Day 12 Climbing on boulders and being a goodist

[Endless luke]

I am a goodist and it affects me because it prevents me from expressing my emotions. I don't know to what degree I'm goodist- I hate being misunderstood and not trusted. I try to treat people fairly and to help them. But generally I want it to be equal- I'd like to get something from the people I give to. I do very much want to be respected and thought of as intelligent and creative.

It also prevents me from expressing my needs. I think I notice this the most sexually but that's because the emotional needs are more embarrassing and feel unfixable. I just don't know how to feel reassured by other people and get frustrated when they try to reassure me. For example if someone told me that things would be okay I would think "then how come they've never been okay in the past?" I don't want to give someone a burden that they may not be able to fix.

I know that I have a lot of trouble talking about sex with a partner and it's difficult for me to say that I want something. I have a lot of guilt about it and don't want to use them or be accused of using them. But I wonder if feeling neglected sexually is just a fixation and a way of not dealing with emotional issues. I read somewhere recently that "horniness equals loneliness" and I think there's a lot in it.

I also really, really want to be recognized. I do some photography and recently sent out a link with my photos from the summer to about thirty friends. Only two of them responded and I have to say I really wanted more. I didn't get too disappointed because I wasn't expecting much more and I'm trying to do the work just for me. Yet I think I only avoided disappointment by getting depressed.

So I think my problem is quite perfectionism or goodism but a desire for respect or dignity. I want to work hard and be recognized for it- and one of the problems is that no matter how hard you work at TMS you don't get much respect for it.

[If someone could point me to some other day 12 posts that might be helpful. Goodist isn't one of the ones I had picked but I wasn't sure that the ones I had would work for this example. For example I'd written down anxiety and being creative. ]

What is one of your best memories from your childhood?

When I lived in Connecticut I had a friend that had these huge boulders in his lawn and I really liked balancing on them and going from boulder to boulder. I liked the challenge and dealing with the fear. I'm not sure what else to say about this...

 

[NolaGal]

Hi Luke,

One of the first issues I started with a few days ago was the way I was conditioned, as a child and teenager, to think about my body. I've always pretty much known that it was something that affected me, especially in sexual situations. I don't consider myself to have been overly traumatized, and I was certainly never sexually abused, but my mother's "hush hush" attitude about her own body and the fact that she flipped out when I touched myself (at, like, age 3 or 4) have really impacted all of my relationships. She just couldn't see me as an emerging sexual being. Even though I did a lot of performing onstage (dance) she wouldn't let me use tampons (only pads), which would've been much better considering the tightness of the costumes. I had a few embarrassing moments due to that. I was 18 when I lost my virginity, and when she found out she hit the roof. I could go on and on, but just from the work I've done in the last few days - journaling and talking to my husband about some of my past issues - I've felt a change for the better in the way I think about my own body and my own sexuality.

Just thought I'd share that in case you wanted to try thinking along similar lines and see if you came up with any buried issues. One of the things I've done is imagine my current self going back in time and telling my younger self that everything I was doing and feeling was completely okay. Strangely, that has been quite beneficial and I intend to try it on some other issues.

Also, I totally understand the need to be recognized. I don't think there's anyone alive who doesn't require validation to some degree. I'm also firm believer in everyone's need to make art (be it music, visual art, dance, writing, landscaping, hair cutting, or whatever.) We all need to express our soul in something creative. There are pieces of you in every one of your pictures and it's perfectly natural to want your friends to admire them, partially because that would mean they were complimenting you as a person.

 

[Endless luke]

I'm sure that when she flipped out it was scary. That would make me reluctant to share my sexuality later on. It's good to hear that journaling helps- I'm doing it a bit blindly and just hoping I see some results.

I have a new therapist who is very good and he does something similar to what you're talking about. He has me close my eyes and imagine a scene from the past and then he says things that I would have liked to have said.