I have had a relapse lately. The good news is, I have survived to talk about it. Yes, I am quite sure that I think I am going to die a lot of the time. Which is a thing, I don’t usually hear the words, “I thought I was going to die” until after the event, or in my case, panic attack. I had been swimming a lot this year until mid-November. I posted that I was swimming and doing well. Thinking back, that just sunk me in. I am aware it doesn’t need to do a person in, but in my case it may have been a contributing factor. I haven’t had a cold in 3 ½ years. I am usually proud of my healthy immune system. I had told myself and the universe that I didn’t want a cold while I had a sore back. I couldn’t bear the thought of sneezing and throwing the whole back out . . . more. It was one more thing I couldn’t handle. Gratefully the universe co-operated. (I have to say, that the universe sounds like my other self or sub-conscious mind in this story, which is starting to make me wonder if there is a difference.) This year I found TMS healing in March. I improved so much that as the year went on, say by mid-summer, I had a brief conversation with the universe saying, yes, I can handle getting a cold. It is something I need to deal with and I can handle it now that my back is so much better. I also have the tools to work on some of my breathing issues that surface around colds. In November I had a breathing issue at the pool while swimming. I was devastated. I thought I would have to quite swimming. Dealing with a breathing issue in the water, perhaps the deep end is a big deal. The breathing issue sounds like asthma and lasts about a minute. All the life guards came to see if I was okay. I was standing at this time and was safe. The breathing problems often happen when my mouth is dry. I had been swimming this year for 8 months and about 7 of those months I swam above water. When swimming above water my mouth doesn’t get so dry. Anyway, I got over my breathing issue on my own, as usual. I have had them once in a while for years. Coincidentally, the man in the lane next to me was a doctor. He saw all this and in the end said: “you should get a huffer for that”. I did go to the doctor a few days later, tried a huffer didn’t help me at all, it made everything worse for a week or so. I don’t really know how taking one breathe of a huffer can do that, but it did. I would say it triggered all of my anxiety symptoms. Blah! I have had previous tests on my throat, ultrasound, swallows, thyroid. All have come out clear. In Nov. my lungs were tested and were, as the doctor said: pristine. Then I got a cold, right on cue. When I get a cold I have a lot of these breathing problems. (Sorry for indulging in the “me” story so much, but I guess I just need to get it out). Dry mouth and swollen throat. My doctor didn’t really say I had anything and was ok with me dealing with the problems psychologically. I started to see a therapist in December. After many awake nights worrying about something, don’t you ever just wonder what the hell that something is? Finally I googled, “throat spasm” and up it came. All these years of wondering in one video. Laryngospasm, harmless, when you have one breathe through a straw. What, no huffer? Oh, the insanity of it all. Because of my cold I had a spasm shortly thereafter and tried the straw. It really works, now the problem sounds more like hyperventilation, which sounds like a panic attack. Learning to breathe properly through it helps a lot psychologically as well. It is a step to less panic. So I have an appointment with an ear, nose and throat specialist, to see if it is really TMS, by process of elimination. My evidence sheet would say it’s TMS, but we will see. I started back to the pool this week. Having been gone for 6 ½ weeks I am really starting over. My issues are surfacing with vengeance. This thing has really had a stranglehold of me for a long time, literally. I also started getting what most would call RSI. I was getting a sore wrist starting in summer, I would talk myself through it with TMS talk and could swim with no problems. It totally disappeared while not swimming for 6 weeks, then yesterday, after my first day of swimming, while cooking and squishing a few beans with a fork, I got a sore wrist again. Wasn’t sure if I would go to the pool today, but I went. My anxiety surfaced and the sore wrist disappeared completely while at the pool. The sore wrist disappeared while doing my hair at the pool as well (you know, those small wrist movements can really get you, ha, ha!). Then while driving away the sore wrist came back. There is a lot of kicking and screaming going on it appears. So, I am struggling, really struggling with feeling comfortable in my throat area (as it is almost always sore). I guess this is really the first time I have had a cold since I have self-diagnosed myself with TMS. I am really having to talk myself through not getting a panic attack/ breathing problem as well as trying to be functional again, talking myself through living life comfortably and not putting myself through this hell that I have been putting myself through for so long. I know, I asked for it because I am strong enough to deal with it now (stoic personality coming out) but it is hard. Thanks for listening.