Day 38 Cautious with my emotions

[Endless luke]

Briefly write about how your personality affects your symptoms. How does your personality lead you to repress emotions moment-by-moment?

Since I am cautious about revealing any statement or emotion that might cause me to be rejected I end up burying my emotions. I think at the core I don't trust people- with the exception of my brother.

I've become more authentic in the statements that I make but am still not willing to reveal the emotions behind them. The frustration and sadness caused by the TMS seem too much to lay on anyone or even to deal with by myself. Although I have tried to feel these emotions privately I have not gotten far.

It's not just that TMS is awful- the idea that it's created by my personality and not fate or an accident is hard to deal with. I am my own jailer.

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Have you developed any new relationships since starting this program?

Yes, a couple actually. I started a tiny TMS support group and we meet weekly. It's been helpful so far. I also started dating someone. I'm not sure how well it work out but so far we've been very good to each other and I've been able to be myself with her. Perhaps not 100% of how frustrating this stuff is sometimes but I have talked about it and I've felt able to be vulnerable with her.

 

[G.R.]

Hi, What if you started to journal to get some of your emotions out? I think sometimes I procrastinate doing this because I don't want
to take a look at these emotions. When I do journal, I feel some weight taken off.

I understand how difficult it is to explain all that is going on within because I too don't want to dumb it all on someone. However,
I do have a good friend who I do enjoy sharing with. It is so helpful. She often gives me amazing wisdom. I think it is such gift
to find those friends we can let our hair down with. They may be a handful but they are truly jewels.

I totally understand how frustrating this stuff is. Yesterday, I really started getting discouraged. I did call that friend to share and
because she has gone through pain in her body, she seemed to say all the right words. Sometimes, I find it just me pouring my heart
to God and that surely helps; often more than a person!!!!!

It sounds like your new friend has a kind heart and accepting. It is so wonderful you can be vulnerable with her.

 

[Endless luke]

G.R.,
This is my journal! Actually, doing this has been good for me although I do find it hard to make myself do it. It does help me to journal publicly since there is a little extra accountability. I also have a friend that has TMS and we have a weekly meeting where we talk about TMS- so our situations are similar in that regard.

Thank you for your comments.
Seth

 

[G.R.]

Seth,
I also find that writing on the wiki is my journal, also. I was writing a note on the wiki last night and I thought WOW this is so therapeutic.
I don't journal much but I would like to. Right it is journaling on the wiki for me, also.

I, also, have a friend who had TMS. She actually is my closest friend but I often feel I wish she had more time to talk because she
really understands. That is why I have tried to make some friends on this site. I find everyone so warm and understanding.

You have been very helpful to me by sharing.
I know we are going to come out on the other side.
G.R.