Day 20 Crashed and Burned

[Stella]

I have been doing so well the last few weeks. So much self-discovery then BOOM... I feel like it all went down the tubes.

I did not want to call my Mother.... but I did.
I did not want to invite her to come with me... but I did.
I did not want to have lunch with her... but I did.
I did not want to take care of their financial business.... but I did.
I did not want to call the health insurance co.... but I did.
I am irked at my brother and sister who basically do nothing... abandoned again.
I found a big error I had made on a financial document.... yes I did.

I tried to figure out why my pain was steadily increasing while talking to my Mother. I worked on my diaphragmatic breathing. I tried to be alert, focused and relaxed while my mind turned to a big blob. I couldn't figure out anything.

I came home, tried to meditate but could not get into the rhythm. I walked 3 miles. Still felt awful. Everything hurts: shins, thighs, butt, abdomen plus lots of tingling everywhere and depressed.

My little Spider journaling exercise shows I am ANGRY...surprise, surprise. I am angry at my Mom for kicking me out of the nest when I was 4 years old. I am angry I have to take care of all this crap for them and there is no end in sight. I want to kick them out of the nest.

Everything is so confusing in my head when visiting them. No telling how long it will take me to reduce my pain before I have to go see them again!!! What do I do with all this stuff?

Whew... Got that all out

 

[Lori]

I would be journaling and trying to process some of this anger. One or two core issues could be being triggered by the other events you list. Explore the feelings. How did the 4 year old feel?

Not sure if I understand why you did the things you really did not want to do? because you felt you should? I have learned not to "should" on myself! If I really don't want to do something, many times I don't do it--regardless of who may be disappointed! Cheryl Richardson has a chapter in her book called "Let me disappoint you" that is about taking care of yourself!

 

[Stella]

I am going to read that book by Cheryl Richardson, the chapter on "let me disappoint you". It is at the library. I did read a lot of information on the internet about this chapter.

My actions towards my parents are partly driven by guilt. Plus some things they just can not do themselves because it is too confusing. Being 86 & 87 years old they get confused so easily. Of course, I have to maintain my designation as the "favorite child" bestowed on me many many years ago. I know my Mother wants to see me more, so I have that pressure to please her. All my life I look to them for approval and I never quite measure up. I think too I am now so conscious of the dept of rage that it just percolates under the surface. I just felt like it was a slow burn. Plus I am trying to be aware and communicate differently. It was all smooshed up.

Very Good news - the next morning I was back to being almost pain free. The spider journaling worked. I was able to become aware of how angry I was. All I new was I just hurt like crap. It made me so mad that I couldn't control it, control it, control it......

 

[Jilly]

I'm glad you feel better in working through the processes Good Job !

 

[Ami]

Thank you for sharing this part of your journey. I too feel enormous pressure and inner rage at having to be there and be responsible for our mother who has been in an extended care home for 26 years. The conscious part of my understands that with the huge stroke that left her essentially a tri-plegic, she needs a huge amount of support and help...which the staff mostly provide. But there are the non-stop daily needs and emotional support and issues that arise. Her life has been so very curtailed and trying and I want to do what I can to help her.....and then there is the inner rage that wishes she had died a long time ago, and not been this unrelenting demanding burden, who is totally self-centred and would suck every single ounce of time and energy if I didn't have boundaries. Not because she is a bad person, but because she is so helpless and powerless. Which are exactly the emotions I feel about her circumstances - I am helpless to change them, and have to constantly guard against having her guilt me into doing more than is healthy for my life. This includes not taking her calls, tough love "no's" to requests that are unreasonable, disappointing her even when I know the quality of her life is so poor, and staying true to myself.

Quote:"My actions towards my parents are partly driven by guilt. Plus some things they just can not do themselves because it is too confusing. Being 86 & 87 years old they get confused so easily. Of course, I have to maintain my designation as the "favorite child" bestowed on me many many years ago. I know my Mother wants to see me more, so I have that pressure to please her. All my life I look to them for approval and I never quite measure up. I think too I am now so conscious of the dept of rage that it just percolates under the surface. I just felt like it was a slow burn. Plus I am trying to be aware and communicate differently. It was all smooshed up.

Very Good news - the next morning I was back to being almost pain free. The spider journaling worked. I was able to become aware of how angry I was. All I new was I just hurt like crap. It made me so mad that I couldn't control it, control it, control it......[/quote]