Can't take it anymore

I feel like there is no hope

 

@eskimoeskimo, what are some things that help you smile or zone out for a bit? Hope is always there - we just lose sight of it.

 

Honestly nothing anymore

 

I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. There ARE resources that can help you. Do you have any friends or family who are aware of this? Are there any trusted therapists in your area or virtual network? If you're at your lowest point, have you tried any medications?

 

I have had dozens of therapist, tried dozens of medications, spent 4 months in inpatient. My parents and friends are aware of this but nobody knows what to do anymore. I simply cannot endure it, whatever it is, any longer.

 

Is there anything you look forward to? When was the last time you felt enjoyment? Do your therapists give you hope that you can make permanent changes in your life?

 

At the moment I don't think I have a future, so I'm not looking forward to anything. I cannot live with the pain any longer, and I don't think the pain is going to stop. It has been years since I felt enjoyment. Of course the therapists always give me hope in the beginning, but then the months (or years in some cases) drag on and I do not get better. I have not made any progress in any modality regarding any of my myriad issues ... least of all with the pain. I have been trying to treat the pain exclusively from a TMS perspective for 8+ years now and there has never once been an echo of a hint of progress or even hope to show for it. This is insane. I'm way worse now than when I first heard about TMS all those years ago. Three of those therapists were at the Pain Psychology Center btw, including one whom I saw twice a week for over a year. And nothing. Absolutely nothing. It is too much to endure.

 

Some of the things that kept me going when I was really down was having a best friend who would drive me around the city in their car and just chill, a job that included a team of people who cared about me, music, TV shows (even if it was something as stupid as laughing at South Park), my cat, etc. Does your daily routine make you feel stuck? Are there responsibilities that give you a routine?

 

I have essentially no routine and few responsibilities. I am working on that and making some changes, but it's not going well. The pain and hopelessness are an overwhelming mire.

 

You say you’ve acknowledged glimmers of hope upon starting with new therapists in the past. You are not incapable of feeling joy. I’m wondering if perhaps your environment, routine, and responsibilities are making you feel stuck - bored, restless, uninspired, etc.? If you continue to do the same thing every day and hope for change, it’s not going to feel very liberating or motivating. One thing that may help is slowly adding new and manageable responsibilities to your daily routine over time. This gradual approach should ensure that you aren’t feeling overwhelmed or stretched too thin as you work on your anxiety and depression.

It sounds like you don’t feel a sense of pride in anything you’re involved with today. That can certainly be fixed and you’re far from alone in feeling this way. These aren’t questions you have to answer for me - they’re for you to ponder: Do you live on your own? If not, is that something you want to achieve in the future? What are small steps you can take toward involving yourself in something such as virtual volunteer work for an hour or two? Are you seeking invitations for activities in which you wish to be included?

I’ll be honest: had I been going to therapy every day without any sort of interests and/or responsibilities such as volunteer work, an animal to care for, my job, etc., I would’ve felt minimal improvement in my overall well-being. For me personally, it would’ve magnified my issues and made life seem like everything revolved around those problems. That can be extremely isolating. Anxiety (including OCD) and depression are often significantly increased when we have too much idle time.

I understand not feeling like you want to do anything. It’s an incredibly painful numbness. Something as simple as forcing myself to walk around the block a few times while listening to a nice remix would force me out of that monotonous routine. I didn’t want to do it, but eventually I forgot about not wanting to do it; I just did it and it helped guide my mind in another direction for a little bit. I’d tell my cat we were going to look great and be beautiful for the evening. I even started ordering pre-organized produce boxes from a local bakery on my street and forced myself to cook with new ingredients I’d never tried before. The boxes were pre-organized by a chef and switched up weekly, so I had zero flexibility to select the ingredients and be “safe.”

As you can see, these were generally lower-effort activities that didn’t require too much energy, but made me feel positive and better about myself.

There is NOTHING wrong with being where you are right now - again, you can make tiny, actionable changes over time to get to where you want to be. You’re being consumed by a false notion of there being no hope, but that isn’t true. There is ALWAYS hope! The other good news is that goals don’t have to be fulfilled today. "Rome wasn't built in a day" is cliche but came from somewhere for a very good reason.