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Day 1, beginning again

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by cookieheals, Feb 20, 2021.

  1. cookieheals

    cookieheals Peer Supporter

    Hi all,

    I'm beginning again. I dropped off the TMS train about 2.5 months ago, and decided to get back on, not at Day 25, which is where I left off, but Day 1, to start of the building again from the foundation, as talking to Baseball65 is teaching me that I really need to begin again and missing certain fundamentals.

    Level of acceptance. 60%. It's shocking that my level of acceptance is this low. I was diagnosed with TMS in 2017, after 2 years of back pain and recovered in 18 days. I grew up in a traumatic home. I'm living in a lot of stress right now. I have all the personality traits of one who is a TMSer. I spoke to Dr. Schechter who told me I had all the markers of TMS. I have even gotten better from the 20 days that I worked on here; used to have pain in both legs, could not even walk down the stairs, now I can. I'm even back to working out.

    But I don't fully accept it. Why? Even though the toe pain has reduced by over 70% , is intermittent, and has withstood running, the MRIs still have me convinced that the seismoditis is the cause of the pain. Because not that many people here talk about seismoditis. It seems crazy to me that the toe could be TMS, even though, EVEN THOUGH, it has gotten much better. 3 months ago I could not even put any weight on it. Now, I can, easy. And yet. Is there something wrong with me for not being able to accept even with so much overwhelming evidence?

    The knee is the same story. Had the MRI done. These damn fucking doctors. Sometimes I wish I had an MRI done on my left leg, because when I started experiencing pain on my left, I LITERALLY did not pay any attention to it, REJECTED that it could be structrual, and it left. These damn MRIs have etched a hole in my mind.

    And here's the rub. Even iF it was structural, according to my faith in Christ, it has been healed: 1 Peter 2:24. I mean, God literally speaks hundreds of bible verses saying He HAS healed me. So if God Has healed me, then what is the pain? Deception from the brain. A distraction.

    And yet I struggle to believe. The pain freaking terrifies me. How can this be my mind? How???

    Is there something wrong with me for struggling to believe?
     
  2. Cog

    Cog Peer Supporter

    As a fellow believer, I am with you on this. Put your trust in Him. Meditate on His Word. It will change you.
     
  3. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi cookieheals,

    Congratulations for getting back on the horse! Glad you're getting help with Baseball.

    You're faith in the intrinsic "already healed" nature of your body and mind is an echo of the basic work by Dr. Sarno. Bravo! It might help for you to recite a prayer or affirmation, or some kind of reminder for yourself every day that you're already just fine, and that all of you just doesn't realize it yet.

    As to the doubts, this is what most folks go through in their TMS journey. Maybe you go from 60% sure to 70% by next month, if you're lucky. In my experience, it is a subtle task to inquire into your doubts, find their content and perhaps do more research or reading, come to the end of the line on a "physical cause" and then let that issue rest. Then notice when another doubt comes up, that is, another reason your symptom might not be TMS. Or watch your mind as the same doubt keeps coming up again and again. Eventually you learn to see the doubts themselves all have the same basic content: doubt. Seeing this, it makes it easier to disengage mindfully, naming it as "There's another doubt. So what?"

    You don't have to make the doubts go away so much as be kind to yourself, and "don't believe everything you think." And rest assured, you can have a great deal of healing, as your finding, even with doubts. If you make your doubts something to struggle against, something you believe is causing you pain that have to be obliterated, then you're in fact still engaged in TMS type pressuring. Be gentle as you can. Have empathy for your doubts, but try not to identify with them.

    Andy
     
  4. cookieheals

    cookieheals Peer Supporter

    Andy, this is incredible feedback. I had no idea that this was an option in engaging with doubt. The persistent, 'you must believe in order to heal' has been stressful on my mind- in times when i feel like I can't 100% believe. Engaging with them like, "there you are, so what?" as opposed to "now let me make a thesis against you" or going down the rabbit hole of okay, why do you think it's not TMS? I've done that a few times and there's such overwhelming evidence that it is, that the doubt shuts up, only to return again later. Thank you for this.
     

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