homorobothead
Well known member
I am about 99% certain that I have TMS. My brother died last May and that's when I started having all these wild pain symptoms. It started with Tennis/Golfer's elbow in both elbows. I am a potter, so my job is pretty intensely physical and requires the use of my arms and back extensively. I have also lifted weights for 12 years.
I also have a lot of guilt, shame, resentment, and pain associated with my brother who is 4 years my senior, but had quadreplegic cerebral palsy, and was suffering his whole life. I was responsible for his care (including diapering and feeding), attended the same school, rode the short bus together, and monitoring him for aspiration/dehydration/seizures etc. during the summer months and sometimes in the evenings when my parents went out.
One time I complained, after I was prompted, and told my parents that I was jealous of all the attention he received (I was 10 or 11) and my father made me sit completely motionless in a chair for hours until I wet myself and my father then hurt me pretty bad, so I learned to stuff emotions and lie about my feelings.
After he died, it was a very conflicting experience, because when I told people he lived 5 years longer than expected, they acted celebratory, though I knew he had such a low quality of life filled with pain, so I felt relieved and happy for him, which made me feel ashamed and alienated. This, and a few other reasons, are why I think I have TMS.
I went to the doctor and she gave me a steroid pack which made me have a panic attack (I haven't had one in 8 or so years) which completely derailed any progress I had made in my mental health journey, and the pain persisted in my elbows and transferred up to my traps and neck. The night of my panic attack, I was watching a movie with my husband and suddenly felt this agonizingly painful sharp sensation in the sides of my neck. I thought I was dying. I was convinced that I had dissected an artery and was going to bleed out, or that the discs in my neck were slipping, and I was going to be paralyzed like my brother.
I got counselling for the crazy health anxiety, and that helped a lot, but it was expensive and I convinced myself that I was well.
I went back to the doctor with the neck pain and she sent me to PT, which helped somewhat. I then went on a trip to Ireland which was miserable, because I got an ear infection on the flight there, contracted norovirus, and then Covid.
I went back to the doctor who preceribed me antibiotics and that cleared the ear infection which helped, but she wanted to sonogram my lymph nodes. All was well with that, but the neck and trap pain lingers, though it has improved.
I have stopped all of my PT stretches and it actually feels BETTER. I am taking a break from working out and just giving myself a break, rereading Dr.. Sarnos' book, and now doing this program, because I am ready to be well, and stop letting shame manifest itself in my body. There is nothing physically wrong with me. All my blood tests are fine, my x rays are fine. I just need to stop the incessant googling and convince my own mind that I am not in danger.
Thank you so much for reading and I look forward to reading all of your stories too!
I also have a lot of guilt, shame, resentment, and pain associated with my brother who is 4 years my senior, but had quadreplegic cerebral palsy, and was suffering his whole life. I was responsible for his care (including diapering and feeding), attended the same school, rode the short bus together, and monitoring him for aspiration/dehydration/seizures etc. during the summer months and sometimes in the evenings when my parents went out.
One time I complained, after I was prompted, and told my parents that I was jealous of all the attention he received (I was 10 or 11) and my father made me sit completely motionless in a chair for hours until I wet myself and my father then hurt me pretty bad, so I learned to stuff emotions and lie about my feelings.
After he died, it was a very conflicting experience, because when I told people he lived 5 years longer than expected, they acted celebratory, though I knew he had such a low quality of life filled with pain, so I felt relieved and happy for him, which made me feel ashamed and alienated. This, and a few other reasons, are why I think I have TMS.
I went to the doctor and she gave me a steroid pack which made me have a panic attack (I haven't had one in 8 or so years) which completely derailed any progress I had made in my mental health journey, and the pain persisted in my elbows and transferred up to my traps and neck. The night of my panic attack, I was watching a movie with my husband and suddenly felt this agonizingly painful sharp sensation in the sides of my neck. I thought I was dying. I was convinced that I had dissected an artery and was going to bleed out, or that the discs in my neck were slipping, and I was going to be paralyzed like my brother.
I got counselling for the crazy health anxiety, and that helped a lot, but it was expensive and I convinced myself that I was well.
I went back to the doctor with the neck pain and she sent me to PT, which helped somewhat. I then went on a trip to Ireland which was miserable, because I got an ear infection on the flight there, contracted norovirus, and then Covid.
I went back to the doctor who preceribed me antibiotics and that cleared the ear infection which helped, but she wanted to sonogram my lymph nodes. All was well with that, but the neck and trap pain lingers, though it has improved.
I have stopped all of my PT stretches and it actually feels BETTER. I am taking a break from working out and just giving myself a break, rereading Dr.. Sarnos' book, and now doing this program, because I am ready to be well, and stop letting shame manifest itself in my body. There is nothing physically wrong with me. All my blood tests are fine, my x rays are fine. I just need to stop the incessant googling and convince my own mind that I am not in danger.
Thank you so much for reading and I look forward to reading all of your stories too!
