day 1 average joe starts treatment

day 1
i think i have been looking for this site for ten years now
i have tms and will be better soon
i am a perfectionist, i am a people pleaser and i have a mind that wont stop thinking, i have always thought my pain was due to stress, now to fix that
i work out, and will be pain free

 

Welcome, Joe!

 

day three question to ponder notes
even though i do experience pain every day i still go to work out ..usually 3 to 4 times a week, i run, recumbant bike and do weights, its my me time.
my pain usually diminishes, or disappears when i work out. it used to be in the last year i could not work out because it brought on urgency symptoms, so i went to the doctor and got flomax. now the symptoms of that are managable and still work out. other wise i think i would go a bit crazy. i have a job that demands a great number of decisions a day, a principal, from staff to students to discipline to money and so on. i use my workout time to recharge and decompress, i used to run more until the urgency symptoms got to the point it was impossible, it happened n a week after my wif came back from her second trip without me. working out or running has always been my way to deal ever since my dad died when i was young, i cant and wont do with out it, so no matter how much anything appears to hurt, i still go

 

its my only alone time other wise it work, wife or daughter, my wife has been sick with cancer twice and is now retired, my daughter lives with us in an apartment i built for her in the basement. I like the run, the sweating the mindlessness of a good work out, i sometimes cut them short, i will feel guilty if my wife lets me know she did not do her exersize so i will skip mine or do a shorter work out.
even though i need a workout i often feel i cant take the time to do one, that i have to hurry home to be with my wife. its funny that i feel this guilt, i have to be there with her, sitting in front of the tv, because she is tired, cant do any thing else much, we do lots on the week end and she recovers through the week but through the week she sits, and i sit with her,,,,,maybe thats why my ass hurts and i have to pee, i done want to sit anymore with her

 

Joe, you sound like you are in a real rush all of the time. Even your bladder is in a rush. I sense the frenzy from your descriptions. When we rush we are not focusing on and enjoying the present moment. All we can think about is some end goal and until we get to that goal we are frustrated. This causes the tension (rage) that fuels our symptoms, as do feelings of guilt, sadness and regret. I am a great one to talk as I rush around just as much as you at times. However I am now more mindful of the impact it has on me and when I notice what I am doing I try and put the brakes on and breathe. However it is good to acknowledge how you don't want to sit with your wife anymore. You wrote all that stuff above and this statement was at the end of what you wrote. Focus on this and feel what emotions come through you. You could write your wife an angry letter starting with "I don't want to sit with you anymore..." letting out all of your frustration, guilt and other emotions. Get the angries out. Then tear it up or shred it so you let go of your negative emotions. It won't hurt your wife because she won't ever read it.

 

thanks for the note, i think i will do that, in the last three days i have lost 70 percent of my pain in my 'sitting area' but reactivated some older symptoms, my pushing down or for me choking my anger lead to acid reflux, which came back as soon as my leg pain died away when i admited i was angry for having to feel like i had to sit with my wife, so i decided to treat the symptom so i could survive the day, then revisit my 'anger pile' as i am want to call it and look for what i am choking on so i can get rid of the cause. reduce your pain so you can think, then kill the cause, or at least recognize it so it can be dispersed on the wind. sorry for the philosophy but i have that particular bend in my psyche
i know all of my pain has always come from my tension, i have always thought i had to medicatee to gt rid of it, then i found out working out/running solved many painful problems for me
i ran for me, not for contests, it was a better, healthier time for me. but since my wifes two time cancer, i feel i have to be here, help with my daughter and be more than i was, a btter provider, more steady, more observed by my collegues due to my increased job status and i think those things out stripped my runninging less able to work, i place s abilty to compensate, hence the distracting pain, urinary troubles and acid reflux. i even have my reiki masters certificate and for 5-7 years in the middle between my wifes first cancer and the second, i was a more spiritual person and dealt better than i do now. but with the second cancr, my daughter getting older, my wifes job in jeapardy, her being less able to work i i placed more pressure on myself to make sure things worked out...i' '''sacrificed''' and still find my self doing so. for example she sits through the week so we should do something on he week end..which i cant afford, so i stop something else i wanted to do or give up buying my new runners to tak her out...because she is/was sick, she could di at any time, thats been since 1994, she is a great cancer survivor, treatment in all cases worked for her, it killed her sex drive, gave hr thin skin but she is alive and doing well. i feel guilty when i want to be with her, bcause she quite truthfully cant, i am frustrated and angry becuase that is/was one of my major stress reliefs, and a major reason we got together, physical compatibility. we both still work out and do physical activities, but in the end there is no ''physicality''
which leads to day four...the worst thing a doctor said to me, i ended up going to the best urologist in my part of the world, 5 month to get in, i had my list of symptoms, a log of questions, a log of when each symptom popped up and diagrams of the pain areas. his intern talked to me and took notes for 20 plus mins, i gave him my notes, and diagrams to give to the head doctor, 15 more mins of waiting[still feeling the need to pee the whole time] the head urologist came back and asked...do you feel pain...i of course said yes, he actually smiled and looked at the intern and said, '''see i told you''' he feels the pain, its not some thing we can fix, its pfd, pelvic floor disorder, something that affects people who run alot, stop running, do biofeedback, and come back for a urinary scope. and he left...thats it...no referrals no trying to help no sympathy, just a chance for his intern to practice doing a urinary scope....so i left, more angry than when i arrived, and since then i have been looking...i guess for this site, i have done all of the stuff for pfd, yoga, stretching...and taking drugs like flomax. i know this is tension but never found a way to dig in and admit my ultimate angers for certain things...hence the continuation of my pain. i have huge acid reflux right now, my brain trying to distract me yet again...because i so quickly got rid of the sit pain by realizing what caused it..... i have to find out what i am choking on,,,burning up on, swallowing?[my pride?] maybe. everyone sees me as this really well put together guy..and really i am, always have been but for some reason in the last few years, i am not dealing as well as i used to, i was a duck, it ran off like water, now i seem to swallow it ...and then keep my shit together...which defines my two greatest pain areas. i have done a long list of things i have been through, my dad dieing when i was young, having a second step dad die, getting a third, the expansion of family, cancer, job changes[always for the better] ever two years, all leave a mark and now my wife retiring and becomeing to me....more self oriented, saying she has done her time and she deserves to be taken care of. i love her...she is truely my only friend...i enjoy 80 percent of our time, but am starting to feel taken advantage of, ...i do all the things nobody else wants...but they have to be done, and i see a future where no one is trying to take care of me...maybe thats an anger i havenot listed. i feel a bit like i am complaining..but i am not...these are facts, this is and continues to happen, i just remortgaged my house to pay for trips we took, becuase we only live once, europe, cabo, and then she still goes to hawaii on her own, i feel frustration, and little physical connection, arrg, but i care so much and i have a daughter with her and a great home, and dogs and nice walks and applications for better jobs...for the next year

 

Hi Joe and welcome. I see many topics I would be journaling about to get the feelings out and maybe even make a connection to a past event that can be processed out. e.g. did you ever truly grieve your dad's death? (I had a long and tearful writing session when I finally grieved my mom's death--years later).

Best wishes for healing. YOU CAN BE PAIN-FREE. It takes effort but can be true for you.

 

thanks Lori for the note, i am not sure i every really did grieve, i think i spent more time trying to b the tough guy, the dependable guy, like the comic book hero, who keeps on going, doing his best even in the face of death, y dad died when i was 14, comics were a past time, i read a lot, and most of those bookss had this kind of theme, it seemed to be the prevelant matrial for a 14 year old boy to read. the survivor, the one who continues the one who does et anyone down even in the face of great sacrifice, it always seemed like the hero always had to sacrifice for the greater good. I feel that and think i do that almost on a daily basis, i think or interprete what is the greater good, and then end up sacrificing someting, time, money, personal space, comfort whatever, it allseems to just pile up....someone has to do the jobs no one else wants to do to make sure everyone ends up ok....sometime i want people to do that for me...i feel like i am being unselfish and see most others as simply self serving, very little give, even in my on relationships. i feel taken advantage of, joe will do it, i dont /cant/should nt have to.

its a load on my shoulders and on my legs....that where i hurt, my back and the back of my legs, i cant sit. or wont sit still for things i interpret as going wrong, i have to please someone, fill that hole my dad left, i never really got to show him i can do 'things' that i grew up into a good man. i miss him and want to know he is proud of me, i want him to see his grand child, he would have loved her. i know my pain comes in part from this, i havnt greived and quite truely dont now really how, i just seem to continue, its the same in my jobs i can move on and feel no regret or loss...stuck in being stoic, mature, correct or right.....i need to stop swallowing and hlding this in....and i think this prograam is helping me do this.

 

day 8 post, i read the posting and found as she said th readngs to literally leap off f the page, i see all of my pains in the writing, the way it moves, pops up goes away and resurfaces, or lingers in particular arreas until i figure out what is bothering me, or move away from the problem...that fixes it as well, if you move its gone, you dont have to deal with it anymore. i think i am in that spot again, only i do onot know what i need to move away from to get better, hence my need to walk through this program and earn that i dont have to walk away, i need to learn to let go, aknowldege, recognise, release these trapped and repressed, jammed in feeling emotions that ar givng me pain. I can almost identify them by name..this ones money, thats ones pressure from work, this one is missing my dad, thaat one is swlowing your pride, that one is trying to hard to stand alone, and the last is feeling unsupported. i look forward to the journalling and seeing where it takes me

 

Hi Joe,

I am impressed by what you have accomplished in a very short time. This is a LOT to process, so be sure to step back every once in a while, as YB suggested, and breathe, and give yourself a lot of credit for being willing to bring these feelings out in the open. Her suggestion to write an "unsent letter" to your wife is a really good one.

When you talk about how you really feel about having to take care of your wife and give up your own plans and your activities and your money and your health, I don't feel like you're complaining. You're taking an emotional risk by expressing your true feelings, and in the end this is going to be healthier than continuing to repress them. You do NOT need to feel guilty for having these feelings - they are totally natural! Good grief, nobody signs up for this - it was not what you had in mind for your life, was it? It's totally unfair, and you have the right to say so - probably not to your wife - but you can say it here in this forum - that's what we're here for.

You might be interested in this video by Dr. Gabor Mate which I just watched last week. It is 50 minutes long, so allow yourself some time.
http://tmswiki.org/forum/media/dr-gabor-maté-how-stress-can-cause-disease.39/
Dr. Mate wrote a book called "When The Body Says No" which many of us here have been enjoying, but this video is a great introduction, and guess who he's talking about: caretakers! It sounds like you are a caretaker - Dr. Gabor describes people who have been thrust into the caretaker role, and who are unable to say No to the sudden demands on their lives, until they are sucked dry, and they sacrifice their own health as a result. Dr Sarno calls all TMSers goodists, but people who end up in the caretaker role are at a special level of goodism. If nothing else, Joe, hearing what Dr. Mate says will assure you that you are not alone, and perhaps it will give you more confidence that you can change how your body reacts to this stress. You're well on your way, I think.

And you're also not alone when you're here on the forum - so keep us posted as to how you're doing.

Jan

 

thanks for this note, i will take some time and watch this, i have heard of the caretakr syndrome before but did not thin to apply it to my self, i think i may have started it after my dad died, and my mom tried leaving once because my brothers and i were fighting, it was too much for her, i stood in front of her car and wouldnt let her leave, i promised then it would be better...been doing it ever sinc in one form or another....i will watch with interest. i am not a talker, nor much of a writer, but this does help, i have never had a way to put out those emotions that were/are hurting me, i do the written journal...in terrible handwriting but that helps as well. it 'gets' it out of you. its different to say/write things without a filter of some sort in place. i always look to who i am speaking to to judge what to do next, i am very analytical that way. i have filters for most situations, and use them to fit in and cope with what ever social situation is going. caretaker...a new lable to look at, and possiby modify or change to get rid of my pain
thanks
j

 

This idea of filters is interesting. What sort of situations require these filters? Are there any situations where you find you can do without them apart from when you are journalling? How do you feel without them?