Confused

Feeling frustrated. Am I supposed to be feeling my emotions? If this is the case, then is it healthy to always be angry? Because if I am feeling my emotions, I am feeling angry. Or, am I not supposed to feel angry, but instead redirect my thoughts so that I am not angry? The information on this site can be contradictory. Is the idea to be Zen, or is the idea to let the beast out of its cage?

 

And another Big Question. If I were completely out of pain, my life would still suck. So do I have to completely change my life to get out of pain, which is not realistic, or is it possible to get out of pain even though big portions of my life are unsatisfactory with or without pain?

 

All of the journaling about my past has brought up more anger, and I find myself being angry at my parents, siblings, and spouse. Is this supposed to get me to a better place??

 

Good questions. I'd like to know as well.

 

I'll just say what I do:

So it's always good to be in touch with what you feel. If I'm pissed off, I feel my heart pounding, muscles tensing, breath rate increasing etc. If I'm pissed at someone I'll let them know in a calm manner, I won't punch them in the face even if I want to - that's not a good thing to do. Some point later though I'll be at home and think about it and feel that anger and unleash it (when alone) physically and vocally on a mattress that's up against a wall.

Once I am done with that I feel a bit of relief. Then I try to get back to living in the present. Mindfulness exercises can help with that. Many TMSers live in the future and past which for me seems like where most of my anxiety and anger stem from.

So congratulate yourself on recognizing and journaling past emotions! Really, it's much harder than it seems. Feel those emotions when in that moment of writing, but personally I wouldn't carry those emotions with me all day long all life long. The present is called present because it's a gift.

As for current and reoccurring issues with loved ones, have you ever considered talking with them about it in a kind and loving manner?

Daniel

 

So very true!

 

Daniel, thank you for taking the time to respond. The journaling has unearthed a lot of anger, and it's not easy to flip the switch back to the present moment. But I think you are telling me that both are necessary. The repressed anger has to come out, but otherwise live in the present and enjoy life to the extent possible. There is a saying I've heard that I think is part of Buddhist teaching: Those who live in the past are depressed; those who live in the future are anxious; and those who live in the present are at peace.

The issues with loved ones are not so much current and recurring, although there is some of that. I was referring to journaling about past events, which has brought out anger directed at loved ones. I struggle with whether it is constructive to directly confront issues that are not at the surface, even if it is in a kind and loving manner. Familial relationships can be a minefield, as we all know.

 

I am 5 years out of the program. I try to journal everyday when my phones alarm reminds me. For me feeling angry is a normal part of everyday life. People, friends, family annoy me daily for various reasons. My Mother won't take a stand on an issue. My bridge partner reprimanded me for a screw up. My pickleball partner won't respect our partnership. My husband won't help cleaning the house. All these situations cause physical symptoms. I have to journal them out plus continue to work the program.

I try to get daily physical exercise, meditate, journal, mindfulness, affirmations,

I also find I always angry at myself for these extreme personality traits that get me in trouble. I journal it out. You can too.

 

I know some people on here (myself included sometimes) find that after writing whatever it was that angered you to write something positive. Something that they have done for you sometime in your past or continue to do. Essentially: end it on a positive note by remembering the good. I know that can be more of a challenge with some people in our past or current lives, but I think you may be able to shed some positive light about your siblings or parents after you have finished writing about what had angered you for so long. Just my opinion, it's not professional advice.

 

Stella, thank you. I will have to google pickleball because I don't know what that is! When you say you are continuing to work the program, what does that mean?

 

Hi jcacciat,

I think you've had a good response so far, but I will add some more words.

You're doing well, I think. The journaling can bring up all kinds of emotions. The ideal way is to "feel emotions, but not act them out." For example you feel angry while journaling, and you don't go punch someone, or verbally abuse them, or passively agressively act out on this person. This is the ideal.

If you are angry, then this is to be felt. Connect this anger with how your inner child might feel in this situation that make you angry. Eventually, you may want to have your say about things directly:

This is not acting out either, if said with respect, and firmness, your experience of the other person. You have a right to say what's on your mind, even though it is hard for we "goodists."

For me, I don't want my anger to show. I don't know if that is part of what is disturbing about the anger piece for you, or not. Most of use have conflicts about our anger. It was wrong, or not accepted. These conflicts make it more sticky and painful. The more we can feel things fully, the sooner they subside. This takes practice.

Andy B

 

Andy, thank you. This is extremely helpful to me. I do find it difficult to say what is on my mind to those who are near and dear to me, and sometimes I feel like a coward. I am an attorney, and in my professional life I have no problem asserting myself. But with my spouse, parents, siblings, and even my own children, I fear anything that could turn into a confrontation. And I, too, would prefer that my anger not show. I suspect this is because I don't want anyone to think they have the power to make me angry, but I am also embarrassed by it. This is the kind of conflict to which you referred.

 

Yes, this resonates with me too. As I follow my own inquirey, there is a way that my anger might reveal to the world that I am immature. So there is an imprint about being "wrong" which can be traced back to being rejected for my anger. And then more subtlety, one of the reasons it is wrong is that it exposes my neediness perhaps, or immaturity. I should be above all that, and strong like my father who did not show anger. This is helpful for me to see today.

 

In the last year or so I have started speaking up when I see an injustice. In the beginning there were times I felt it was not worth it because of all the physical stresses I would put on myself from the fear of rejection and the fear of conflict. I would have to do everything I have learned on the Wiki: journaling, meditating, physical exercise to work my way through the anxiety and physical symptoms. I speak up regularly now. I "feel" the physical symptoms coming on (at the time I speak up) but know I have the tools to manage them. It has gotten easier.

My brother wants to buy my Mother's car because she is going to stop driving. My brother hinted to my Mother he would like her to give him the car. I told my Mother "you want to give him the car" she said "yes." I discussed with her the importance of being "fair" among her 3 children. If she gave him a $4800 car, she needs to write a check to my sister for $4800 and to me for $4800. My Mother did not like this. She didn't say much. I told her in 6 years my brother has not taken my Dad to any Doctor appointments (He had 100s of appointments). My sister and I are good money managers, my brother is not. Having my Mother unhappy with me just about sends me over the age. But I did it. I stood up for myself. I had to journal for days and still am about this and journal about anger towards my brother taking advantage of my Mother. Families are complicated.

But I survived and know I did the right thing. And I know more is to come.

 

How nice, Stella to speak your peace and stand in the fire of your inner life. I don't think it is easy for any of us.