Day #1 The scary path to healing

My level of acceptance is at a 70% right now. The pain lodged next to my right shoulder blade and the pain on the sides of my throat are in doubt of the idea that it's all physical.

When I moved to america two years ago from Kenya, I was eager to start the college experience here, and after a few months fell into some kind of depression. I was so overwhelmed by the racial issues in America, from learning about the history of slavery and how recent so many laws were passed that I became so afraid and anxious all the time of everyone around me. At the same time I was going through a really difficult break up and the person I cared about most 100% in the world just abandoned me.

I had lived abroad before, two years in India, and there was surprised to learn all the disturbing ideas people had of me as an african and as a black person. ISo in december 2014, the pain started, as two knots next to my shoulder blades and behind them. This spread up my neck and shoulders and down as well. It's been a NIGHTMARE. I've done acupuncture, physiotherapy, meditation, but none of it consistently because I think a part of me knew that nothing structurally happened to me- no injury, no nothing. Just a horrible winter and the most alone I've ever felt.

I quit carrying handbags, quit carrying backpacks, always ask for a chair to sit when we have to stand, and constantly worry about how this will impact my possible career as an actress/musician. Adding onto this, are race issues and how will I support myself living in new york as an actress with back pains?

I want to believe Dr. Sarno but a part of me is terrified. WHAT IF IT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME? WHAT IF I'M ON WEEK 4 AND NOTHING HAS CHANGED? WHAT DO I DO WHEN THE PAIN IS JUST SO HORRIBLE?
Yesterday, or the past couple of days, the pain has relocated to my right shoulder blade and it was so bad today at lunch I actually got mad at my body. 'WHAT ARE YOU REPRESSING? UNREPRESS!' wondering what it could be that I was repressing and why it wasn't showing up. I'm genuinely AFRAID. What if this program doesn't work for me?

The X-RAYS and MRIs show scoliosis with mild disk degeneration. I started physiotherapy again recently,so I don't know whether to quit it. Growing up I used to cry every single day until I was about 10 (Until I learned that showing your emotions wasn't okay I guess) Father died at 11- Alcoholic who barely got along with my mother, but I still miss him. Had allergic rhinitis growing up and hyperacidity all through high school. Everytime I am in Kenya my digestive system doesn't work and was told I have irritable bowel syndrome when I was 10. In india had ankle pains from a fracture and spent a while in a cast. First year in america got a sprain, then started having knee pains. Knee pains went away now I have back pain. Just wonderful. I really TRULY want to believe.

 

Hi cookie,

I think you are new at this, and I want to recognize that your history is very common with TMS folks coming here for help. You are seeing the various symptoms over the years. You are finding out how you fit what Dr. Sarno has shown us. This investigation, personally, in detail, is very important in convincing you at deeper and deeper levels over time.

Next I want to recognize that your fears and doubts and "70%" is also natural and common. You've engaged in this Program and this is the start. Try to observe your fear of the future and see it as a TMS symptom: what is it distracting you from feeling down deep?

Good luck in your journey, and have patience, as best you can.

I also suggest you do the Alan Gordan's TMS Recovery Program on the Wiki. It teaches skills, has recordings exploring psycho-dynamics. You may want to jump right into this now and come back to the SEP.

Andy B

 

You will know what you need to know, in time. If you gently begin to ask this question, every day, the information will arise. What does not want to be felt? How might my Inner Child be feeling about ____________ right now? How does what I feel right now challenge my adult self-image in a way which might cause repression/suppression? Sensing into my body right now, what am I aware of? Part of the process is sending a signal to yourself that you are willing and able to feel more.

You are starting this process. This is good news!

 

Hi, Cookie. I hope you will work on believing in TMS even more. It takes 100 percent belief. That is hard for many to achieve.
I withheld about 10 percent, and finally healed from severe back pain when I convinced myself 100 percent.

Don't be afraid the SEProgram won't work for you. Be positive, that it will heal you, and it will. You're an actress... imagine yourself already healed. It's called the Power of Attraction. There are some very good videos on it on Youtube.

 

Thank you walt

 

I like the idea of gentleness. I think I'm shaking a bit too hard and it might be better or more trusting to be more gentle with the question

 

Hi cookie,

If you find yourself being demanding or pushing in your desire to "know" and "fix," then you can also just acknowledge this action in the moment. You can inquire into how this "non-gentleness" (which we all have) might feel to the Inner Child, or how it causes inner tension.

When we do inner work, all we can do is start where we are, moment-to-moment, and this usually means with our familiar patterns of self-treatment, self-talk. Dr. Sarno reassures us that we don't need to "change inside" in order to heal. Rather, we just put two and two together using his theory to find the true source of our pain. The inner tension is the source. Once we understand this with more and more confidence, we get better. My point in this response to you is that you simply seeing the inner tension or "pushing" is enough. We don't need to fix this, in order to have wonderful results.

At the same time, learning to treat ourselves with more gentleness is a wonderful thing, and mostly comes from seeing more and more clearly how we tend not to do this, in my experience. By clearly seeing how we are not gentle, and understanding why we are this way, gentleness arises!

Andy B