strange and I don't want to have to explain to people why I have to sleep in such a specific way as it feels embarassing to me. I just can't seem to find any way to sleep without tension however much I try, Thoughts?

    Thanks again guys, getting there I think...

  9. Susan1111

    Susan1111 Well known member

    Mike sorry you're having a hard time. I'm hearing your anxiety in your writing. Have you tried some form of meditation? Even if you just close your eyes and breath it might calm you down especially during pain.

    As for sleeping howver you can feel comfortable is the right way. If pillows help use them!

    Analyzing every movemnt is not going to be helpful it sounds to me that it feeds fear.

    Hope tonight's sleep is better for you.
  10. Mikey

    Mikey Newcomer

    Cheers Susan, yeah feeling rough, but deep down I think i'm tackling issues that i've been running from for a long time. yes I meditate often, will have another go in a bit,


  11. Mikey

    Mikey Newcomer

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