Day 1 - Not new to TMS

[honey badger]

In following the Educational Program, I am writing a post on where I am in my treatment.

I have new pain between my shoulder blades that is quite strong and is present in most things I do. It started just a few weeks ago and it is completely new. I have a resurgence of eczema between two of my fingers (webbed part) and only there; I used to get it on other fingers, but since it disappeared years ago, I hadn't had it at all, and now it has taken a bit of an abode there and it is itchy and burns very often, even waking me at night (very frustrating). Off and on I have a small red rash on the rim of my nostrils of all places, which I used to think was an allergy to a certain brand of tissues, and now I know better; this also comes and goes. I've had rosacea since my teens, which recently I've found from Steven Ozanich (The Great Pain Deception) is also an equivalent. And I have pain in the joints of my hands, which is possibly the beginning of arthritis but, as I understand it, does not necessarily have to cause pain so this could also be TMS.

A few years back I suffered a great anxiety attack that left me afraid of a repeat episode, and I suffered from feelings of panic, on and off daily, for two years afterwards. Only recently I have worked through this (yay!) and seem to be in a good place with anxiety ... at least the conscious part of anxiety. Being a people-pleaser, I have learned on this forum that I am avoiding anxiety when I people please, so obviously I have unconscious anxiety or fear for sure.

What originally brought me to TMS was sciatic pain. I had it for years and went to doctors thinking there was something wrong with my lower back, or kidneys, since that's where the pain seemed to come from. It started only at night and I had to sleep with straight legs to make the pain stop and could continue sleeping. Then it started bothering me during the day, and it got worse and worse till it started affecting me going up stairs, bending over, etc. That's when I picked up a copy of Healing Back Pain by Dr. Sarno. Just reading the book helped me address the sciatic pain, and I got rid of 95% of it. It acts up now and again, but I talk to it, or re-read parts of the book and I'm good.

But lately, new bodily issues have come up and I'm upset that I'm having a resurgence of TMS (which probably adds to my anger reservoir and makes things worse!). The top 3 TMS symptoms I am feeling overwhelmed by are my hand pain, the eczema itchiness between fingers, and the pain between my shoulder blades.

I was confused that these have come about just recently because I am a teacher and have just ended the school year, so I thought I should be pretty calm and relaxed now that holidays are here. But the eczema between my fingers and the pain between my shoulder blades grew to be quite bad, especially the eczema which kept me up at night. And I lost focus of the TMS techniques and started to try to make it all go away. The more I tried, the harder it got, and I spiraled into despair and fear that I would not be able to stop TMS this time. Of course, there have also been some family issues where I believe I have been putting too much pressure on myself, and this coincided with the end of the teaching year hustle and bustle.

Finding this forum has renewed my hope and has reminded me that "trying" only makes things worse, and that treating myself well and investing time in my self-care are key. I've read countless posts of support between members, and many success stories, and it is very heartening. I am very hopeful to start this program. I am a hundred percent believer in TMS and accept fully that I have TMS. I am a total believer.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, honey badger. Looks to me that you haven't given yourself enough time to relax and enjoy yourself after your teaching year has ended. You must still have anxiety and fear and a problem with being a people-pleaser. Having a summer off from work could be a great opportunity to step back from all your cares and worries, and to avoid situations where you feel you need to please people, if possible. We all know some people... family or friends... who will eat us alive by wanting us to agree with them or take on their burdens. I try to avoid those people because they just drag us down. Now that summer vacation has begun for you, try to enjoy it and yourself. I think you hoped that your life would be all peaches and cream the minute you left the school building. Be patient and relaxed and your TMS symptoms will go away.

 

[honey badger]

Thanks so much for your supportive words Walt. I very much appreciate your post.

It very much is the case that I expected things to "deflate" when the school ended, as is often the case in teaching. The time just before the end of year can be very stressful with assessments and reports in a very tight timeline, and many teachers often experience illness right when a holiday arrives, (often the case at Christmas as well), because the body finally gets a chance to relax, and all the tension you've been holding in finally catches up to you and you get sick. So this is common and we all take a deep breath in when we finish, and feel the relief that the holiday has arrived.

But I think in my case what's happening is that I live/teach abroad and very much miss home. I won't be going home this summer and that is weighing on me and it's not an easy country to live in. It's been two years now, and I know I have one more before I go home, so that's not helping one bit. Holidays have arrived, and the majority of colleagues are going home, but we're not. So that may definitely be causing tension. I'm trying to tell myself that it'll all be fine, and that we're saving money, but I think this is adding to the tension for sure. I think I've been trying to pretend to myself that it's okay, when it doesn't seem to be. Thank you Walt for helping me talk about this. I really appreciate it.