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Chronic Pain & Fatigue Introduction (+ED & Body Dysmorphia)

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Cece, May 24, 2022.

  1. Cece

    Cece Newcomer

    I wanted to introduce myself since I'm a little excited about this Forum. :)
    (Trigger Warning: Eating Disorder)

    I have had Chronic Pain & Fatigue for about 6 years now. The Onset was back when I was in High School, stressed about meeting the high expectations I have set for myself paired up with an Eating Disorder & Body Dysmorphia. (Which as I have realized now have also been an excuse and unconscious expression of emotions.)
    I worked out a lot and was super fit until I regained all the weight due to binge eating disorder, the stress of having to lose the weight all again and being seen as a failure was unacceptable for me. I noticed some pain in my upper thighs and it was staying, so I told everyone (& myself) that I have worked out too much and have nerve damage. This served as an excuse in 2 ways: 1. When I told people this, they were less likely to judge me for my bigger body because working out seemed impossible with my pain 2. I don't have to work out anymore & can finally relax like all the other people who seem to be skinny without working their asses off.
    I did go to all the doctors that I could possibly find and nothing was found. I remember faintly how I was wishing that they would just tell me that I can't workout anymore.

    Until recently this excuse has still served me in SO many ways. It was easier to set boundaries because I could just say that I am in too much pain & too fatigued. It was a great excuse as to why I didn't want to work at a boring 9-5 job. It was a great excuse for why I am still in a bigger body. And so on. BUT I have reached a point where it has served me well, and it is time to say goodbye. :)

    I have read "The Way Out" back in October last year and I felt such a huge relief and excitement when I read it. I was working on a Farm in Ecuador, hard physical work each day, with almost no pain. But soon after a first period of success the pain & fatigue returned 100 times more painful & tiring which (in my head) forced me to put my further travel plans on hold & come back home. Since then I have rested a lot, fallen back into depression and victim mentality.

    Until recently I picked up the book "The Great Pain Deception" - OMG. I have been addicted to it, reading it in every free minute and I finally want to take responsibility in my healing. I can see how much pain & fatigue have helped me to go through life but how now it only hinders me from fully living my life.

    I am a Yoga Teacher and have started Yoga because I thought that is how I would get rid of the pain. Funnily enough, every time I do Yoga Pain is all I can think about, so I stopped cold turkey. Instead of doing Yoga I have started to pick up running again - which I absolutely love but anxiety about people seeing me and the pain & fatigue getting worse have stopped me from picking it back up. Until now. Have been running the past few days and the pain is already moving along my body when I run, mostly from the usual place of upper thighs to my calves.

    Oh I have also had some chronic pain in my arms but it is much more unpredictable but I am also working with that.

    I want to add, if someone has a similar story to mine with Eating Disorder/ Body Dysmorphia: getting more active might be great but I think it is really important to choose something that is fun to you and that you would do, even if you already had your perfect body. That's my method of choosing exercise - would I still be doing this if I already had the perfect body? (I don't expect everyone to understand this, but maybe it helps someone)

    I'm looking for some support and encouragement here and will be reading through the success stories and starting the Pain Recovery Program!

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