Cleaning up your friend list

I've done it on FB and I encourage anyone to do the same. You know…those friends of friends that are a negative angry presence on your Facebook wall? My FB is a lot smaller - and happier - now.

This applies to real life too. I've had a very dear friend for the past 30 years. But her treatment of me this past year made me take a good hard look at the relationship. And I didn't like what I was seeing.

But the cognitive dissonance that was stirring in my heart was always silenced by my excuses for her judgmental comments. "Her heart's in the right place. Well, she means well. She'll think about that later…" Blah, blah, blah.

These past several months I've been stepping back from the relationship. I've politely declined coffee/lunch dates. More than once, I was relieved to have been working and was unable to meet. (She recently retired so her schedule opened up a lot more.)

We got together with them the other night. Really, a polite move on our part. But we felt the timing was okay and really don't want to throw 30 years of relationship into the wind.

The evening was so enlightening to me. The signs have been there all along. Our priorities are so different. The judgment toward me and my family. The posturing and ego! I left wondering why the hell they even want to come out and play with us. (Hubby feels the same way, BTW.)

I know TMS healing requires evaluating relationships…especially if you've got a tough case like I do. (Years of "fibromyalgia")

Mustering the courage to honestly address relationships is one of the hardest things I've ever done and I know in time, I'll be grateful. Right now it's just plain painful.

How about you? Have you had to sever some relationships?

 

Yes North Star I have been making new relationships for years. I know if there taking and not adding joy to my life then I think are they here so I can help them or lend an ear in some way and if that question is no then I usually move on cause if its ever a relationship that makes you feel lousy when your around a person or persons then isn't that the law of attraction giving you what you really don't want. So in the past I had friendships based a lot on not trying to put anyone into just my crowd sort of say -- like take them at face value for who they are but after a while I learned that my gut feelings about those people always proved true. Friends that have things in common can lend help when in need and always have a way to really see your point of view. When folks only want to give you their point of view and aren't interested in anything you do -- its time to move on.

I am so happy with my choices cause the friends I have now build me up and support who I am. And I do the same for them -- its a win win situation.
Bless You

 

Herbie, I wish you were my neighbor. I'll put you on one side of my house and Walter on the other side. Shoot, I'd have my house surrounded by many of the loving souls here. It would be hard to pick. But I will say this…there is a special kindness and grace about you that is compelling. Bless you, my friend. (And I feel blessed to call you friend.)

 

Hi, North Star. I'd love to be your neighbor. All of us on the Wiki ought to live on the same block,
a cul du sac so we could all be together. We could share tea and sympathy and healing techniques.

I live on a dead-end street across from a golf course in Evanston and loved it. Friendliest neighbors
I've ever had. But most of them moved away after five years and I did after ten. Fond memories remain'
and no repressed emotions.

Even longer ago I decided I had too many "perriferal" friends in my life that were taking up too much of my time.
I weeded some out and kept a smaller list and have been happier ever since. I especially let go of the people
who were downers to my spirit.

 

I have done the same with one friendship only so far (I have no experience with FB but I have heard that the so called friends are the more artificial kind).
To really look at a longstanding friendship and realize that it has become more of an old habit and there are more and more things that irritate you about the person can be also painful and
throwing an old friendship overboard should not be something you do lightly but sometimes it is just necessary. We can all grow in different directions.
In my case I just felt this friend did not seem to appreciate our friendship and her remarks about my family (things that were none of her business) became too much.
Had I not been aware (thanks to all I have learned about TMS) about my people pleasing tendencies towards this person I probably would have done nothing about it.
It feels a bit like spring cleaning.
Another thing is how to end a friendship in a civilised manner. It was easy here as my friend lives in another country and we communicate by e-mail mostly. So I just
stopped writing. Painful as it is it feels right in my gut.

 

You eased out of that friendship nicely. Just letting time pass silently can be a good way to end a friendship that
is no longer satisfying.

 

Walt, we lived in a fabulous neighborhood just south of Nashville. Wonderful memories and I still stay in touch with some of the lovely neighbors. That's how I picture my TMS Wiki neighborhood looking like.

Sybilla, "it has become more of an old habit…" What a great way of putting it. And yes, this friendship goes back many years. I have changed a lot. And I think she has too. Or is it more like "the older we get the more like ourselves we become"? I also loved what you add about how TMS knowledge has also been helpful. Indeed, I think it has opened my eyes to many other things…like this draining relationship. Thanks so much for sharing.

And yeah. Easing out of the friendship is a bit more tricky because we are in the same town. But with our house on the market and a move out of state eventually, it will take its natural course.

 

Thank You North Star. I agree with Walt I say we all live at the end of the rd. and trade healing techniques. We could probably put our minds together and be the first community in the world to get along fine without any police having to patrol the neighborhood.

 

North Star , there is no point keeping up a relationship if yr heart isn't in it or else it can be very unrewarding emotionally and draining.
I have been very lucky Facebook wise. There is not a single person on my list that I do not know. Be coz of Facebook I have hooked up with childhood friends I went to school with in India & we had a reunion of sorts after 40 yrs. it was wonderful.
Others are current friends and relatives and then there are my ex students. I taught in 2 very different schools. One was a school for children of Gurkha soldiers serving in the British army. When the school closed in 1994 before hk was handed back to china I lost touch with the teachers & students who are now scattered around the world. Same with my second school which I left in 2006. Becoz of FB, I am able to meet many students passing thru hk or elsewhere in the world. I attend reunions, go to weddings, see their babies & kids. There are squeals of joy, lots of catching up , talking about the past, listening to their future plans. It's all good. In fact I am in Saigon right now & will be seeing an ex student this evening.

I too have limited ties with people who I think do not add anything to my life. I meet a lot of people socially & have realised that they are only interested in telling you about themselves, their holidays, their jobs, their house, their ........ I have horror stories of how obnoxious some people can be.
I avoid people like that. But then I'm blessed with the friendship of some very good folk too. My husband is my best mate.

My best girl friend is my sister. We see each other regularly, go shopping, catch movies have coffee.

So surround yrself with people who make u happy & don't feel too guilty about moving on when it's the right time.

Mala

 

I don't know if I am specially sensitive but it seems to me that there is a tendency of people you meet (not your closest friends obviously) wanting to talk about themselves first and foremost. Whether it is about a holiday or anything else. With people doing a lot of travelling nowadays nobody wants to hear about your travelling experiences , only their own. I remember when my husband and I were young and had been living in Australia our family was really interested in hearing about our travels. That felt really nice because it was so genuine. It has also something to do with people not having the time to really listen to another person (always thinking ahead of what you are going to say or interrupt and not giving people the time to say what they want to say) and I am sorry to say I am one of these people. While it irritates me when I am not allowed to finish a sentence, I do exactly the same - so I have noticed. I intend to break the habit and that is where the TMS teaching comes in. Practicing being patient and concentrated. I think I will need a lot of practice.

 

I find that very few people, outside of my few closest friends, want to share news. They want me to be a wall
against which they hit their ball. I'm to listen to their complaints but not to even reply.

Too many people are just so self-absorbed. It's so different on the TMSWiki. We listen and share and care.

 

Sybilia, it's not u. It's IS a general trend for people to 'bang on' about themselves. It's a sign of changing times and changing lifestyles. Life is moving at such a fast pace. It's normal now to travel say 6 or 7 times a year to exotic places, stay at fancy hotels. Eating out 3 to 4 times a week is common and everyone wants to tell you about 'this new restaurant' they went to. It's as if people just want u to shut up so that they can speak. This happens especially in large groups where there is a tendency to show off.

I completely get you when u say people used to be so much more interested in what u had to say. I remember when I was in my late teens & early twenties how I could keep people entertained for hours with my stories. I lived in India with my grandfather while my parents were in Hk . I was different, I modelled , travelled, got myself into all kinds of funny, silly, embarrassing, dangerous situations that all my friends wanted to know about. I was living a life they couldn't or wouldn't. That has all changed now.

Which is not to say that we should put up with people interrupting or being inconsiderate. I will actually say,' excuse me but I haven't quite finished, or 'as I was saying' or 'can I finish please'. Something else I do is I don't commit myself to a whole evening. I go in saying that I have to leave early for something else & if I'm enjoying myself I will say my other appt. got cancelled. Give yrself the option. I also find small groups of 6 are much better and I like sitting at round tables where u can see everyone & speak to everyone. I used to get irritated but not now that I have options.

Walt you are a gem of a person. You care about people a lot that is obvious & perhaps that is where they tend to take advantage of you. Maybe you can come up with some strategies to let people know when u have had enuff. The forum is good be coz at least no one can interrupt, we can read & respond at our own pace & we all have a sort of common goal. Unfortunately real life is different.

Mala

 

Funny, I was just thinking about this topics…the narcissism that seems so prevalent. One of the issues with my friend was the constant flaunting of all the stuff you mentioned, Mala. Fancy holidays, investments, kid accomplishments, blah, blah, blah.

The older I get the more that stuff just means nothing to me. I value connection and genuineness. I've always tended to be very transparent and I've learned not everyone has earned the right to my transparency. That doesn't make me less genuine, I've learned. Give me conversation about things that matter with people who care any day over the dog and pony show.

Have you ever seen the British show, "Keeping Up Appearances"? I love that show. It helps me to keep a sense of humor when I see the posturing taking place.

Sybilla, I still struggle with interrupting people at times. Especially if it's a lively discussion over a good book. I find people are gracious when I catch myself. And hopefully, the relationship is real enough that it can weather the human foibles. It does take practice being a good listener but it is worth the effort. In times past I was always figuring out what I was going to say next instead of really being present with a person and listening to them. It's way more enjoyable…and peaceful... to learn to listen.

 

Oh yes North Star, I!m with u on the posturing. There is so much posturing here in HK it's not funny. Go to dinner & the first thing people do is put their smart phones & car keys on the table. That's how conversations start.

I love KUA & dear Hyacinth Bucket or 'bouquet' as she likes to tell everyone. People ought to see it just so that they know how ridiculous they sound & appear when trying to show off.

Are u in the UK?. I love all the shows like Downton, Sherlock, The Hour, Luther . We also recently saw Broadchurch & Top of the lake & so many more.

Sorry if u r not & I'm just rambling.

Take care.
Mala

 

Mala, I've only visited the UK once upon a time. (Would you like to hear about my lavish trip there? Yeah, I would too. hahahaha) I'm an American living in the middle of Montana but wonder if I have some British blood in me given my love of all things British programming. My present addiction is George Gently. American TV is mostly trash, IMHO. I love the clever writing and character development that the Brits give their shows.

Your description of the show off behavior made me chuckle. Oh, yeah…I can picture that. In Montana, things are a bit more laid back but people are people. There's always, as the Texans would say, "Big hat, no cattle" behavior.

I threatened to have my son park his atrocious bomb-of-a-car (Onslo's car in KUA writ large) in front of my friend's house just to see the neighbor's reaction. (To say nothing of the horror and shame of my friend.) heh heh heh

I'm not above my own little wicked behaviors.

 

Some innocent little wicked behaviors give that tingle to life. But you may give your neighbor a lot of stress
if you have your son park his car in front of your neighbor's.

I love British movies and tv series (most of them), especially Downton Abbey.
Keeping Up Appearances is fun.
I'll have to find Broadchurch and Top of the Lake.

I wish satellite tv gave us access to all British television, not just BBC.

 

Walt, my superego keeps a tight hold on my nefarious leanings. What a party pooper. haha

 

PS Walt….the car parking inspiration is for the friend who is like Hyacinth on Keeping Up Appearances. And yes, her neighbors would frown upon it. Especially since it's an uppity up neighborhood.

 

I think I am a bit biased but I do feel that the Brits are very good at producing period drama as well as dark, gritty political thrillers and murder mysteries. The dialogue is less glib, more real & they don't tend to over glamourise everything like they tend to in American TV. And the humour is very distinct, you either like it or u don't.

Having said that I have enjoyed watching some very good American serials like Homeland, Mad Men, Game of thrones, Empire Boardwalk , The Sopranos too.

It's just a question of personal taste.

Mala

 

I watch very little network TV unless it's on Netflix. The ad bombardment is just too much. I've never watched any of the American series you mentioned - I'll have to see if some of those are on Netflix. Sounds like we have similar tastes.

And speaking of dark and gritty…love, love, LOVE MI-5. I adore British humor too. It's so clever.