Conditioning on Acid

Hi all,

I just passed my 8-month mark at my job and for the most part, love it. Is there stress? Of course, that comes with the territory. I typically do well, even though I still have some pain. I’ve also been going deeper into therapy and learning a lot about my childhood and interestingly, found out I was forced into foster care - as in I didn’t get to say goodbye to my parents before they whisked me away. It was quite traumatic, I’m sure, but I was only 3 and don’t remember a thing. So, I feel like many of my issues stem from abandonment and fear of that, whether through death, divorce, job loss, or relationship woes.

After we talked about this and processed it, I thought it would finally break the cycle, but no dice. I feel I have processed all these traumas and want to move on and stop trying to find things to process. After nearly 5 years of therapy, I want to be done and move the hell on.

Now, on to the conditioning: last Saturday, I spent the day lugging heavy rocks and wood into a wheelbarrow and then taking them to the landfill and chucking them out of a trailer. I mean, these were heavy and me and hubby worked our ass off. Amazingly, I didn’t hurt, except of course for next-day soreness, but even then, I carried my grandkids all over, swung on the swings, ran around with the dog, and had mild soreness.
Cue yesterday and I went back to work and was on the computer for less than an hour and BAM! The shoulder and rib pain came back. I was by myself the whole day because everyone else was on vacation for spring break, so it wasn’t all that stressful.

So now this stupid pain is back and it seems my brain in so conditioned to just expect pain when I get on the computer, no matter what I tell it. This is how powerful your brain is!

Anyway, I feel like the only way my brain will finally let go of TMS is to see a TMS doctor. I’ve never been to one, since I don’t have one in my state, but know I have it. Still, it seems a very tiny part of me is still doubting the diagnosis and therefore TMS keeps sticking around. If you know me, you know I’ve done everything to heal and nothing to heal, but my brain is one stubborn bitch.

How the hell do I FINALLY beat this?!?!

 

Expect the pain to be there when you go to work. Even though you have worked through a lot of your traumas, bargaining with the pain because of this will only keep it around and even step it up. Know that when the pain comes, and it most likely will, you have the tools to deal with it. Allow all pains or symptoms to be there and relax because you know that they are harmless. This is the indifference that will send them on their way in time.

 

Thank you birdsetfree. I have felt the indifference of the pain, and I really don’t fear it anymore. I just feel like it’s sticking around for some reason, but I can’t figure it out. It went away for a number of months, and I had just as much stress as I do now. So, it just seems odd that it comes at times when it shouldn’t, and not be there when I feel like it should. It’s just a strange beast that it seems like I just keep fighting. I really just want it to be done, and sometimes it just gets very frustrating.

 

I understand your frustration and yes it is definitely a strange beast but it is being maintained by danger signals going off in your brain in response to these frustrations. So that is not so strange. It really is all the same thing, symptoms being generated by your tension and stress etc.

 

Jules,
You are writing my story. I've been successful at getting rid of a myriad of symptoms using TMS techniques, but the ONE that has continued is shoulder (scapula) and rib pain on my left side. Like you, I can be extremely active - but every afternoon (almost like clockwork) I get terrible muscle spasms and pain when I'm at work using the computer. Strangely, it also happens when I'm watching television in the evenings with my husband. I love our television time, so it makes no sense that it would crop up when I'm completely happy and relaxed. In desperation, I took a Tylenol last night -even though I rarely take medication anymore. I've tried somatic tracking, meditation, ignoring the pain, embracing it, and getting angry. I've even thought about getting an MRI so my brain can finally accept there is nothing structurally wrong. This pain has kept me from writing my success story....

Thank you for this post. I don't feel as alone in this struggle.

 

I am similar to this - a lot of my symptoms have gone bar the main one of tingling and burning in my face which is constant and like you it also flares when im at my desk or watching TV. I think this I because when my mind is less distracted because im sitting down in one place rather than going from thing to thing or chatting with someone. It makes watching TV hard because im uncomfortable!

 

I think you are correct, distraction plays a part. If I'm totally engrossed in something, I don't think about the pain - so I don't notice it. Now, if I could just learn how to be mindful and distracted at the same time, so my sneaky little brain doesn't know what I'm doing!!!

 

Yep, that’s exactly it. Like right now I’m just sitting here eating lunch and my back is hurting, which it hasn’t hurt in I don’t know how long now. So yeah keeping me distracted for some reason, UGH!