Can anger be good?

A

AC45

Well known member
Hi All,

I am about 7 months into this process. I've noticed lately that my anger can flare up more easily. I received an email from a grouchy person and I could really feel the anger flare up inside of me. I never used to feel this much. I would always play it calm and cool. I still behave professionally at work but I feel it inside and acknowledge it.

Could it actually be a good thing that I feel the anger flare up? I would think that maybe I am feeling more now. I am curious to get your feedback on that. Maybe I am "feeling more" vs unconscious suppression? Can anger be your friend sometimes ;)?

-AC45
 
AC45 said:
Hi All,

I am about 7 months into this process. I've noticed lately that my anger can flare up more easily. I received an email from a grouchy person and I could really feel the anger flare up inside of me. I never used to feel this much. I would always play it calm and cool. I still behave professionally at work but I feel it inside and acknowledge it.

Could it actually be a good thing that I feel the anger flare up? I would think that maybe I am feeling more now. I am curious to get your feedback on that. Maybe I am "feeling more" vs unconscious suppression? Can anger be your friend sometimes ;)?

-AC45
Click to expand...

Hey AC45,

Although kicking someone's a$$ would be the easier method, anger definitely isn't our friend:)

I believe feeling emotions are important, but one shouldn't become better at feeding the negative emotional awareness that surrounds an emotion. This very negative awareness can hold us captive and prevent us from a strong sense of well being or balance. The idea is to become better at feeling emotions and disengaging, or changing the awareness that surrounds it, we certainly wouldn't want to experience anger more often and for it to sit within our awareness for long periods of time.

I'd suggest, that once you have felt the short burst of anger, to be mindfully aware, observe without passing judgement and look at ways in which you can disassociate and change your relationship with it.

Wishing you the best on your journey to wellness,

P.S please don't kick me for my post, if you don't agree :)
 
Hi AC45,

I can relate to your experience, as I engaged the Sarno process. I was struck a few times at how much rage came up for me ---and this after many years of already doing "anger work" and self-inquiry. I had the same connection that you did: "Maybe this has to do with my intention and practice to allow more feeling?" I think this is a good insight, and can help you reassure yourself that the anger isn't too dangerous, that it has a foundation in your TMS inquiry process, is natural, and OK.

Here is a book a friend had in her hands the other day. I have not read it, but I like the understanding implicit here that anger serves us, if it reveals what we really want, and how our needs are not being met. Anger is a natural "boundary" re-enforcer, and boundaries are important in not acting out on ourselves --many applications to working with our "goodist" and "perfectionist" tendencies which enrage the Inner Child. Anger helps clarify.

http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/store/surprising-purpose-anger-p-47.html (The Surprising Purpose of Anger by Marshall Rosenberg)

Andy B
 
Thank you so much for your replies! The idea that I was trying to get across was that I would never let myself feel anger. I would just bury it. While my outward behavior hasn't changed much, my internal awareness seems to be shifting. Before it goes into my body, I am trying to recognize it, sit with it and feel it so I don't suppress and bury it. Mike and Andy - I really appreciate the great insight you provided here!
 
AC45 said:
Thank you so much for your replies! The idea that I was trying to get across was that I would never let myself feel anger. I would just bury it. While my outward behavior hasn't changed much, my internal awareness seems to be shifting. Before it goes into my body, I am trying to recognize it, sit with it and feel it so I don't suppress and bury it. Mike and Andy - I really appreciate the great insight you provided here!
Click to expand...

I know some people dislike the idea of journaling, but perhaps carry out a free writing session and explore why you have difficulty expressing anger. Or sit with it and make gentle enquiries, whilst showing your inner child the compassion and love she rightfully deserves.

Wishing you much strength, courage and wisdom on your journey to wellness.
 
Hi Again,

I love this forum as you all are so helpful. I know that I bury my anger because we did not show anger in our family (well my dad did not). I wanted to be more like him vs my mom who wasn't afraid to raise her voice. I don't really like screamers or want to become one. Having said that, I find that anger is closer to the surface than it used to be. I'm not sure if this is good or bad but it seems that I am feeling it instead of brushing unpleasant feelings under the rug. I used to like to only embrace the good stuff. Now I am trying to embrace both the good and the bad so I become more balanced.

-AC45
 
AC45 said:
Hi Again,

I love this forum as you all are so helpful. I know that I bury my anger because we did not show anger in our family (well my dad did not). I wanted to be more like him vs my mom who wasn't afraid to raise her voice. I don't really like screamers or want to become one. Having said that, I find that anger is closer to the surface than it used to be. I'm not sure if this is good or bad but it seems that I am feeling it instead of brushing unpleasant feelings under the rug. I used to like to only embrace the good stuff. Now I am trying to embrace both the good and the bad so I become more balanced.

-AC45
Click to expand...

You're most welcome, I think this community is full of many beautiful and caring souls.

I think this quote from Buddha sums it up nicely:

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned"

It's more important to see stressful and challenging moments for what they are and let go, whilst cultivating inner peace and stability (love, joy and compassion)

Please try not to be hard on yourself, the truth will eventually set you free and lead you to happiness and good health.

With much kindness,
 
AC45 said:
Hi All,

I am about 7 months into this process. I've noticed lately that my anger can flare up more easily. I received an email from a grouchy person and I could really feel the anger flare up inside of me. I never used to feel this much. I would always play it calm and cool. I still behave professionally at work but I feel it inside and acknowledge it.

Could it actually be a good thing that I feel the anger flare up? I would think that maybe I am feeling more now. I am curious to get your feedback on that. Maybe I am "feeling more" vs unconscious suppression? Can anger be your friend sometimes ;)?

-AC45
Click to expand...

I would say yes it's a good thing, that you are becoming aware of it, then you can deal with it in a constructive manner or accept it. BTW, "repression" is the unconscious process that we're not aware of and "suppression" takes place consciously when we "bite are tongues" not angrily responding due to socio-cultural restraints.

Corollary to that there was a book discussed here by a Stanford lady professor, who did a Ted Talk, (her name escapes me but I did by the book), who discusses "good stress".
 
Tennis Tom said:
I would say yes it's a good thing, that you are becoming aware of it, then you can deal with it in a constructive manner or accept it. BTW, "repression" is the unconscious process that we're not aware of and "suppression" takes place consciously when we "bite are tongues" not angrily responding due to socio-cultural restraints.

Corollary to that there was a book discussed here by a Stanford lady professor, who did a Ted Talk, (her name escapes me but I did by the book), who discusses "good stress".
Click to expand...

The book Tom refers to is:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Upside-Str...79419134&sr=8-1&keywords=THE+UPSIDE+OF+STRESS

P.S Tom, I didn't post her video because I know it may be too distracting haha
 
AC45 said:
Hi All,

I am about 7 months into this process. I've noticed lately that my anger can flare up more easily. I received an email from a grouchy person and I could really feel the anger flare up inside of me. I never used to feel this much. I would always play it calm and cool. I still behave professionally at work but I feel it inside and acknowledge it.

Could it actually be a good thing that I feel the anger flare up? I would think that maybe I am feeling more now. I am curious to get your feedback on that. Maybe I am "feeling more" vs unconscious suppression? Can anger be your friend sometimes ;)?

-AC45
Click to expand...

Anger can be a brilliant and beautiful expression. I have come to cherish the white-hot clarity that it gifts us with because it is only a message from our body~mind and is pure in its surge of primal power. Problems arise when we fail to heed its message and it devolves into chronic states of peevishness, irritation, petulance and annoyance. These states lack the integrity of rage or anger and are diluted with a myriad of thoughts and perceptions. To this end it is a good thing that you feel the flare of anger. You need not act on it nor do you need to let it stew. You can feel it (and cuss or move...anger demands action so movement helps honour it, and let it go). The acknowledgement can suffice. I passed through some intense phases of becoming acquainted with my own anger. We've all been on the brunt end of an angry person, many of us have walked on eggshells around that person, sometimes we've even been that person. There is a temptation and perhaps even a transitory period of yielding to anger, a kind of dark pleasure for the goodist as this shadow aspect rises, but there is no ultimate point in being quarrelsome and eventually anger is assimilated and assumes it's rightful place in our emotional life. As you note in a later comment, this is about balance. The more in tune with yourself you become, the more you naturally gravitate towards more peaceful and relaxed states.
 
plum said:
Anger can be a brilliant and beautiful expression. I have come to cherish the white-hot clarity that it gifts us with because it is only a message from our body~mind and is pure in its surge of primal power. Problems arise when we fail to heed its message and it devolves into chronic states of peevishness, irritation, petulance and annoyance. These states lack the integrity of rage or anger and are diluted with a myriad of thoughts and perceptions. To this end it is a good thing that you feel the flare of anger. You need not act on it nor do you need to let it stew. You can feel it (and cuss or move...anger demands action so movement helps honour it, and let it go). The acknowledgement can suffice. I passed through some intense phases of becoming acquainted with my own anger. We've all been on the brunt end of an angry person, many of us have walked on eggshells around that person, sometimes we've even been that person. There is a temptation and perhaps even a transitory period of yielding to anger, a kind of dark pleasure for the goodist as this shadow aspect rises, but there is no ultimate point in being quarrelsome and eventually anger is assimilated and assumes it's rightful place in our emotional life. As you note in a later comment, this is about balance. The more in tune with yourself you become, the more you naturally gravitate towards more peaceful and relaxed states.
Click to expand...

A beautiful posts, Plum, thank you.
 
same here guys.. prior to Sarno i would get angry but never express it fully and do my best to get over it.
After Sarno.. holly molly !!$#$!@ I started to get mad and easily irritated.
However be careful of the angry outbursts.. they are not feeling emotions or expressing them. We are actually repressing emotions by the angry outbursts! Anger is a secondary emotion which is a result of another emotion. @ezer perfectly explained it... We get angry... because?! the "reason" is the repressed emotion... not the anger.
So, for instance you got angry because your girlfriend yelled at you... the emotion which we repressed and should've felt is not the anger but the feeling of being disrespected. That's the emotion which was repressed.
Do more research about it... it's explained well on the internet.
 
CarboNeVo said:
So, for instance you got angry because your girlfriend yelled at you... the emotion which we repressed and should've felt is not the anger but the feeling of being disrespected. That's the emotion which was repressed.
Click to expand...
Thanks, that's some interesting and practical TMS problem solving. Can you please lead us to some links to further understanding how that works.

Thanks,
tt
 
CarboNeVo said:
So, for instance you got angry because your girlfriend yelled at you... the emotion which we repressed and should've felt is not the anger but the feeling of being disrespected. That's the emotion which was repressed
Click to expand...

Often the emotion underneath the anger is hurt, or fear, or hopelessness. Working with anger mindfully, as we have been discussing/encouraging often allows these deeper feelings to emerge. In my experience, as plum suggests, there is a lot of confusion when any feeling begins to emerge, and it takes some mindfulness, and awareness practice over time to become more easily aware of the whole constellation that is arising.

I think with TMS work, the importance is our intention and practice to feel and know more down deep. This intention and work lets the deeper parts know that it is OK to feel what we are feeling, vs needing to create the TMS symptoms.
 
Andy B said:
Hi AC45,

I can relate to your experience, as I engaged the Sarno process. I was struck a few times at how much rage came up for me ---and this after many years of already doing "anger work" and self-inquiry. I had the same connection that you did: "Maybe this has to do with my intention and practice to allow more feeling?" I think this is a good insight, and can help you reassure yourself that the anger isn't too dangerous, that it has a foundation in your TMS inquiry process, is natural, and OK.

Here is a book a friend had in her hands the other day. I have not read it, but I like the understanding implicit here that anger serves us, if it reveals what we really want, and how our needs are not being met. Anger is a natural "boundary" re-enforcer, and boundaries are important in not acting out on ourselves --many applications to working with our "goodist" and "perfectionist" tendencies which enrage the Inner Child. Anger helps clarify.

http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/store/surprising-purpose-anger-p-47.html (The Surprising Purpose of Anger by Marshall Rosenberg)

Andy B
Click to expand...
Thank you for this. It hit home like a ton of bricks. In the best way.
 
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