Can't and can's

I have been realizing in recent days and then especially in therapy yesterday that my life is characterized by can'ts.

I think the most important thing for me in moving toward recovery is probably going to be saying "yes" instead of "no." My whole life is characterized by saying no to myself, and when I say yes to myself I often feel that I am punished for it by pain/exaustion.

I say yes to others, but no to myself.

I think that this is connected to the abuse I experienced in adolescence, after my mother died, when my dad would blame his rage and unhappiness on some little thing I had done that I didn't even know was "wrong."
I have learned that it is better to freeze and do nothing for myself.

I struggle to feed myself (which foods are safe?), to sleep (because then I'm not hypervigilant), to spend money (how dare I buy something for myself?), to work (why aren't you caring for your children?), to recreate (who do you think you are, thinking you can have fun?), etc.

As I mentioned in another thread I went to a yoga class on Wednesday. It was hard but great. I'm still very sore today -- well, actually I'm more sore today than yesterday, which doesn't even make sense! -- and I didn't sleep well last night (partly because kids kept needing me and my husband) and my brain is throwing so many don'ts and can'ts at me.

You can't do yoga! It will hurt for days and you'll be in misery and despair!
You can't sleep even with medication!
You can't work or relax!
You won't be okay without that placebo Flonase for your ear and facial and neck pain!

Also a new, fun symptom from the symptom imperative -- dry eye. Of course, it could be from starting Trazodone as of Sunday. But I never hard dry eye when I took Trazodone 4 years ago...

I keep saying to myself, "Trazodone has no side effects for you. It's all TMS."

I was explaining what anxiety felt like in my body to my therapist yesterday. The biggest sensation is crawling skin on my arms. When I told her this, she said that doesn't sound like a classic anxiety sensation...she said it sounds like a somatic sensation, but that it's a sensation to stop me from doing something. What is the thing my brain thinks I shouldn't do?

I can feel it right now as I use the computer and type this.

And last night, at one point when I felt that sensation I asked myself, What does it want me to do/not do? And I realized that it thought I should be the one to get up with my daughter, that it wasn't okay that I had nudged my husband awake to get up with her. Once I told myself "It is 100%, absolutely, positively okay for you to allow him to take total care of her in this night" it went away and I slept until dawn.

Well. So, this is the path for me -- say "yes" and go forward.

 

You probably felt less sore the day after yoga because you were empowered by it. Power is TMS' archenemy.

 

Yep, dry eye is TMS.
Mine comes and goes. It comes EVERY SINGLE time someone on this forum mentions it It hangs out for two days and disappears again

 

Whoops! Sorry!
It went away this morning and then came back when I remember to "check" for it. UGH.
Today I'm just so tired, I know things are likely to be exacerbated. Gotta let more time pass (and more sleep accumulate).

 

My dad used to always say to me "Theres no such word as can't", apply it to life

 

No harm, at this point I just laugh at it, throw in some eye drops and decide if it's a mascara day or not

 

Oh @dlane2530, so sorry you're feeling this way too -- (just posted that in my "Day 3" last night - So tired of thinking / overthinking, so tired of trying to figure out if I ate the "right" things in alignment, so tired of feeling like I am not offering value to the world, so tired of the "something new" symptoms that keep popping up....and on and on)

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you in that tiredness and looking forward to hearing more about your "YES" path forward!

 

Every time you post something new I see big changes in you. You can’t see it, but you are really and truly moving forward! This is pretty interesting, eh? You let your husband take care of your daughter and you slept. Learning to love yourself. You count too!

 

LOVE this!

 

Thank you so much for saying this, Diana!
Last night was a short, short night...but I wasn't/am not as upset about it. I guess that's progress, too.

 

Fascinating, and I think you're probably right!
I'm still feeling sore in my hamstrings four days later. I think...it's not the yoga keeping it sore.

 

You're so kind @NewBeginning !

 

Yeah, don't discard the natural soreness you'd feel by coming back to exercises. But that's ramped up by TMS in a way it's impossible to know where one ends and the other begins.

It doesn't even need to be physical. Yesterday I had a very good emotional release and felt almost painless the entire day. Today it came back with anger. I almost don't care anymore. Had to fix some things and did it, pain or no pain. (It was with pain hahaha)

 

Way to go, @feduccini ! I’m starting to get to that place too. It feels good, to be honest.

 

It's weird because I have always, always had more pain after exercise than anyone I know. It's so hard for me to discern, then, when I need to rest and when I need to keep going! Because of this, I've had a very bad habit of ignoring pain when I shouldn't. But also of fearing pain when I shouldn't. So it's a whole mess.
My hamstring soreness finally went away today...5 days after yoga. That's definitely excessive.
But on the other hand, yesterday I was in so much pain I just couldn't drag myself on a walk...so I didn't. Probably it is best not to be perfectionist about it but it is SO confusing sometimes! We can't distinguish between "you should rest" pain and "lizard brain wants to keep you frozen" pain.

 

Sometimes we have no choice, right. Going for the exercise when you're in too much pain will only increase the anxiety. The thing is, you're better now, so you can go for it again. Small steps. Your relationship with pain changes in the process. For example, my symptom imperative went to the shoulders today. Never gone there, and it's nasty. I went for my morning walk, thought about sending safety messages, but the nature was so calming with the chilly mist in the morning... I didn't need to deal with the pain.

You've faced a lot, Diana. If you look back you'll probably see how stronger you might be today.

 

Ahhhh, Yup -- If I could get this distinction figured out, things might be a bit more clear going forward! Hoping that clarity comes through the process.

 

I’m going to throw a curve ball in here. @Baseball65 always pushes through pain. Tough love. I used to disagree with him. I thought I needed to baby myself when I’m in the most pain (Alan Gordon style). But now I believe that tough love works best for me. When I push through the pain— I get double the relief. That’s what my data proves at this point.

Here’s a thread started by @Baseball65 on the topic. After this post I started thinking hard about this and changed my course to more tough love. https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/mommy-is-killing-me.29301/ (Mommy is Killing me.)

 

Thanks, @Diana-M !
Appreciated reading through all of this. It's given me so much more to ponder and a different perspective to look at.

I come from a family where all you ever do is push through - in the most intense ways. Physical as well as psychologically. Regardless of how traumatic something was - just get yourself back to work. Distract. AND, don't ever stop.

So for me, the pushing through has always been my go to - ala David Goggins -style. ha ha.
I've lived my entire life pushing so incredibly hard - doing it all alone, not really listening to mind/body through the traumatic stuff.

Not just the challenging life things, but even with the "healthy" habits running miles and miles daily, fasting ever other day. Broke my ankle by falling face first on concrete while running, everyone around was like "call an ambulance!" got up and shook it off, assumed I just had a sprain and kept on going. Never feeling I could take any kind of pain reliever in life because I have to push through.

Then, with the perfect storm, ended up near the end of me, but had to just keep pushing forward because no one is coming to help.

I don't know, I guess with the "push through" approach one could say that all of that has kept me keeping on, didn't it?
But, maybe a lot of what happened with the "perfect storm," wouldn't have happened if I hadn't pushed quite so hard.
If I would have listened a bit more or at least known where the edge is so that I am wasn't walking (running?) toward total destruction like I was, but building up.

This is what I am trying to decipher and maybe a lot of it has to do with what is physical and what is psychological and what is underneath the pushing through (fear or passion to move toward something?).

In any case, thanks for sharing your thoughts. It's given me a lot to think about today and much appreciated.

 

@NewBeginning
I see what you mean. The relentless pushing and driving myself definitely caused my TMS, and the past year I have backed off on so many things. To the point I feel almost at a standstill. I’m so used to life being a brutal almost unsurvivable grind. With work, family, any goal—always totally unfair expectations. That causes TMS for sure.

I guess when I say I’m pushing myself with my TMS—it’s mostly I’m not giving into the fear. The pain I have—at its worst— is more scary than painful. I’m more pushing back on allowing my symptoms and their inconvenience to stop me from living. And yes, ignoring the heightened symptoms when they do hurt and try and stop me. This round of TMS— it seems like only pushing has gotten me any relief. But I know people who pushing has made things worse for them. They only do things in the smallest baby steps. I guess the solution is different for everybody.