Day 20 Cried for the first time in a year

[Ivanka]

Yesterday in my weekly therapy session I cried for the first time in almost a year since I started therapy. Not rivers of tears, just a little bit, but I am very happy about that.

My feelings are burried deep inside, I have a lot of trouble finding them. I ask myself constantly what am I feeling, but often there is nothing at all.
When I am aware of my feelings (good or bad), they are often overwhelming and they scare me.

I have been training to become a robot (not to show/feel emotions) from early childhood and when I was 19, I had a traumatic experience, after which I conciously started to supress any kind of emotion. So no wonder I ended up with chronic pain and anxiety and often depression.

BTW pain and anxiety levels are pretty bad for the last couple of days, but I'm sticking with the program and still firmly believe in my TMS diagnosis.

 

[jokeysmurf]

Hi Ivanka. I went through this years ago. When I would search for feelings there were none, I was numb. This meant I was in a state of freeze. When the emotions did come, they would scare me because of the intensity and overwhelm. This is a sign that you are coming out of the freeze state and into fight or flight, which means your anxiety will shoot up before it goes down. There are lots of resources for trauma that don't include talk therapy. Look into Somatic Experiencing, for me it was such a huge relief not to keep talking about the trauma but instead learn how to deal with the sensations instead.

Lastly, don't let the sensations scare you. I know they feel intense and scary but remember they are just sensations. If we get scared our body will just retreat back into our initial state of freeze until another time.

Happy healing.

 

[Ivanka]

Dear Jokeysmurf,

thank you so much for your reply & support! It means a lot to me

I have never heard of Somatic Experiencing, will definitely look into it.