Day 1: My story

[HattieNC]

My TMS story started on November 1, 2014. I awoke to searing bilateral hip and buttock pain. I immediately knew something was very wrong. Unlike most folks with TMS, I’ve been blessed not to have suffered with a lifetime of chronic pain or numerous health issues (even though I’m 55). Over the next year and a half, I followed standard “oh, my aching back” search for answers through Western Medicine. MRI’s (bulging discs), CT scan (no stenosis), and X-rays. I’ve had many epidurals, osteopathic manipulation treatments, chiropractic treatments, and even a horribly painful SI nerve ablation procedure. After the epidurals, I developed nerve pain in both feet and almost crippling sciatica. I know first-hand the horrible desperation that will drive you to try almost anything to get relief. Even if the relief is temporary. The impact on my career, marriage, and social life has been devastating. In November 2016, I began to read Dr. Sarno and Steve O. It was like looking in the mirror for the first time and really seeing myself. Perfectionist, goodist, guilt-ridden, and terrified of abandonment. I’m a regular reader on the TMS Wiki and have attended a few of the chat sessions. I try to read a few chapters of Dr. Sarno and/or Steve O every day.

Where am I in the acceptance of TMS? Truthfully, not there yet. Although I did have a breakthrough in December. While rushing half-way across the United States to be with my ailing brother, I told my nerve pain to “go away, I can’t deal with you right now!” And what do you know? It did!!! However, the nerve pain has been replaced agonizing left shoulder, neck pain, and muscle spasms. I’ve tried telling them to scram too, but my brain keeps holding on to the pain. I started journaling in January, but haven’t been consistent. Dredging up decades of past wounds and actually feeling the pain instead of going on emotional autopilot is harder than I thought it would be. Now, on to the SEP and hopefully 100% TMS acceptance.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, HattieNC. You're fortunate in that you know you have some of the most common causes of TMS emotional pain... perfectionism, goodism. feelings of guilt and fear of abandonment. You are in a very big boat with others. Let me encourage you, the SEProgram is going to help you deal with those issues and any others you discover. Mine went back to my boyhood when my parents divorced when I was seven. I didn't realize until journaling in the SEProgram how that had left me with repressed feelings of abandonment and insecurity. It led me to understanding my parents better, realizing they had their own TMS pains, and I was able to forgive them. That healed me of severe back pain.

You're never too old to heal froim TMS, no matter how long the pains have gone on. I am 86 and learned about Dr. Sarno and TMS three years ago and healed.

Keep reading and thinking about Dr. Sarno's 12 Daily Reminders. Here they are in an extended version that I like very much:

1. 
   Herbie’s Extended Version of Dr. Sarno’s 12 DAILY REMINDERS

1. 
   
   1. The pain is due to TMS. This is real pain or anxiety but it is caused by subconscious tensions and triggers, stressors and traits to your reactions and fears, and also when at boiling point your conscious tension can and does cause real pain too.
   2. The main reason for the pain is mild oxygen deprivation. This means that when you get in pain or in anxiety then the blood is restricted from going to a place such as the lower back. The blood being restricted causes oxygen deprivation which causes the pain. Remember, where there is no oxygen then there is pain in the body. Also, the pain stays because of fear and focus to physical organic symptoms and repressions.

1. TMS is a harmless condition caused by my REPRESSED EMOTIONS, so even though you think you can harm yourself from the years of pain you have felt and how you feel in general -- so far no reports have been heard from TMS healing knowledge causing damage to anyone. TMS knowledge only helps.

1. The principle emotion is your repressed ANGER. This means under your consciousness lies something that happens automatically to everyone. TMSers have repressions that are stored because of our personality traits, traumas, stressors, fears, strain, etc... When these stored repressions build and build then eventually they cause the brain to send pain into your body to keep you from having an emotional crises. The mind-body thinks it is helping you.

1. TMS exists to DISTRACT your attentions from the emotions, stressors, tensions and strains of your personality traits because if you can get distraction then you won't have to be in emotional turmoil. When you don't face and feel your emotions and they get repressed because you didn't want to deal with something -- they are just adding up in this beaker, ready to pour over and create real pain and anxiety in your body.

1. Since my body is perfectly normal, there is nothing to fear. So in reality when I fear the pain or anxiety I just cause myself undo strain and tension adding to the beaker of pain. If I fear then I feed the pain. If I fear It is impossible to recondition. Fear keeps the pain and anxiety alive in the body through focus.

1. Therefore, physical activity is harmless. If I want to work against the pain, I could, but it is better to lose some of the pain.

1. I am resuming all normal physical activity. I don't fear moving anymore. I believe in my body's ability to heal now. I can move how I want. I will not fear moving with a bent back anymore. I will also practice going out and acting normal again, not in fear of what pain might do to me.

1. The pain is unimportant and powerless. Its only power is how it is hidden -- it's illusion; it's fear.

10. I will keep my attention on the emotional issues. I will think about my emotions and feel my emotions throughout the day. I will not judge, criticize or fear my emotions. I will not run from my emotional issues but face everyone of them. I will feel my emotions fully and cry if I need to. Then I will release the emotion and get my mind and thoughts back to my life and living in the present, in flow.

1. 
   11. I am in control of all of this. This is how I recover.

12. I will be thinking PSYCHOLOGICALLY AT ALL TIMES. This means I will keep my thoughts on psychological issues like happiness, fear and anger -- traits and triggers, conditioning and journaling. The science behind mind- body/TMS healing, etc.... This way I will not feed my thoughts to the body -- that is a trick of TMS. TMS will always try to get me to focus on the body caused by the pain until I break its show and flair. When I get my attention off psychical symptoms and on emotional issues and psychological issues then I will not feed the fear of the physical issues anymore, ` thus making the tms of no effect. This will in return, give you the cure.

 

[HattieNC]

Thank you Walt. I printed out the reminders so I can carry them with me. You are my inspiration! I look forward each day to reading your posts. I looked younger than my age until TMS. Now, I look in the mirror and barely recognize myself. During a particularly bad episode last year, I lost over 50% of my very thick hair. Not only is TMS physically painful, it has taken a serious toll on my self-esteem. Thankfully, my hair is growing back and I practice positive self-talk by saying aloud "you are getting younger, healthier, and better looking each day!"

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi again, Hattie. Thank you for the kind words. I'm glad your hair is growing back. I have to laugh at men who have beautiful thick hair, but have it almost all shaved off or become totally bald. That handsome British soccer star, David Beckham, seems to have started the craze, having his blond locks shaved off. I think he's nuts.

Your self-talk mantra is terrific. I look in the mirror and, at age 86, see my grandfather. I just smile and a younger man looks back at me.

You might like reading the book I wrote about TMS... God Does Not Want You to Be in Pain. I wrote it with another in the TS community... Eric Watson. You can order it from amazon.com books. It may be under his name.

Keep up the good work. Consider yourself hugged.