Body slowly deteriorating, losing hope.

i hate sounding whiny, or like a broken record. It is just so very hard to take the "just live your life" advice. I can't go outside. When I healed my neck pain (I had it for 10 yrs and it went away in 1 month after reading Sarno) I found encouragement in constantly abating symptoms. Going outside walking, exercising was therapeutic because I actually felt like I was challenging my TMS, and slowly defeating it with consistent breakthroughs. I have no such therapy now, there has not been 1 breakthrough. Every time I step outside my door it is a setback, it just frightens me even more. I emailed SteveO yesterday, he responded that you wont heal unless you want to. Tbh Idk what that even means, I am desperate to heal and get my life back. I'll be honest, sometimes when I look at how disfigured my body has become I involuntarily think of suicide and I feel comforted by the thought. I appreciate everyone's words. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, I am single and live alone. I have tried talking to my dad but I dont think he understands whats going on with me, and I get the impression he doesn't want to have to deal with this. I just feel like a burden, and am not sure what I am living for anymore.

 

I hated hearing “go live your life” when I was so anxious and in so much pain that it was hard to even go to my mailbox. It’s not really helpful until you’ve gotten a baseline of healing and normalcy back.

I too talked to SteveO early on after learning about TMS and left the call feeling like a loser because he told me the same thing. Of course I wanted to heal, we all do! What I think now is that “wanting to heal” means you have gotten to the point where you feel like you can “go live your life” and have something to look forward to.

Being mired in pain is no picnic! I did not really care at one point if I continued to live or not, but I had some pets to take care of so I had to keep going, as wretched as I felt. Many days all I did was make sure they were fed and had their most basic of needs met. That’s what did it for me.

Is there some small thing you care about or gives you pleasure? Pay attention to that.

I made a ton of mistakes and missteps in my journey but in the end my life is very different than it was 7 years ago. I never thought I would make it through but I did.

 

Desperation aggravates symptoms. You are not alone in contemplating suicide, many people here, including those who recovered 100%, were exactly where you are. Calming your nervous system is the only way out. Putting timeline on your recovery and comparing it to the 1 month that took you last time is a BIG MISTAKE. It might take you two years or 2 months, it takes what it takes. Sarno called it outcome independence.

 

I'm sorry that my words, "go live your life" hurt you. I think that's a reflection on how badly parts of your brain are trying to keep you down. The mere thought of living your life is freaking it out. A similar phenomenon happens when those who are drinking too much contemplate the idea of choosing to "Never drink again. Ever." Feel that feel for a moment. The feel of what that little voice is saying when you say, "I'm going to go live my life. I'm going out. I will live my life." Recognize what you are feeling. That is the beast primitive part of the brain. But you don't have to let that part run the show. YOU can decide what you want to do. You can choose to go outside. You can choose to walk. The little beast inside doesn't have to win.

 

“Go live your life” are four of the most terrifying words to the frightened, anxious brain. But they’re four important words of advice.
How can you live your life when your brain throws up obstacles of fear and defeatism and dread? By one little step at a time. One is hard. The next two will be easier. Some day, you won’t even think about having to take the steps: you’ll just walk.

Stand up for yourself. Don’t let the beastie brain have its way all the time. You deserve better.

 

Good words of wisdom from Celayne.
I know it sounds like we are saying the impossible. Please know that we've all been there.
I remember moments when I was getting borderline agoraphobic. I remember thinking about all the people walking around downtown and wondering how they do it. Or sitting on a park bench without getting dizzy. How could people sit on the bench with no cares?

Please, please, please, Rand, know that things cycle around and you won't feel like this always. I know it seems like you'll never get out of the current hole. It seems impossible when you are in it. But you will. You will.

 

Hi @rand,

So happy to read that my old posts have given you hope and reassurance that this is indeed TMS and that recovery is doable for everyone! You have received stellar advice from members on this thread and the only thing I would reiterate is not to buy into these labels. They are simply nominations that denote symptoms...not actual pathologies and certainly not the cause, which is merely the psyche and anxiety. Please don't hesitate to ask further specific questions on the forum, or to me in private. We are all here to help and you are not alone!

 

My son got from Steve Ozanich the advice "all you need is a better understanding".
That enfuriated him (my son, not Steve!).
I know Steve uses to be very straghforward, even "crude". But overcoming TMS often requieres to accept a TRUTH (thanks Nicole Sachs) that for us (for our ego) might be unbearanle, almost devastating.
M

 

Different messages and messengers work for different people.

 

There are more and more unique voices in the TMS world. It’s wonderful there are so many approaches to it.

 

It can get confusing with different voices and slightly different messages but hopefully it also gives the opportunity for everyone to find someone whose way of explaining resonates for them.

 

When I started with TMS, I wanted One Way, someone to tell me How To Do It. The first few things I tried didn’t work all that well for me, but I wasn’t in a great state for healing now that I look back at myself.
Right message, right time is important.

 

That's such a good point about the right timing.

 

Thank you everyone for the encouragement, it means a lot to hear positivity.

I have a question re: living life. I wasn't very happy with my life before the symptoms upended everything. In some ways, I don't want to go back to living that life. I feel very stuck, in that I am afraid to make big life changes (i.e. new career or moving somewhere else), I feel so vulnerable and limited. But I am also so sick of the way everything is going. Have some of you found it necessary to make drastic life changes?

 

Well…I made a drastic life change before I knew that my symptoms were TMS. I was in such a bad place, that I thought moving away from everything and almost everybody in my life to a new area where I knew only one person would solve all my problems (depression/anxiety/pain). Spoiler alert: it solved no problems and now I am living somewhere I am socially isolated and hoping some financial things fall into place so I can go back home.
Other people have no doubt had better experiences and made better choices than I did, but I would strongly recommend that if you are going to make a big change in your life that you do it from a place of positivity, e.g. you know this change is for the better vs changing from place of fear or desperation or other negative emotions, or just hoping that things will improve if you move or change jobs or change relationships.

You can’t outrun yourself. You will still be you whether you make a change or not, so do it with your true best interests at heart and do it from a place of being centered and clear-minded.

This is what I would tell myself 5 years ago if only I’d had a clue…

 

@Celayne sorry to hear you're isolated, thank you for the warning. Part of what keeps me from doing anything drastic is the "grass is greener" problem. Its not all bad, I have an incredible cheap living situation in a cozy and pretty small town. I guess its true if I couldn't be happy here I probably couldnt be happy anywhere.

 

You will be happy (or unhappy) wherever you are.
That’s the big lesson I’ve learned.
I’m actually only about 90 minutes away from most of my friends, so it’s not all bad here. But where I live now does not feel like home.

 

Brilliant, @Booble!

 

I have always felt that this is key.

Look, in order to keep our physical bodies "safe", our primitive brains are really good at treating us like shit - anything to accomplish the goal of not letting us be free to take risks. You have to keep in mind that your primitive brain's ONLY goal is to keep you alive just long enough to breed - which ain't much of a goal in today's world where we really don't need to keep reproducing.

It's an accepted fact in neuroscience that your brain doesn't understand that you are lucky enough to live in a physically very safe world. It still thinks we're in the wilderness, about to be eaten by sabre-tooth tigers, which leads it to believe that your high stress level must come from imminent physical danger.

You absolutely DO deserve better than to have your life limited like this - so then the question becomes, do you believe, or are you willing to believe, that you deserve better? You have to recognize that it's your primitive TMS/fear brain trying to convince you that you don't. It's your higher brain that can choose not to believe it. I totally get that this is easier said than done, but you've got a lot of strong folks here telling you that it can be done, so please, please consider the possibility.

And I will also say, with love, that I don't want to see anything that sounds like a "Yes, but...." in response. YBS* is a very common TMS symptom.

~Jan

*Yes, But... Syndrome

 

Good post, Jan. We all deserve to live in today's world that we were lucky enough to be born into and not the sabre tooth tiger world of our ancestors.

I think the primitive brain is two-fold.

One part is the protective part that you speak of. This is also what Sarno refers to with our brain giving us pain and other symptoms to "protect" us from thinking/feeling/experiencing our emotions. Protect us from physical dangers that don't really exist, and protect us from emotions that won't really hurt us to experience.

Then there is another part of the lower brain which is a complete hedonist. Leftover baby. It wants all its desires fulfilled. It wants to lay in bed all day. Or eat cake for all its meals. Or be drunk all the time. Or smoke ciggies. Or have lots of sex. Unprotected. It doesn't care. If this part of the brain wants something, it will either try to mentally convince you, "Go on, eat that second piece of cake, we'll go take a walk later and walk it off." Or it will give you symptoms. "You can't go to work today, you're in too much pain!"

We have to overcome both the protector and the little piggy in order to live our best life. The life WE choose to live.