Day 10 Concerns and Person I hide emotions from

[Rajput21]

Concerns:
Journaling has been helpful but I wonder if my writing so far is too shallow. I don't feel like I'm delving deep enough into certain feelings or incidents. I wonder if I should try to write in as much detail as possible (as if writing the scene of a story) to help bring out thoughts that I don't know I have.

I still have issues with prolonged sitting while doing undesirable activities, namely my legal work. It's definitely in the back of my mind, that my school semester starts back in like three weeks. I'm nervous about starting again and worried about how my body will react. So far I haven't been able to reduce the TMS pain when it starts. It doesn't get worse which I definitely appreciate, but I'm still 'scarred' by the thought of having to study for entire days with the possibility of pain.

Person I hide emotions from:

I am really close with my brother and in a lot of ways we have grown a lot together. But at it's base, it often times turns into a negative relationship where I'm often put down for no reason. I've tried to talk to him about some of these issues but I'm met with a lot of resistance. His idea is that I just need to 'man up' and essentially stop complaining. The problem is, that is exactly what I've done for my entire life. The only solution I've found is to take a step back from this relationship. It can be difficult though because as I said we are pretty close and it's not a relationship that is only negative. It gets very grey. For now I just try to stand up for myself and make it clear that it's a silly and ultimately hurtful way for him to act towards me. He needs to shed his childhood habits in regards to me.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

Hi Rajput - I like your posts and your determined spirit.

You wondered about shallow journaling - which is something that many of us worry about. I don't know if this will help, but one thing I discovered is that in being asked (by the Program) to make my lists, I would sometimes think of an incident or whatever, and have a reaction of "oh no, that's not important, don't write that down" but then I realized that these were the things that I absolutely NEEDED to write down. By going back later and writing about these seemingly unimportant incidents or feelings, there was certainly nothing earth-shattering, but I did discover some really interesting and revealing things about my behavior and my emotions, that were quite liberating. It's good practice at learning to be honest with yourself.

That's a revealing description of your relationship with your brother. You'll probably come across this concept at some point, but forgiveness is a very empowering way to help heal yourself. And you can forgive without laying on a whole bunch of blame. Most (if not all) of the people in our lives who hurt us, do so with no knowledge or awareness, because they are too busy dealing with their own emotional demons. Knowing that, it's easy to forgive and accept.

Keep up the good work, I know you will find success!

Jan

 

[Endless luke]

Rajput,
I had to cut off a connection with a family member and while it has been difficult and caused problems with other family members it has been incredibly healthy. It's a step that takes courage and I applaud you for it.