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Cant move forward with my healing

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Boston Redsox, Feb 5, 2015.

  1. Boston Redsox

    Boston Redsox Well Known Member

    Going threw a divorce I don't want with my wife tried talking and reasoning with her, but she wants out FINAL….so as we move forward with this amicable separation, I am very angry and hateful along with being very sad. This is causing my anxiety to escalate along with my pain. ( I am on meds for pain and depression).
    I am going along with my life mediating, deep breathing, yoga, gym.

    But I continue to struggle with my feeling about my upcoming divorce….Any suggestions would be helpful TMS Team. lol
  2. Anne Walker

    Anne Walker Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hello. I went through a divorce almost 10 years ago when my children were 2 and 4 years old. It was one of the hardest things I have ever been through. My present husband(we have been married 7 years) also went through a divorce at about the same time, and I know it was also a low point in his life. His wife did everything she could to alienate him from his son. Even several years after his divorce when we first met she would call and make false reports to the police. She would claim things like he had locked his six year old son in a room when he was actually sitting and coloring with him at his desk at work. This might be an extreme case but I just want to say that divorce is extremely difficult and hard to get through. Please be as understanding and kind to yourself as you can and know that no one can be expected to get through a divorce without feeling disappointment, rejection, anger... It is very hard on the self-esteem. It takes time. The good news is that given time and patience, you will get through it, and you might be very pleased and surprised at where you end up. I would never have left my first husband. We were married for sixteen years. I begged him to come back and he would have if I had allowed his new girlfriend to come back with him! (ha ha) But I am so much happier in my new marriage. I have been married to him for seven years now and I adore him. I felt my life and the possibility of loving again was over during my divorce. You simply cannot know these things while you are going through them. You must grieve and let one relationship end before a new one can begin. Do not hang onto what you imagine something could be, face what it is. It is so painful. Transitions are painful. But trust there is the possibility of a good future and outcome once you get through this. It will take some time. Most of the people I know who have gone through a divorce, myself included, find that it takes about 2 years to really feel ready to move on. In the meantime, once you get past the gut wrenching pain, it can be a time or tremendous personal growth. There was a time when I felt like a real teenager again. I just had never imagined that I would be dating again. It is terrifying but also really fun and exciting. It is completely normal to struggle with your feelings when you are going through a divorce. It is a true loss and unfortunately sometimes it cannot be avoided no matter how hard we try. My motto at the time was "fake it till you make it." You are going to make it!
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2015
    lexylucy and Ellen like this.
  3. balto

    balto Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi Boston, the question you've asked is the same as asking how do I not feel pain when I got hit by a truck?. How can I not feel hot when it 100F outside or not cold when it is below 0F?
    I think we will all feel the pain when something like that happened to us. The worst we can do is try to not feel it. The best one can do in situation like this is try to accept as best as one can and move on. And we have to realize that it is normal, very normal to be hurt and sad in event like this. Don't try to fight it, just accept it. Try not letting your mind get stuck in the situation. we have to talk often to our brain. We already did our best tried to save it, now it is time we move on. We have to start planning for the future without the person and make the best we can. Analyze the situation and make it as smooth as we can. We have to realize that million people went through exactly the same thing we do now. It is part of life. Sh1t happened. Move on.

    There are 7+ billion people in this world, got to be someone out there who is more "right" .
    Forest, Boston Redsox and Anne Walker like this.
  4. Boston Redsox

    Boston Redsox Well Known Member


    Thx so much for sharing your experience with me it left me with some hope, I really don't want this but I learned if somebody wants to leave you let them leave. It was a piece of advise that a tms er gave me today. It has been in the works for awhile we survived a infidelity on her end .... I did not want to leave because my kids where very young but looking back I should have walked. But never the less I suffer sevever pain on a daily basis and getting worse I know it's do to what's on its way. Sometimes things just suck.
  5. Boston Redsox

    Boston Redsox Well Known Member

    Thx Balto for your support and insight .
  6. Dahlia

    Dahlia Well known member

    I'm so sorry for your suffering. I went through a very difficult divorce the year my son was born. Boy, that sure was never my plan, to be a single Mom. BUT as painful as it was, it in fact was the beginning of a much better life, for me and for my son as well.

    So I hear you - it's not what you want - but you really don't know what is ahead. Sometimes when things are really really awful for me I tell myself that this is so AWFUL that something really WONDERFUL must be just around the corner.

    I wish that to be true for you.
    Ellen likes this.
  7. Boston Redsox

    Boston Redsox Well Known Member


    Thx so much for you response…wow could not imagine being a single parent of a new born…thats what people tell that there is a beginning of a better life, I want so much to believe it. I know since our relationship went down hill after her cheating on me I stayed because my kids where small but we never got back on track I feel I wasted 10 years of my life. I just should have packed my bags and left. But being the caring father i was I did not want to leave and over that time leaving with anger and hate along with other issues I created my pain.
  8. Dahlia

    Dahlia Well known member

    I understand your feelings but in truth we can never know what good there came from your staying. The regret just makes you feel worse anyway. You don't know the positive impacts of your staying. Believe it, there were positive impacts. We can't really know that any time of our lives is "wasted".
    Ryan likes this.
  9. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi Boston,
    I am sorry for the grief and hate and anger in your life. And I understand why you are experiencing it. You are having, and are dreading a very tough time of life. Sending my love and support. I was touched to read your words. Life really works us over at times, doesn't it? It may help to see yourself as a child going through some suffering, and you are the adult comforting yourself. What comes up for me is compassion for you.
    Andy B.
  10. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    I might also say that I was reading a note I took a while back from Dr. Sarno's writing. It was something like this: The woman's pain started, after a good Sarno cure, and the relapse was caused by her fear of another relapse!! When we say that fear is a symptom of TMS, I guess that's true. If you can, perhaps try to observe your fear about symptoms getting worse. Don't believe everything you think, about the suffering TMS will cause you, or the suffering you will endure on the emotional side in the future. As others have said, life unfolds and we don't really know what is around the corner.

    Try to witness the tension and anxiety and stress, and you already understand this is the cause of your TMS symptoms. And the cure is that understanding. You may be very close to unwinding this...
    Andy B.
  11. Boston Redsox

    Boston Redsox Well Known Member

    Dahlia Andy

    Thx so much for your caring words...I do see my self as a child and I am comforting him. I try to give my self so much self care to get me threw this journey. She does not understand my pain and the journey I need to go threw . I try not to hate but at the moment that's all I can feel so I will be with it.

    God Bless you both
  12. Andy Bayliss

    Andy Bayliss TMS Coach & Beloved Grand Eagle

    You are being a loving warrior to yourself. Most people could never say this or do this. I hope you recognize your strength.
    Boston Redsox likes this.
  13. Boston Redsox

    Boston Redsox Well Known Member

    Thx Andy.
  14. armchairlinguist

    armchairlinguist Peer Supporter

    It sounds like you are not feeling amicable, but think that you have to behave that way. And outwardly that's probably a good idea. But maybe give yourself permission (like others have said, especially Andy) to really feel the way you feel, when you are with yourself, or people who support you. It sounds like an awful situation. Acknowledge that and let it be OK that you are not OK.
  15. Boston Redsox

    Boston Redsox Well Known Member

    Thx armchair for your support and everybody else for the matter….this is a very difficult time period and will be for awhile but I am going to go with whatever comes my way and not fight the tide.
  16. Dahlia

    Dahlia Well known member

    I saw an interview on TV with Pema Chodron, a buddhist teacher who wrote a book titled "When Things Fall Apart". It was very interesting. There are numerous youtube videos that allow you to get a glimpse into her teachings.
    Ellen likes this.
  17. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    I've been a lifelong bachelor (84 now) but have helped friends either to stay in their marriage or accept divorce as the solution.
    One of my best friends, Brian, is divorcing his wife after 25 years of an unsteady marriage. She's playing those dirty tricks on him,
    driving a wedge between him and their son who is a young teenager. The boy is full of anger and attacked Brian (the son is twice
    Brian's size and an athlete), so Brian tried defending himself. The wife called the police and they arrested Brian for child abuse,
    and the wife had the boy sign the complaint. It's in the hands of lawyers and court date is set for Brian. I've known him since
    before he married and know he is one of the nicest, most gentle gentleman.

    Brian has taken an apartment by himself and feels great relief that he is away from his wife. He said he should have divorced her
    years ago.

    He's coming here this Sunday afternoon for some brotherly friendship and we'll watch another Monty Python movie.
    He loves them because they help him to laugh about his troubles.

    Quite a few of my friends and family members are in their second marriage (a nephew is in this third). Time does heal
    emotional wounds. My parents divorced when I was 7 and all told I've had four fathers (my birth father twice),
    but when he died Mom married his brother who was certifiable. All this left me marriage-shy. I stuck with dogs.
  18. Maribel

    Maribel New Member

    "Do not hang onto what you imagine something could be, face what it is." This is so true and difficult!
    Boston Redsox likes this.

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