Cyclical Nature of TMS: Back pain, insomnia and SIBO/IBS

[nora97]

Hi all - I've been a lurker on this Wiki for a few years now, but have finally decided to create an account and share my story.

My name is Nora and I am 27 years old. When I was 20 years old, I was hit by a car as a pedestrian while studying at Cornell University. While the accident certainly could have been worse, I developed back pain that became a focal point in my life for years after the accident. I resolved myself into thinking that I would just have to live with this forever. The year after, when I began working my first full-time job in New York City, I noticed a different physical ailment was becoming a focal point in my life - perpetual bloating and distention of my stomach. Naturally, I fell down the rabbit hole of spending too much money on GI doctors, antibiotics and more to no avail. My bloating lasted about a year before I simply gave up and once again resolved that I might have to live with this for the rest of my life. I ended up switching jobs from a very stressful finance job to a less stressful job in biotech. Coincidentally, my bloating began to become less important and less noticeable. That was my first sign that stress might have caused my bloating, but I did not make the link to my back pain, and continued to receive steroid injections in my back and see a chiropractor, physical therapist and acupuncturist weekly.

It wasn't until I began graduate school when a third ailment began to take over my attention that I realized there might be a pattern. I began to have a sudden bout of chronic insomnia and intense anxiety over sleep. Although I entertained the idea that stress may be contributing, I could not understand what I was stressed about. I was in a great relationship with my now fiance, I was studying at Harvard in a prestigious graduate program, and I generally felt good in my life. Yet, the insomnia caused me to once again obsess over my symptoms, watch every YouTube video out there, and put my faith into this medicine or the next. I felt so desperate for a cure, that for the first time I wanted to invest in understanding these patterns of behavior and recurrent thoughts in my mind. I began meditating consistently, and this time it really stuck (shoutout to Sam Harris's Waking Up app). Fortuitously, a few weeks later while walking around campus I saw a flier for a back pain clinical trial for chronic sufferers. I decided there was nothing I could really lose, and it turned out the clinical trial was a mindfulness based stress reduction program for back pain, inspired by Dr. Sarno. I completed the multi-week course and at the time did not feel that this was revolutionary or very inspiring. But when looking back, I did not notice that I stopped identifying as someone with back pain. Without realizing it, I had re-wired my brain to think psychological, not physical. This change was gradual and I almost forgot that I had any back pain. ~4 years later, and I am still pain free. I applied the same concepts to my insomnia and feel that I "cured" it simply by accepting outcome independence - whether I slept that night or not was not an issue. I would be ok. Now, I get a sound 8 hours almost every night, and do not identify as an insomniac.

I completely believe and endorse the mind body connection and feel that it is a shame that our society does not take it so seriously. With that being said, I am currently struggling with a sudden bout of bloating again. Rather than think psychological, I became fixated on herbal supplements, saw a GI doctor once again, and began keeping a food diary. It wasn't until this week that I remembered my history with back pain and insomnia and began to understand that my gut issues, while "diagnosed" with small intestinal bacterial overgrowth (SIBO), are purely psychosomatic. On one hand, I am amused that my psychosomatic manifestations take on various forms to try and trick me. But on the other hand, I feel quite defeated. Am I going to have a different form of TMS every other year of my life? How do I fully accept my bloating and have outcome independence when I am getting married in November and don't want to look 9 months pregnant in my wedding dress? In a way, I "forgot" what exactly the treatment plan with mind body syndrome really is. From what I recall, the majority of the work is simply the acceptance that stress causes these physical ailments. But once again, I am at a loss for what I am stressed about - what do you do when you don't feel stressed? I'm in therapy, I am journaling, and I'm actually just finishing a yoga teacher training program to be a part-time yoga teacher - mindfulness is embedded into my life, but I still feel afraid of my symptoms. I feel that I can't accept them with open arms and am at the same time dejected that if I solve this issue, another will arise. I feel that my unconscious brain has become so sophisticated that my thoughts are full of paradox: "If I accept my bloating is TMS, when will it go away? I've accepted it!" and "should I continue my herbal supplements just in case? Won't taking supplements allow for a placebo effect which could also help?"

I am sharing this story with you in hopes of receiving some words of encouragement or tips with the cyclical natural of TMS. I really appreciate all the resources available here and the community at large.

Thank you,
Nora

 

[Cactusflower]

Hi Nora:
What an amazing and insightful journey you have been on.
It is VERY common for people with TMS not to feel stressed, because we often assume all stress is simply external. TMS folks often have similar personality traits which can create internal stress - basically how we think about ourselves, and how our emotions play out. This was very much Dr. Sarno's thinking. He named a book "The Divided Mind" and I like to think that his was his own play on words and concepts he created.
You have created a persona - you actually state you have been aware of this persona change - from a person with back pain to a person without pain. You also changed your identity from a financial person to a person in biotech. So you have some idea of how the identity you create might not be the identity your subconcious identifies as. You might think you are stress free. Your subconscious might think you are stressed out (but you don't know it because you are unaware of what's going on down there). Dr. Sarno felt this dicotomy of personas was part of what creates ANGER and RAGE. The weird thing is, that a lot of us have found that what we are most rageful about is what we conciously think we aren't rageful or fearful (or guilty or shamed) about. You have a LOT going on in life that might create stress: a wedding, becoming a wife, heck, even "HAVING" to accept that your ailments are psychosomatic in nature can be rageful if your subconscious thinks that isn't a safe thing to have to deal with. Our minds will totally hide the things that really hurt us the most emotionally, and the brain is just going to try and keep on protecting us from these hurts.
I found that I would journal only about things my mind was willing to reveal. I found these journal prompts super helpful! If you haven't heard of Dani Fagan yet, you might resonate with her, because she uses yoga as the tool to calm the nervous system and do the TMS work that Dr. Sarno outlined. Her focus is on our self-perceptions mixed with finding security and safety in movement. Journal Prompts: https://mytmsjourney.com/resources/journal-prompts-ideas-for-emotional-release/ (Journal prompts & ideas for emotional release)

Are the herbal supplements helping you at all? Journal about it! Go into the emotions of how frustrating this is, and how you feel about dealing with bloating during the wedding.
Perhaps you need to do some journaling around your appearance, and self-judgement and the fear of other's critical judgements of you and how that makes you feel.

Will you always have TMS? You will most likely have some symptoms that are psychosomatic as stress slowly creeps back up on you. You might be feeling "the bucket effect" - small little stressors that build, unrecognizably until your bucket is full. Several people have described this to me. Your job for life is to simply keep a little hole in the bottom of that bucket so that your stress dribbles out enough to keep your nervous system functioning the way it was intended. So you simply keep doing the TMS work eg. meditation, journaling etc. a couple of times a week and be mindful of how your personality traits (Dr. Sarno's books outline these) feed thought habits.

Lastly, I bet you feel stress that there is a timeline you'd like to deal with these symptoms by. That is a HEAP LOAD of self-pressure and it's not having kindness or compassion for yourself. Be curious, be kind to yourself and have some compassion for yourself that you won't always have all the answers and sometimes stuff sneaks back in, and know that you have the skills (and can develop new skills) to deal with it.

 

[nora97]

Hi @Cactusflower - thank you so much for your detailed response, it really means a lot that someone would be willing to spend their time listening to my story and sharing insights.

Although during my back pain recovery journey I gorged all the Sarno info I could, I don't actually recall reading The Divided Mind, so I just reserved it at my public library - thank you!

even "HAVING" to accept that your ailments are psychosomatic in nature can be rageful if your subconscious thinks that isn't a safe thing to have to deal with

^I think this is really hitting home for me. While the realization that my back pain, insomnia and now bloating are all linked can be empowering, it also elucidates a "woe is me" feeling. Why am I the only one of my peers (outside of this TMS Wiki) that is going through this? Why do I have the personality type that internalizes rage and anger and spits out a new psychosomatic disorder every 2 years? How ironic that I am the "meditator", the "yogi", and the "spiritual" one of my friend circle. I've spent some time recently in therapy trying to talk through this and encourage self-compassion, but I certainly have a divided mind here...on one hand I feel sorry for myself, for all of these struggles that I've faced. But on the other, I blame myself for creating them in the first place. Which does create a lot of the stress internally, the same stress I thought I didn't have a few hours ago in my post.

The herbal supplement question is a good one. Again, divided mind here. One part of me says I should toss out the supplements because they're only fueling my TMS brain and making me think there is something structurally wrong with my digestion. Another part says, well, why not give it a try and then start the TMS journey, since herbal supplements are the only "credible" thing I haven't yet tried.

And finally, you're absolutely right about the time pressure. I'm like, I've accepted the TMS, but I still have the bloating...I'm expecting a quick fix. I know that. And I also know that I have historical evidence where my back pain and insomnia healed with complete outcome independence, complete acceptance, and complete realization that I will really be ok, even with these symptoms. Giving up, in a way, has helped me the most. Helped me relax my grip. And what are GI issues if not grippiness in the stomach?

 

[Cactusflower]

The “woe is me” is a common TMS brain trap. Self-victimization. Powerlessness.
This is just your brain thinking that curling into a ball is keeping you safe. But you have already proven you know how to take back your power. Another great journaling topic could be asking yourself where in life have you felt powerless, and who taught you to need this coping skill? I wrote “unsent letters” to everyone who kept me feeling small as a journaling technique. It was a great way to climb out of self- victimization. You must shed this false self image to move forward.
The why you, is because you learned habits that helped you cope as a child. They no longer serve you and now you have the opportunity to learn a new way. Why not others?
Do you know everyone else’s secrets? How many people might you know who struggled with addictions, depression, mental health, over or under eating… all of these are simply coping mechanisms not much different from TMS. You have the awesome advantage of your awareness.

 

[Ellen]

Am I going to have a different form of TMS every other year of my life?

Welcome to the Forum, Nora!

@Cactusflower has provided such good responses to you, that I'll limit my response to your question above.

Unfortunately, the answer to your question in my case has been "yes". My brain has been very creative in coming up with new forms of TMS to give me, that I'm often fooled for awhile that this new symptom is a real medical problem this time. I've had to train myself over the years to sit myself down and inquire if this new symptom is, in fact, TMS. I even wrote a note to myself that I placed on my mirror that said "It's mostly likely TMS", as silly as that sounds.

But the good news is that now, once I finally accept that what I'm experiencing is in fact TMS, I'm able to recover from it pretty quickly. It's usually gone within hours or at least by the next day. But it can drag on for a long time before I get to that acceptance. TMS is a powerful defense mechanism for those of us with TMS personality traits.

One more thing I'll add--TMS often hits us where it can best get our attention and therefore distract us from our real issue. This Forum is full of musicians with hand problems, singers with voice problems, athletes with joint problems, etc. So when you mention that you have a wedding coming up, and you're worried about how your TMS bloating symptom will make you look in your wedding dress........well, there you go.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I even wrote a note to myself that I placed on my mirror that said "It's mostly likely TMS", as silly as that sounds.

the good news is that now, once I finally accept that what I'm experiencing is in fact TMS, I'm able to recover from it pretty quickly. It's usually gone within hours or at least by the next day.

This is also my experience. I've even got RA flares, with full-on swelling and redness, down to well under 24 hours. My unshakeable belief is that tomorrow is an opportunity to feel fine, regardless of how I felt today.

I do find that a significant setback usually requires some mindful introspection and examination in order to get these quick results (usually by writing unless the hand pain is too disabling, which has happened) . Minor symptoms only require that core reminder "it's probably TMS".

As @Ellen indicates, this gets easier and quicker with practice! Plus, you're on board a lot earlier in life than many of us who suffered from decades of TMS without the knowledge or the tools. So there's something to celebrate as you enter this new chapter in your life!

 

[nora97]

How many people might you know who struggled with addictions, depression, mental health, over or under eating

@Cactusflower This is so very true! Upon reflecting, you're completely right - there are TMS symptoms all around me without me having noticed it. My TMS brain likes to think I'm unique, in a bad way. Like I'm the only one that could ever have these recurrent symptoms, and there must be something inherently wrong with me. When in reality, many people who do not think of themselves as having TMS are struggling with acne post-stress, digestive issues when they go through a bad breakup, etc. It really is everywhere. I actually feel that self-compassion is leaning into the ubiquitous nature of struggle in general. It is the human condition to struggle - the book "Scarcity Brain" by Michael Easter was really helpful for me on a cognitive level of understanding why humans are evolutionary adapted to want to consume more food, more information, more "stuff", etc. Realizing that we are all living in this same space, this same consciousness that gives rise to dissatisfaction and discomfort is where self-compassion comes to play for me.

Perhaps this seems like I'm back tracking, but it does make me curious why the personality traits of Type A, hypervigilant people like myself exist in the first place. I realize evolution doesn't happen in hundred year increments and needs much longer than that, but it does make me curious how other people (my partner, for instance) are only struck by the first arrow (in the Buddhist view, there are two arrows: struggle is one arrow, and how we react to the struggle is the second arrow). I seem to be perpetually struck by the first arrow, and then get caught in a spiral with the second. Regardless, as an update to my first post, I am feeling a lot more powerful today. A lot more in control - journaling, meditating, yoga, and even just talking about this in a normal way to my peers has been helpful. I used to feel like explaining TMS needed to be prefaced by "I know this sounds very woo-woo, but I cured my back pain with mindfulness...". Now, (and perhaps with the help of confidence & refining the story to reflect its scientific nature), I feel more at ease with sharing in this shared condition of resistance and struggle to chronic stress. And maybe it's a little bit of "fake it till you make it", but telling my friends I've been struggling with subconscious stress and anxiety versus bloating has already helped reframe the root of the problem.

One more thing I'll add--TMS often hits us where it can best get our attention and therefore distract us from our real issue. This Forum is full of musicians with hand problems, singers with voice problems, athletes with joint problems, etc. So when you mention that you have a wedding coming up, and you're worried about how your TMS bloating symptom will make you look in your wedding dress........well, there you go.

@Ellen this here is really key for me. It's unfortunately very vain of me to say, but the truth is my physical appearance has always been crucially important to me. Growing up in a family of sisters who all enjoy glitz and glam, makeup and more has caused me to associate thinness and clear skin to beauty. I know it's a society problem, too, but I do feel a lot of shame in being so vain. I've challenged myself to feel beautiful even if I gain a few pounds, or am bloated, or have acne. I have a supportive fiance who is consistently affirming my beauty inside and out, but it seems the quality of my day is only really determined by how I feel about my inside and out. It's something I'd like to work on, as I'm only getting older.

this gets easier and quicker with practice!

@JanAtheCPA thanks for chiming in here. I don't often have moments of optimism, but recently I've been amused with my mind and often repeat "this is the practice". I do hope it gets easier

 

[Cactusflower]

"why the personality traits of Type A, hypervigilant people like myself exist in the first place" - pretty sure that's why Dr. Sarno has us examine our stressors of three columns: Past, present and personality - Gabor Mate thinks that we are conditioned to personality traits by our experiences as young as at least infancy although lately he's been thinking that it goes on much before that - partly generation and partly gestational.
I had an extremely anxious older mother. She had multiple miscarriages, is slightly narcissistic and I already had an older sister. I think she was kinda terrified that a 2nd successful full-term baby might not be in the cards.
You develop this stuff to try and have as much happiness as possible as a kid - be loved, and sometimes you have to earn the love instead of it just being given freely without judgement. Being a parent is a tough job. Our inner 2 year old is probably raging madly about how unfair that kind of crap is. It's just the human condition but that's just a fraction of what some of us who were raised decently dealt with. Some kids dealt with a huge heavy load on top of this.
Some people swear you can't change your personality. If we truly simply learned these "personality" types, we can probably unlearn at least some of the parts that no longer serve us.
There is a TMS coach in Australia who teaches clients to use these personality types to actually offload stress. Perfectionists might well become master organizers as a side line hustle...even as a home past time. That puts a delightful spin on personalities!

 

[nora97]

I thought I would hold myself accountable and provide an update on some of my work & outcomes:

My GI issues have certainly increased, it feels like my stomach has been extremely distended for a few days. Today, I had a yoga class booked and really wanted to cancel it. I felt so uncomfortable, as if I had binged on a whole lot of food (when I didn't, I just a standard size dinner and some dark chocolate after ). But I decided to not let my discomfort (physical and emotional - I was feeling pretty insecure about doing yoga with a big ol' distended belly) get in my way as I know that's a tenant of TMS recovery. So I went, and I feel proud of myself for that small baby step.

Today I also journaled more about anger - I'm having a hard time journaling past ~5-10 minutes, my hand cramps too bad! Since this is my second or technically third go around with TMS, I haven't been following the SEP directly (I previously completed it when I was healing my back pain in my TMS clinical trial), but I have been leveraging the journal prompts and need to hold myself accountable to actually asking deep, pointed questions and not just journaling whatever is on my mind and ending with what I am grateful for. I started journaling on potential fears regarding my wedding in November and my fixation on external beauty, but if I'm being honest I don't feel like I've reached a "flow state" in journaling where my words are coming from the depths of my subconscious.

I do think I'm starting to recognize that a whole lot of things cause me to fill up with anger. Even earlier today on a shuttle to work, I was trying to meditate, and someone was quite rudely talking loudly on their phone for the entire 30 minute ride. I couldn't focus on my meditation, even with noise-cancelling headphones I spent the entire ride filled with rage. Part of me is quite confrontational and thought I should ask if they could please hold their phone call until after the shuttle ride, and part of me reprimanded myself (why can't I just be zen and accept what is?) But I physically felt the tension rising in my body. I felt my stomach clenching and this sheer inability to relax into my body. It got me thinking: I know that the emotional work (meditation, journaling, acceptance) is key for TMS recovery, but I also feel like I want to explore some therapies that really, really help your body release. Perhaps incorporating more restorative yoga or considering some type of dance therapy (which I've never done, and for whatever reason feel self-conscious exploring!) But I feel like the inability to relax my shoulders, neck, jaw, space between my eyebrows, and ultimately the muscles in my belly is something to explore.

 

[Ellen]

I do think I'm starting to recognize that a whole lot of things cause me to fill up with anger.

Bingo! fill up with anger = bloating?

(why can't I just be zen and accept what is?) .

This type of internal conflict feeds TMS. I feel anger but I should feel zen. You are creating TMS to distract you from your angry self, which you can't accept.

Today I also journaled more about anger - I'm having a hard time journaling past ~5-10 minutes, my hand cramps too bad!

Your body (hand) is preventing you from exploring your anger. This is TMS.

I know that the emotional work (meditation, journaling, acceptance) is key for TMS recovery, but I also feel like I want to explore some therapies that really, really help your body release. .

The body therapies may give you momentary relief, but they do not provide the psychological insight that is core to recovery from TMS. Part of you is wanting to avoid the psychological work.

You're doing great work, Nora. Keep going. You've recovered from TMS before and you can do it again.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

[Ellen, paraphrasing @nora97 ] I feel anger but I should feel zen.

Should always represents self-pressure.

Here's a little reminder from my "coach" *:
Pressure leads to Judgement, Judgement leads to unconscious Repression, and as we all know, Repression leads to Symptoms.


(* she's actually a fully licensed LCSW in California, but I don't live in California so I'm not allowed to use the T word ).

 

[Diana-M]

Hi Nora! Welcome out of the shadows as a lurker. It’s awesome in here!

I’m somewhat new to the forum, too, but not new to TMS. I’ve pretty much had it my whole life, with symptoms showing up and subsiding every so many years. Like you.

What struck me about it your story is how you managed to ignore symptoms and they would go away. I did that too! Until this recent bout I’m having. (You can read about it on my profile if you’re curious.) And, like you, for the first time, I have a time limit for healing. My time limit isn’t an event (like your wedding, congratulations by the way!). Mine is that my husband’s heart is breaking from me being sick. He can’t cope with it and it’s killing me. I just want to hurry up and get better! Desperately

I know this deadline (of yesterday) is terrible for healing TMS. Almost a given for failure.

Here’s an idea I had for us: Once I had severe anxiety with panic attacks for a year or so. Meditation helped to heal it. Daily meditation- and lots of it. (I didn’t want meds). I didn’t know about Sarno at the time. After my anxiety went away, it would sometimes try to creep back. And I’d be somewhere in public, afraid I’d have a full blown panic attack. Finally, I just said to it, “Go ahead. Just go ahead. I won’t die from a panic attack. You won’t kill me. So panic away. Do it right now!” And voila—it went away. I still need that now and then. And it goes away every time.

I know it would be Really hard to do. But, I wonder if you could somehow get to a point where you just don’t care what your stomach does for the wedding. Be prepared to be happy no matter what. Maybe it will go away. Since you have always succeeded when you ignore the symptoms. Just a thought!

 

[nora97]

Bingo! fill up with anger = bloating?

^this is so funny, I didn't even catch this pun until you called it out.

You're both right - I spent this morning doing some more journaling, pushed back any hand cramping, and also re-read Alan's pain reprocessing program (the first few days). It was a really helpful reminder that fear is an underlying part of uncomfortable sensations with TMS. So far, I've been focused a lot on anger and rage, for past traumas and current annoyances. Angry at the world, society, etc. But I haven't really asked myself what am I so afraid of? What really would happen if I had the symptoms forever, and had to live with bloating on my wedding day and beyond? I have some initial thoughts, but am excited for my evening journaling session to try an unpack that.

@Diana-M - thank you for your warm welcome! And I'm so sorry that you're feeling pressure from your husband. I subtly feel it too: it feels like we can only complain/vocalize about this so much before the people around us are expecting us to "move on" already. But I think the good news is that everywhere on this forum, there is advice to not get obsessed with your symptoms, their progression or even recovery. To not make an identity around your TMS or your TMS recovery. I find that really helpful. I totally relate though, and I think what you described about the panic attack comes from true apathy and a sort of "giving up" the struggle. Sometimes though, it does feel like I say that I give up ("oh here is the bloating again! I don't care!") but in the back of my mind I know that it is inauthentic and that I secretly really want it to go away.

With the pain I experienced, that was a 4+ year struggle that when I was introduced to TMS, I actually was willing to accept it because I had nothing to lose and had already accepted that I could live with this pain for the rest of my life. With the insomnia, I struggled for about a year, of chronic sleeplessness that I actually had weeks of evidence that I truly performed fine the next day, even on a night of 0-2 hours of sleep. I don't want to say that we need to struggle for an extended period of time...but it does make me think that my issue with current GI symptoms have been somewhat short-lived, that I am still secretly wishing them away, even if my conscious brain is telling me I can live with them forever. So for me, that's my challenge. Addressing the fear behind the symptoms, addressing my fixation on external validation and physical appearance, and then eventually accepting the sensations/reactions are psychological without the secret mission to cure it. You're right, in my story, most of my symptoms went away when I got busy with other things. But that makes total sense with TMS - they say things get worse before they get better, and so far I am definitely experiencing that. Since I joined this forum and began my TMS work again, I have had a very subtle heart palpitation/signs of anxiety that I've experienced before. I'm doing my best to somatically track them and lean into the sensations and not be afraid of them, but it actually feels like a good sign. I'm getting somewhere, because if my symptoms were NOT TMS-based, then why would I have any sort of anxiety reaction by exploring some repressed feelings?

 

[Diana-M]

I lurked before I dove in here too! so glad I did.

!

Addressing the fear behind the symptoms, addressing my fixation on external validation and physical appearance

This is key! And a deep place to explore. I’m ashamed I’m using a walker right now. And some of my gurus in here keep trying to persuade me to love myself as is. What a concept! Working on that.

why would I have any sort of anxiety reaction by exploring some repressed feelings?

It’s a great sign that you are getting your little TMS brain’s attention! Now the battle begins. But you can win!

 

[JanAtheCPA]

@nora97, it would seem that the very latest podcast episode from Nicole Sachs was made for you: one of the significant symptoms discussed by her guest is bloating and a visibly distended stomach. Season 3, Ep 96 (6.21.24).

I also highly recommend the prior week Ep 92 (6.14.24) (her episode numbers are out of order with air dates right now).

 

[nora97]

@JanAtheCPA thank you so much for thinking of me and sending me this recommendation - I had never heard of Nicole Sachs before but I am halfway through the episode and already am pretty moved by some of the similarities between me and Sean. A few reflections:

• It really resonated with me that feeling like an outlier in your family, even if you are loved, can be an early TMS-trigger activating the fight or flight response. This is something I easily relate to. I always felt like the black sheep in my family of gregarious, loud individuals. I frequently escaped to my room for some peace and quiet while they all spent quality family time in the living room. But this feeling was never something I even considered could be negatively impactful, since it is not capital T "Trauma" and I know that my family loves me and treats me well. It felt really validating to hear this and I am adding it to my journaling topic list!
• Interestingly, I am having a very similar symptom to Sean today. As a recap from my last post, my TMS work is going really well. I am half way through Alan's "The Way Out" book, which even though the concepts are very similar to the previous TMS books I've read, it is helpful to have it reinforced in a scientific way which helps with the internal belief. While doing my best to ignore my symptoms, I couldn't help but feel pleased this morning when my bloating felt reduced. I had breakfast without any major issues (I am aware that attaching to the symptoms improving is not the best idea and feeds TMS - I am working on it!) However, this morning I very coincidentally also woke up with lower tailbone pain as I walked, similar to what Sean described. My first thought was "is this TMS?" which I am actually very proud of! Sneaky shapeshifting of the bloating turning into hip pain. With that being said, and again similar to Sean, I did complete ~4 hours of yoga today and yesterday, and do believe it could also be overstretching from yoga. If it is not TMS, I certainly don't want to exacerbate an overstretched muscle. So, I am giving myself a time limit. By Thursday, if my hip pain has not gone away (which I would imagine is a normal timeframe for a muscle strain to begin to dissipate), then I am convinced it is TMS. The timing coincidence is really too blatant for me to ignore, but also I am in a rigorous yoga teacher training program and it is very credible for me to stretch a muscle. I'd welcome any advice on this - I feel 100% willing to accept it is TMS, but also don't want to make an innocent overstretch worse by ignoring what my body is telling me.
• Sean also mentioned during his hip pain insurgence that he felt like a liar because he was hiding his sexuality from those around him, and that weighed on him subconsciously. My earliest memories of TMS, which I didn't even think of in my original TMS journey post, was an intense bout of adult acne in college, after I shoplifted a few times very shamefully (ugh, the woes of wanting more makeup while living in a sorority house...) I certainly believe that what I did was wrong, shameful and embarrassing. I eventually felt so guilty that I donated the equivalent dollar value of the goods I took to charity, but nothing could relieve my guilt and shame. I began to have heart palpitations and intense anxiety and fear that I was a horrible person at my core. That I had a shaky moral compass and was carrying this big secret around. Unsurprisingly, a few weeks after that I developed adult acne that got me down my first rabbit hole of searching for medicine for hours on reddit, watching endless YouTube videos and trying to cure my first TMS battle physically. I didn't even realize that the shame I was carrying and the catastrophizing came before the acne until just now...I just discovered that my year-long struggle with acne was in fact TMS, which adds to my list of evidence!
• I'm also noticing a change in my relationship to distraction. I've had a bad habit of getting a seemingly random thought or urge to tunnel-vision my attention into shopping for a particular item (that I may or may not need). In our society of overt advertisements and marketing, it's unsurprising. However, I am starting to realize that these seductive thought patterns and OCD-like behaviors of getting my phone out and then scrolling for that item might be distractions for a reason. I had previously assumed these were just random thoughts, but through this TMS work I see them as distractions, keeping my brain busy from the struggle that can be daily life and stressors.

Outside of the podcast episode, I've really been enjoying the work so far over the last few days. Reading Alan's book, journaling, and attempting to somatically track my belly muscles (even though there is no pain there) has been kind of...fun. I know there is still a lot of work to do, and that there will be ups and downs. But it is fascinating that I have considered myself someone who does not shy away from emotional work & healing and still uncover new anxieties and fears through journaling and self-awareness.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Absolutely AWESOME post @nora97! I'm bookmarking it and hope to recommend it to others.

This is something that many people need to hear:

it is fascinating that I have considered myself someone who does not shy away from emotional work & healing and still uncover new anxieties and fears through journaling and self-awareness.

And, finally, isn't Nicole amazing? I also really recommend the episode from the prior week, which is one of her recorded Q&A sessions with her membership group. There is something and someone for everybody on that episode. I will also let you know that the June 7th episode was an interview with me! True! Nicole and I concentrated on my RA story, and aging, among other things that are not particularly relevant to your story, but you can listen to it someday, in your spare time, LOL

 

[nora97]

@JanAtheCPA - thank you for your reply! I haven't listened to your episode with Nicole yet but I will 100% - so exciting to hear a story verbally! And aging is certainly relevant for me and everyone else alive

As an update (mostly just forces me to write this down and sort out my thoughts):

I finished Alan's book yesterday. My biggest takeaway was that it gave me a pretty scientific / easy-to-explain way to discuss TMS with those around me through the use of "neuroplastic pain". Not a whole lot of new insight, but always good to have redundant messages when you're beginning a TMS journey. In terms of my symptoms, I am 100% convinced it is TMS which is great. I've probably said that before, but each time I say it now it feels more authentic. Even when describing it to people, the story has changed from "...and now I have severe bloating, which is probably caused by some background stress..." to "my bloating is my body's way of trying to protect me". I didn't realize learning about my body's defense mechanisms could inspire such self-compassion, which is something I have always struggled with.

I've become much more aware of my unconscious clenching of my stomach and jaw, but doing my best to remain unaware of my symptoms. Trying not to body-check in the mirror and see how "my bloating" is doing today. I don't even want to own the bloating, perhaps I should start calling it something else, like "my stress gauge". In regards to my upcoming wedding, which has been called out my numerous members in my original post, I am making strides in tackling the stress head-on. Some of the ways I am doing that are purely tactical: I purchased shapewear for my wedding, to tell my brain that even if I am horrendously bloated, nothing a little shapewear + sucking in won't fix

My yoga training is officially complete, so I will have more time in my schedule which I am hoping will also contribute to de-stressing (I was pretty back-to-back from work and yoga training for the last 3 months...) Oh and that pain I mentioned a few days ago? Gone. I've definitely captured the attention of my TMS brain, because I still feel a light throbbing at my chest (which I've experienced in times of high anxiety before) every now and then. But to me this is positive, it's telling me the stress is landing in a "normal" place (cortisol pumped by the heart) rather than taking on a seemingly random physical manifestation that makes me have tunnel vision. I'm also trying to be more intentional with my breath and lengthen it. I'm almost finished with my herbal supplements that I started before I decided this was TMS (which I still feel a little conflicted about, but ultimately just didn't want to throw the $ down the drain...I'm sure that excuse is coming from my TMS brain, but my conscious brain wants me to exhaust all options so that there will be no doubt in my mind in the future). Overall, I'd say things are going really well. I hope anyone who has SIBO/IBS or other digestive issues can see this post in the future and know that these are TMS, even if they are less common than pain (or less commonly known as TMS than pain).

 

[nora97]

@JanAtheCPA - I finally listened to both your episode and the live community recording from Nicole Sachs's podcast, thank you so much for the recommendation. It was a pleasure to learn your story and hear your voice. A few takeaways for me from both episodes:

• It was very helpful to learn that you can tackle TMS even with medication (albeit a modest dose, which may only be placebo). Sometimes I see these aggressive recommendations to cut everything off "cold turkey" to stop fueling your TMS brain. While I can understand this perspective, I sometimes think, for me, that I need a low-dose of medication or therapy to help convince my brain that I am safe. For example, I just finished my round of herbal antibiotics for my TMS GI symptoms, and I definitely have not ascribed any meaningful value to the herbs. But, it has removed any doubt I had on whether I have exhausted all treatment options, just in case my symptoms were in any way structural. Now, I am feeling very confident that I will not cling on to any future therapy promising relief
• It was heartening to hear so many similar, but unique, stories about pain and suffering. So many of the folks who shared their vulnerability were clearly suffering and allowing the public to see that suffering and relate to it. I noticed patterns of perfectionism, single parenting, etc that really cemented for me how shared the experience of TMS really is
• I enjoyed the imagination of the "inner child" as a real, actual child in the example of the woman who was nauseous when in the car (which is something I also experience, often, and never really thought it could be TMS until now...). Feeling safe does not equal staying home 24/7 and not doing any of the things you may need to do - it is simply a mindset that what you are experiencing or feeling is safe
• I appreciated Nicole's careful nuance when answering all of the questions - I was impressed by her compassion but also clear explanation of what is going on in our nervous system, and how some people are just born more privy to anxiety, and that we can view this as a protective mechanism. Made me feel less "why me?!"

As a general update on my TMS symptoms and the work: unsurprising to everyone on this forum....I actually did have very serious fears and concerns about my upcoming marriage. I don't want to go too much into detail, and I am very happy and excited to be wed to my partner, but the fear of commitment really was something for me to unpack and I truly did not know it until this past week. I've had a lot of discussions with both my partner and professionals and feel much more safe and resolved. With that being said, I can completely understand my TMS symptoms of bloating and have been noticing inconsistencies with certain foods causing or not causing reactions, which further helps my case. In terms of my symptoms, they are not disappearing overnight, but I also care less about them. I can always suck my stomach in

Thank you to those who have commented and supported, this is such a fantastic community and my irregular updates are helpful for me to stay accountable.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Awesome update, @nora97! I can't even pick out my favorite parts because it's all so good!

Isn't listening to Nicole like receiving individual therapy? I get something out of every episode.

Keep up the great work, my dear!