Day 1 Body fell apart after treatment

[MrSurvivor]

Hi all,

My story. 18 months ago I went through cancer treatment at the age of 44. Horrible surprise. I thought I handled the treatment well and I've gotten great reports, but shortly into my recovery, my body just started falling apart. First I got back pain, apparently from sleeping in a weird position, then mouth pain, then pain in the balls of my feet, occasional hand pain, reflux, digestive issues, anxiety, panic attacks, fatigue, ear ringing. I have been around to the whole string of doctors for each of these different symptoms, of course, assuming that they are individual issues or fallout from my treatment. No one has found anything concrete, just lots of guesses and "It is probably just going to take time." I got totally overwhelmed as everything seemed out of control. A couple weeks ago I went to an immunologist who took more blood than I thought I had. I am still waiting for the results from that, but he asked a good question, "What were you like before this?"

The Divided Mind was recommended to me and I started reading it the next day. I realized pretty quickly, that even before my cancer, I fit the TMS profile clearly. Driven, super-responsible, people-pleasing personality, no good with anger or conflict. I also started thinking back to all of the weird health issues I've had that have just sort of come and gone - IC, pinched nerve in neck, teeth grinding, muscle tension injuries or various kinds. So what would you get if you take the TMS prone person and give him the shock of his life with a cancer diagnosis and treatment? Well, you'd probably get a body going haywire like mine. In fact, I wonder if, as some of the TMS experts speculate, my TMS issues could have lowered my immune system and made me susceptible to the disease.

So here I am. One week in from reading the Divided Mind, trying to learn what I need to. Journaling, starting day one of the program, trying to dig out from under what has happened over the last two years to give my poor brain a voice. Trying to learn how to be kind to myself and to have the faith to get active again. I've taken some baby steps in the right direction. I get excited about it and try to be normal, but sometimes I step beyond where my faith can handle and panic and bring on symptoms. Anybody else feel like your brain gets so tired from trying to relearn?

Anyway, that's my day one. Happy for any encouragement, thoughts, or ideas for kindness for my brain that has been through a lot.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

@MrSurvivor, welcome to the forum, and thank you for posting your excellent story. It's just the right length, and you already understand that the details of your symptoms don't matter - that's an amazing start, and it will serve you well as you do the SEP and, I hope, find recovery and healing.

Here's my best piece of advice for doing this work: don't let your brain trick you into ignoring or skipping any parts of the SEP, especially the writing exercises. When I was doing them, I found my brain trying to tell me that I didn't have to write certain things down - they were "not important" or "too embarrassing". Forcing myself to write those things down really helped me free myself from some important emotional burdens - and they weren't even earth-shattering, either! I also found that allowing myself to become uncomfortably vulnerable - even just to myself, was essential to the process.

You might consider copying your post here and making it your Profile Story. Feel free to read mine - it includes bookmarks for many of my favorite forum threads, along with book, audio, podcast, and website recommendations.

Keep posting and keep us posted!

 

[MrSurvivor]

Thanks so much for the encouragement and advice. I’m ready to do the work. Sometimes the challenge is not pushing too hard. Clearly being kind to myself is not a strength of mine. So far the biggest challenge is acting on my “faith” in what I’m doing. I realize I need to normalize my behavior so. I try to do normal thing. I guess my mind is so conditioned that I could hurt myself that I give myself symptoms because my brain second guesses. I guess that just takes time to fully convince your brain.