But what if fixing myself on an emotional level is a lifelong thing?

I don't doubt TMS and I don't doubt that my physical symptoms are rooted (to a large degree at least) in emotional causes. What leaves me puzzled is this: if I don't fix my life on an emotional level, does that mean that I cannot heal my body?

Basically, I have been an emotional mess ever since I can remember. I now realize that most of my successes (considered as such by the society) did not come from me living authentically but from me following someone else's directions and expectations. I am in my early forties and I don't know how to be authentically myself. I don't know who I am. I don't know what my purpose is. How I can live and work in a way that will make me happy. Whether to be single or accompanied, and if accompanied, by whom.

My identity has always been fragile, certainly in my mind, and as times goes on, my notion of who I am is disintegrating more and more. To find my own voice, strength and belief in myself is, I feel, a lifelong project, not something I can achieve in a course of days, weeks, or months, by simply attending to my emotions, which is what the TMS treatment consists of.

I have been looking for myself and for my place on this planet ever since I can remember. I don't expect to suddenly understand where I want to be and in which direction I should be moving because I need to do that to fix my body. I will work on it, I already do, and always have done so, but ... it IS a long process.

Is healing or not healing my physical body dependent on my success to figure out my life?

2 hrs later, a thought during hoovering:

perhaps the aim isn't so much to fix my life (since there will always be issues to address) as it is to ACCEPT it?
... to ACCEPT that life is a learning experience, a walk through a maze, a big puzzle I may never even see the whole picture of?
Perhaps the aim isn't so much to gain control of my life, as much as it is to accept the inherent uncertainty of it and focus on and appreciate its positively overwhelming magic?
Maybe the aim isn't so much to remove the stresses of life as much as it is to LEARN TECHNIQUES how to handle the stresses which are a quintessential part of being alive?
Maybe the aim isn't about becoming a different person, laid back and easy going, but learning to appreciate myself, with the talents and flaws I have?

Is that it?

I have just listened to the webinar with Steve Ozanich and I think it is him who speaks about getting rid of TMS as "living in alignment with one's authentic self". In my experience, "finding one's "authentic self" is synonymous with being alive, it's a process, not an arrived state, so what I am asking is: can I heal my body SOON if I am a being in the making (and will be still, for a long time)?

 

The short answer is: yes, you heal your body by becoming more yourself. The trick is not to punish yourself for the history you had. We all have in one way or the other a history, that feels unauthentic, a false self. However, the healing path is not about constructing a new self, but to learn to accept the impulses and emotion that are coming upon if you don’t censor yourself. You are an elaborate person and seem to be also intellectually gifted. This is an advantage, but causes also a problem. You are able to rationalize your decisions and opinions. If this is is the case, a good psychotherapist can help. And often it is also a question of doing something outside the comfort zone. In this way you learn a lot about yourself.
I wish you a interesting journey!

 

Hmm, what is it about hoovering (or, in the U.S., vacuuming) that does this? I had a vacuuming experience a number of years ago, directly related to what was a rather shallow emotion, that gave me a painful back spasm, but it was quite enlightening!

Anyway, I think that the revelations you had, thanks to your Hoover, are extremely valid.

The key to doing this work is to understand, acknowledge, and accept the negative emotions that are being repressed by your brain. You don't have to fix them - just allow your fearful brain to see and accept them as part of who you are, and as part of life, as you have already conjectured. They can be big existential things, sometimes they are past things, but they can also be small and recent things as well. You simply need to be open and honest enough with yourself to see whatever is in there, no matter how big, small, scary, or embarrasing!

~Jan

 

JanAtheCPA is right, you don't need to fix yourself. Dr Sarno mentioned this both in his book 'Healing Back Pain' and also on video.

He also said this more clearly during the video presentation of his lecture. I'll try to find the time stamp and edit the post.

 

If healing were dependent upon us figuring out our lives, I'm afraid that none of us would heal. Actually, it's quite the oppositive. As you stated, it's more about accepting that you are never going to figure it out. And, that's okay. It takes the pressure off the perfectionist part of ourselves that tells us we should be richer, happier, healthier, smarter, married, single, etc., etc., at this age or stage of life.

None of us live truly authentic lives. Right now, I'm at work. I'm smiling at my coworkers, brainstorming ideas, and working on projects. Do I want to be here today? Absolutely not. I have a good job that I usually enjoy, but frankly, I don't want to be here today. I'd rather be in the mountains sitting by a stream, walking on the beach, or on the sofa with a bag of M & M's watching a movie. In essence, I am being inauthentic, but I have to earn a living. Importantly, I'm not beating myself up over these conflicting feelings. I accept that some days I'm productive and some days I'm lazy.

If you haven't read Plum's posts about self-love and acceptance, I encourage you to do so. Her posts are golden nuggets of wisdom.

 

Thank you so much for this. This is really helpful. ❤️

 

Thank you, Hattie. I shall search out Plum and her posts . Your feedback is really helpful .. you are all wonderful. Thank you.